Missing those that mean so much

I am missing those people that mean a lot to me right now. I don't know the exact reason why. There are more details than at this point... typing on my phone... that I care to admit to. The bottom line is... I just like being with those that I like and love. I just can't do it as mush as I wish to and I miss them dearly. Even this that I have seen just a short few days ago.

Good people are hard to find in any capacity!!!

Andrew

And I did write this while sitting at the bar! 

Relationship Informatics

I read a blog today. It was the first personal blog of someone I know. It was a really good blog about relationships 'these days'. I read it and ended up thinking about the way our world is today and how it effects dating in this generation of information. When I meet people within a few hours I could know more about that person then I could learn in several conversations with them. Now this information is different then what is shared in real human interaction and is no substitute for 'getting to know someone', but it does have advantages and disadvantages to the relationship and the act of building that relationship.

I have said it before and I will say it many more times before I die, I am a geek. I know I am and I embrace it. I use technology to constantly stay in touch with the entire world, which includes those I have relationships with. Friends, girlfriends, family, acquaintances, and even my enemies are part of this. This idea that I have access to everything a person shares on the internet leaves me knowing more raw data then others but still leaves me in the dark about the person. I may know where you grew up, where you have lived since, where you work and for how long, who your friends are, where you like to hang out, I may even know your thoughts and feelings from blogs like this one, but in the end I don't know you. This is something I know increases the struggle in todays world of dating and friendship. At the same time, knowing things about someone could help people that aren't as good in social situations. It gives them background to start conversations that they would have never thought of on there own. It also allows people to meet first in this virtual world allowing them to 'break the ice' in a more comfortable environment for them and then move in to real world situations after they are comfortable with that person. Everything effects us in this world of relationships. Information technology is just one more complexity in the relationship game.

This world we live in today is nothing like what our parents lived with and in my case even what my older brothers and sisters lived in. I live a very different type of lifestyle then anyone in my family. My life is integrated with the technology around me. My life doesn't exist without technology and many of my relationships and friendships wouldn't be the same without it. There are limits that we each must place on the technology we use. There are technologies out there that allow us to track those people we know. I broadcast my GPS location everyday all day but others limit this information to only the city they are in. We each have a choice in how we use technology and how we apply it to our lives.

With technology changing at the rate it is now my lifestyle will change drastically in the next few years. New items will be invented and more information will be available to us though faster more direct means. Relationships and friendships will change with them. None of us will know exactly what dating will be like in the days to come. It will take each of us to work though this on our own. Who knows we may need IT guys for relationships in the future!!!

Andrew

Smiles

This morning a friend IM'd me that I hadn't talked with in a long time. The chat was short as they didn't have a lot of time and I was at work dealing with one the endless calls that we got today. It hadn't been the best day so far, I wasn't feeling well and we were fairly busy in the office. I actually started smiling after our conversation and continued for the rest of the day. The person I was talking with has had a big impact on my life even though they aren't around to talk with as much. People like that create smiles in this world even on the darkest of days. I forget sometime just how many friends have had that kind of effect on me. I hope that someday I can repay all that these friends have given me.

The world right now is in a dark time. Doomsday vibes are everywhere you look and in almost every conversation. We all know someone that has lost a job, received pay cuts, or is losing their home. With times so bad, having a good reason to smile is one of the greatest gifts. As someone that has been through some very tough times, I make it a top priority of mine to remain positive. It is surprising that anyone can remain that way when facing the seemingly endless road of financial problems, personal strains, and work stress existing today. But, once you teach yourself to focus on the options you have that can make things better and not the causes of your problems, keeping yourself from being continually down is easy. It took me nearly 6 months to pull myself out of the endless loop of a downward spiral like this. When you finally start looking up from these depths, you realize how much there is to look forward to. We will all make it though these hard times. Just have a little faith in yourself and never count your friends out. They will be there when you need them.

In the end it really is our friends and family that pull us through. It is the truly great friends that are always there for you. The ones that let us cry on their shoulders, the ones that just sit and listen, the ones that never shut up, and the ones that always make you smile. Keep them all close to you in these times of peril, they may need you more then they know. Just as I discovered today. My smile gave me a boost that carried me through the day. It allowed me to think more clearly and complete my work faster. I was even made it possible for me take the time to write this blog right when I got home.

I believe it is a great compliment to have someones smile attributed to myself and I know my friend will feel the same. Dark times call for us to stand up and spread all the smiles we can to those that need it. Even if they don't know they do. So give someone a smile, it could change their day and yours.


