unedited gibberish

hello, I am actually speaking to you. I'm using a voice to text solution so that I can speak rather than typing to you about the things that I really want to talk about.

I will be editing this a little but please excuse any typos, miss types, or grammar incorrectness that you read.

I do this because. First, I am lazy. second, I am lazier than you. Third, I really at-home lazier then you.

So, this is what I've been thinking. The world isn't quite what it is I expected to be. The world I grew up in in my non-urban setting was not quite what I expected the non-urban world to be when I grew up.I expected to be the same as what it was when I grew up I didn't expect things to change. However things always change.

today the world is very different. Urban and rural lifestyles are exactly the same. To a point... We tend to believe that the digital world has penetrated every extent of human life but it really has not. We that grew up in the rural environment know exactly what I mean. Internet is not available to every person in the United States. You may believe it is what it really is not. We have lived a life of privilege by living with in the regions of the United States that do have what many regions do not. We have lived lives of high-speed and even ultra high-speed access to data that the rest of the world can only dream about or read about. We know information in an instant way, that is all we know. I grew up on a 56 kb per second connection that was really only reached 19.86 KB per second. I know what it is and my life to be slow in gathering data. in today's perspective, that is about .1 G of the new 4G scenarios we hear about.

Aside... 4G from each of the companies is not equal. Every company must be judged based on its own reputation. You can not judge company to company in the wireless world. Every company is a fruit of a different origin. An Apple is not an orange is not a tangerine is not a grape is not a Kiwi is not a mango is not a banana is not up each is not a raspberry…… Etc. etc. etc. you get the idea.aside over…

In today's 4G world we think of everything as fast but not everything in the world fast. Things in a very large portion of the global are very very slow. those who were privileged, and I don't consider myself among you because I didn't get Internet access or a home computer until I was over 15 years (circa 1997) old, were way behind the times of the world beyond our home town in the Midwest... Or so I believed. It turns out the world really is more behind than I thought. the choice of me becoming a technician in the information technology world was not necessarily a bad one. I know more about information technology then the information technology professionals I work for most of the time. And it is because I understand the information technology that I am able to do such a thing better than the average technician in this world. I know I know I know, I have a big head. But it is what happens when you are somewhat decent at the job you do. I don't consider myself the best, I know people who are better than I am. They are just very few and far in between. I would give my life to work for one of them. I did, at one time worked for one of them. I did not at the time realize what it meant. I do now and wish I would have paid more attention back when I was young. I already feel foolish in my mid-young age. I do not need to become old to realize my young foolishness.

Another topic now… The world of beer. I have realized that it isn't as complex as I originally imaged it. When I first got into drinking odd beers, as most people would call it. Or what I would call craft or good beers or being a beer snob. back in those days the world of creating a war brewing beer seems so much of a far-reaching exotic idea. Today I realize that there are thousands of breweries in this United States of ours. That means there are 1000 different ways of brewing beer X the number of breweries X that the number of brewers in the breweries. that means there are millions of different beers world. And I have only experienced a minor fraction of what is really out there. I am still one of the odd people that have experienced. In its most ultimate glory. I don't know how many different types of beers I drank my life to this point, but I am probably on the up words or at least 500 different types styles and creators of beer. I have had at least a dozen or more homebrewed beers, that you will never see or never even hear of. I have drunken bottles of beer that boggle the mind. Beer that is so alcoholic and content that it is banned from some states. Any beer that is banned from a state is on my top priority list. I do make a huge deal of trying different types of beer, and even never drinking the same beer twice in the evening, but in reality, I really do have a few favorites. Most of which you probably have never heard of. Left-handed milk Stout, four peaks brewing company oatmeal Stout, Stone brewing Company arrogant bastard, ale Smith Speedway Stout, great divide yeti Imperial Oak aged Stout, great divide Imperial chocolate Stout, Sierra Nevada imperial helles bock, four peaks kiltlifter IPA (wouldn't you like to see me lift my kilt ;)),

another tangent... Online dating! I've done it, or at least tried it. It is a little-known fact, but not hidden, that I met my first wife online. Not on dating site like we see today. On a good old fashion chat room. In a random connection of minds. I really do wish I would've understood then what I know about the human mind. The human mind is something different than everything else that exists in this world no two of us think or believe the same. We may show that we believe in what others teach us. We may believe that we do believe. But in reality to live as we believe we should takes more then curry time effort or even money. Real life takes everything listed above and add it in and full.

Around me?

It has taken many many years. But, I am finally to the point where I am ready to be not alone anymore. I have actually went on a few dates over the last several months. It is like a whole new world out there. I didn't realize how many little particular minutia level things people are judging you on until you start dealing with it. You don't shave and it could cost you a potential friend... I am glad I don't have that problem... I live in a way that, and I know this could come across badly, I don't care. People get to live the way they wish and I live how I wish. I am not going to shun someone because they don't do everything exactly how I want them to. In my opinion I think we should all leave that to politics and religion, they are more practiced at it. And with that comment...

I will always be me no matter who is around me. I only hope that whoever is around me will push me to be better than I am.

Andrew

The down time

OK... I took some downtime from writing. Well sort-of... this blog has been dead... but I am writing just not stuff for here. Things I have been writing lately haven't met my requirements for posting... yes this is just a personal blog about whatever but that doesn't mean i don't have standards.. LOL Call it 'that sucks' writers block. 

For the next few weeks I am going to attempt to write something for this blog every day. It is a challenge I have put forward to myself to keep myself sane. I have always stated this is place is my blog-therapy. 

 

We will see...

Andrew

Taste is all that matters.

New goal... create the perfect pizza burger!!

Reference: http://hitsusa.com/blog/2080/burger-king-pizza-burger/

yeah that one looks good... now I must make one even better than that. Something so endlessly delicious you can't help but have another piece.

MMMMMMMMM! It is a tasty goal.

Andrew

Just some more incoherent ramblings

FUCK everything... ok not everything!!

I have wanted to and attempted to just simply exist for a while. Honestly... it hasn't worked. Simply existing is just too simple a life for someone like myself. Take an example of my life, I have not gained or done anything of note in the last several months. My blog has suffered because I have no interest in typing... unless I have been drinking some beers and then I make no coherent sense. That has also been happening more often since my decision to just live and not worry about everything. I think it is because I don't have the ability to just not worry. I have to have something on my mind and making it churn at all times. Talk about a self stressed out brain.

My job doesn't help... I don't have to really think in my current job. I have become lazy.. more lazy really. In my day to day life, I have always been lazy.. but never in my job. Now I don't even need to put effort in to get the work done so it is starting to become a trap. I can't leave it without something to move to, yet, I can't move up because I have already rocked the boat a few too many times and people just don't like me. They use me but they don't like me.

I guess I just can't help but tell the truth as I see it. Most people can't handle the real truth or they refuse to look at it from a different perspective then a sugar coated rainbows and flowers way. I see good and I see bad in every situation. But I work in a world of logic... I try