Andrew

TJ

Almost everyone knows about my little buddy, TJ. I can't think of what it was like before I had him as my friend. He compliments me very well, parallels how I am and how I feel. He knows when I am down and is there to comfort me. He knows just what to do to make me happy. He is more laid back in life then even me. He is never far from my side when I am at home. He sleeps both on my computer desk when I am working and in my bed. He lets me know when he needs attention and keeps me busy cleaning up the house after him. He is my companion to share lives with. It is one of those symbiotic relationships, without him life wouldn't be as good. In return I make sure he has a wonderful life too.

It is hard to believe that TJ wasn't always with me. At one point he was someone else's cat. I was reminded of this just the other day by the friend I adopted him from. They always make a note to ask about him when we see each other. They really miss TJ. I understand why. I feel sorry they miss him. I often post pictures of him so they see he is doing well. I always let them know that he is a happy cat. He plays like a kitten some days and acts like an old man on other days. Kinda like me... LOL.

Just like everyone on this planet, from time to time I just don't want to deal with anyone or anything. Bad moods happen. TJ is in that anyone list... He can be annoying at times. I have to get away from him some times or keep him away from me. I use treats and food bowl refills to keep him busy for a while. He listens to me and goes away when I tell him.

He also comes to me when I call and makes me smile with his crazy behavior. He is my company when I feel alone. I love my friend, my buddy, my cat. I hope you all have someone like that in your lives. It makes life worth something a little more.


Andrew

Blogging again!!!

Hmm... I just realized that I have not blogged in a long time. a short few months ago I couldn't not blog often. I don't feel the need to blog as often anymore. But I think I should... I think blogging was a good form of therapy for me. It taught me a lot about how to write better and more well organized writing. I think the best part of it was the ability to do all of it in a public way. It was an eye opener that so much of who I am was kept so secretive. I didn't intent to live my life that way, I think it was a learned response to the life I have had to this point. Honestly, I am just glad I am not like that anymore.


Well I want to apologize to all my friends that I haven't spoken with in a long time. I took some time off work and disappeared for a bit. I was successful at making myself scarce as you all know already. Now as you can see work is keeping me busy... I am working lots more hours these days and they are going to send me to an install in Cali next week... well that is still in the works and may change. I am hoping not as I have never been to Cali and would like to see the state... I will not be far from Oakland. Other than that I will be working on paperwork and major issues until then. My project list at work is getting long... and I can't seem to make it shorter. It will happen one day and everything will be back to just supporting the customers or making the software solution better.


Sooooo, in other news, for those that didn't know I have a girlfriend now, Olivia!!!! We have been dating a little over 2 months and everything is going great. We have had lots of fun together and I have no complaints about the relationship at all. As you all can see the last few blogs I posted were about this exact subject and as you can read I had lots of doubts about a lot of what was to come. Some of them will still exist and some will always exist no matter what. I think everyone that has been through a tough relationship has the same hesitations and doubts. I don't know if they will ever go away but I hope I always remember the lessons I learned from them. I am more cautious these days, I have grown emotionally more this year than ever before and I feel like I need to be careful with these newly found emotional abilities. I am not going to keep them completely to myself, that just leads to unhappiness. I will just take a little longer before I truly open myself up to people. I just hope I can choose the right time to do that again.


Well my friends... I hope you all have a great night and a great holiday season.

Andrew

Blogging.... It be a fun hobby!!!!!!

Hola everyone!!!!

I will be spending some time alone this weekend. It is something I haven't done much of the last month or so. I have been working so much these days due to the loss of some co-workers in my department and this week was no exception to that. So the next few weeks are going to be my true weeks to prove what I can do as a computer tech. I have already proven to them enough to get what I have been looking for a long time... I received a promotion this week... A huge one considering my tenor with the company. It is nice to find a group of individuals that are together to make money (aka a company) that can see and appreciate talented workers and reward them for the work they do. I have always felt held back before. I generally think it is because I am young, "companies" (really the individuals that are in the companies) can only see the stereo type of a young man and not a truly experienced and knowledgeable individual. Now, I know this sounds a little cocky... but there is another piece to this puzzle this time around, something I didn't see before.

The other piece is....I am different NOW!!! Before the recent events in my life I have always felt like I was treated like a child, and not given the respect I thought I deserved, that was very cocky and childish. At that time I didn't know better I didn't have the information about life I have gained in this short period of my life. So I was a child at that time and I was treated as I was. I no longer feel like I am being treated like a child. Not because of the promotion but because my daily thoughts about life have changed and because I have found out life is too short to not live it to its fullest. This change in feelings states by reasoning alone that I have grown and am not acting childish, or as childish. If you can't free yourself like a child can you will always find yourself trapped in a life you don't like. This time of releasing your "inter child", for lack of better words, is the way I have been able to handle all the dead end jobs, frustrating bosses, endless work, endless paperwork, and just long days I have put in to prove my dedication to doing the best I can under any condition. It is not a goal of mine to be the best... it is simply put... a direct result of my upbringing and the way I was raised. It is a natural motion for me to add 20 mins to my work day and don't take munch breaks... or throw in a free utility install when I fix a computer for someone. IT IS ME!!!!

I used to have a good friend, he said in plain words "you hate being treated like a child, but you are acting like one" some time back and at that time it I made me very angry. Now, due to the turmoil, that friend was lost to me and I wish I could tell him "I understand what you meant!!!!!" I don't think he will read this... I don't even know if he has the ability/access to do so anymore. If he does.... "I don't what a message. I am moving on with life and even if things could be good again, it wouldn't ever feel right, and you know why."

WOW... here I am writing another private message to someone in a public place!!!! But I don't believe in privacy like I used too. I used to think that my life was mine and no one else's to share with... even those closest to me!! This is also a product of my upbringing!!! Hey not everything can be a good thing from childhood. But, I don't blame my upbringing, you see someone much wiser than me one said.... You can never blame people from the past. They did the best they could with the information they had AT THE TIME".((( Inside thing for those that were speaking to me yesterday.... see what all that talking did to me... made me want to share all my good shit with everyone. LOL ))) Do you think that if those you blame for wrongs done to us in the past would have done the same things to us then if they had the knowledge they have now????!!!! The biggest regrets in my life were not things that affected ME... they are the ones that affected others, the ones I now and even then cared about.

So that was a little tangent...LOL...
(Enter soft chime) "Now we have to stop for this week, BUT!!! Next week boys and girls. We are going to be discussing what privacy means to the young adult male living in a metro area in the US in the early 21st century. This will be a great topic and I hope all you viewers at home will all tune in. From all of us here GOOD NIGHT!!!!" LOL!!!

if you just read that I am really sorry... Something must really be wrong with me this week. I am writing some really stupid shit!!!!


Bye!!

Andrew

Hey everyone!!!

Who are your friends? That is a question I asked myself this week. Now I know what you all are thinking... "Who did what to cause him to make him think they were not his friend". That isn't it at all. I asked that question because I have so many people I call friends that it made me think how broad the definition of friend is.


I seem to bundle all my friends in to one category: "Friend". But I have all types, Acquaintance friends, MINI club friends, "real" friends, "fake" friends, great friends, FaceBook friends, MySpace friends, online friends, old friends, new friends, girl friends, girlfriends, guy friends, best friends, close friends, long distance friends, and family friends. And I am sure there are a thousand other types of friends out there. At want point can you call someone a friend? When you met the first time, the second time. I have friends I have never met.


I thought long and hard about this and I have decided to cut a few people from my friends list. Now everyone, don't get all up in arms just yet. I am making a choice to classify a friend as someone that means something to me. Now that list is still going to be very long... and it isn't like I have a real list of my friends and I am going to go through it and mark them off with a big red marker... LOL. I am just changing what it means to become my friend. What it means to have me call you friend. This last week, a great, best, online, and FaceBook friend of mine didn't respond to a message I had sent. So, I sent another, still no response. I was worried about my friend... a real worry... I was afraid that my friend was gone. I wanted to be sure they were ok. So, very long story short everything is ok... I was just getting prematurely paranoid... LOL.


So what does this mean to all of you reading this...well there are some harsh truths to this... first, I hope that I let you who need to know what you truly mean to me. Second, there are some of you out there that don't have a close place within me. Some of you don't mean much to me. It sounds horrible saying such things. But it is the truth. We all try to pretend the truth isn't something we know and recognize... we all know that it is there. We all know that there are those people that we call "friends" that if they disappear one day, it would mean nothing to us. I think that is very sad truth. I guess we need to make sure those who really mean something to us realize it. Because you may never know how others view your friendship. You could be sitting on a goldmine of great and best type of friends and never know it.


This isn't the most upbeat blog I have written and I know some times you can't always be truthful with people about what they mean to you. Sometime telling someone that they mean something to you causes problems, and telling someone they mean nothing is just cruel. I don't see myself putting this in to direct practice everyday it is just my thoughts and ideas on the subject that have spawned this week with the feeling of loss over my friend. So please don't take anything personally.


To everyone... friends or not... have a good week.


Andrew


A special note to that lost friend: I know you will read this, I know you know what you mean to me but you should be told again. I still miss you, I hope you a quick return, and that all is well in with you.

Good Bye Post

I am going to use this post to say good bye to a coworker and a friend. I didn't know you well nor did I know you long but you are still a friend. I will try and keep in touch though the business of life.

So to my friend. Have a safe journey to your destination. May the journey of life take you to great places and show you great things. Have fun with it.



Andrew

Time to blog again...

Ok... so I have decided to continue what I started about true friends.

I had to stop in the middle of this before because I hit a mental dead end... Writers block you might say, but not really because it wasn't not being about to write it was not being about to get past the last thought I had. "What makes a true friend"?

I have been thinking of this for a while. It all started about a week ago when I put on this friendship bracelet that someone very close to me made a long time ago. I found it buried in some computer junk I was going through to pack what was worth keeping.

When I put it on I thought it would remind me of her and I would act better. That didn't work very well because I still did things that hurt her and that hurt me. After last weekend I know look at this bracelet with new purpose. It isn't to remind me of that friend; it is to remind me to be a friend, a good friend. You see I can't be a friend to this person anymore. I love her to much and it hurts to much to think of that right now. I have had to let that friendship go as well. That adds to the overall pain but it allows me to be a better person right now. The person I need to be for now. I still hope that I have not lost this friendship forever but I know right now that isn't something I can think about.

Like I said I am looking at this bracelet not as a reminder of the person but of the idea of what a friend should be. This is one of the hardest things I have ever tried to put in to words. It isn't easy to describe a true friend. I have many that I don't even know are true friends. I say this because many times they are with you and you don't know because neither of you had been in a situation where a true friend was required. It is almost like a trial by fire, you have to prove that you are a true friend. I know this is a hard concept to put in to writing. I didn't do a good job if it here. I will have to revisit this topic again sometime in the future when I am wiser and can better describe what it takes to be a friend.

We all have friends many of us treat friends like we can get a thousand more where they came from, but you can't. Great friends that are there for you through anything are really in short supply. I find myself with more great friends these days then I knew I had before. I am lucky.

I find myself thinking of another topic now. I have not only been finding friends, I am finding strengths and feelings within me that I didn't know could exist. When I had my breakdown, I opened myself for the first time in my life to the world. I would have never dreamed of writing something like this before. I was not someone who would share thoughts and feelings. I would only share small bits and pieces here and there as I thought I needed to keep the image of myself how I wanted it to be seen. It was a piece of my shell. Today, I have a new shell, me. I am not hiding real self anymore I am expanding who I am by not holding my emotions and thoughts in complete isolation as I have done before. I said complete isolation, if you didn't hold yourself back in some way you would be out of control.

I was out of control for some weeks after my breakdown. Looking back I don't even remember most of it and what I do remember was not something I want to experience again. I remember it as if I was watching myself, I feel like I wasn't really me. Even the images I remember are of me sitting on the floor near the couch and I am looking at myself. Not in a mirror but from outside myself. It is the strangest feeling in the world to remember looking at yourself as if you were anther person. I am glad to be back in myself again. I am not the same person because I have grown and I am going to be a better person.

Well to all of you friends out there, Thank you for being a friend to whomever you are a friend to. You mean more than you know to them as my friend mean everything to me. I am working on being a better friend for all of you.

Andrew

Finding Friends

I didn't want to clutter up a great post like the last one with stuff about a party so I am writing another post.

Good friends are hard to find. There are thousands of them out there yet it is almost impossible to find them. Sometimes you get lucky and run in to a huge group of them all at once. I think that happened to me yesterday. A friend introduced me to a new group of people. There were a lot of good people in that group. We drank and talked and just had fun. I remember having fun like that with friends before but this was different. This was a group that didn't even know who I was and they treated me as I had been there for years or was that just me who felt that way. No way to know. I just had fun I relaxed and let most of my worries go. I focused on that point in time not the past not the future but right there right then. And that was what made it fun. So I have a headache from last night yet. I had a little beer and I am not used to that anymore it has been a while sense I have drank like that. Well I know I am not going to make that an every week thing. But I am going to do it more often because friends can't be left to drink all the beer alone.

Andrew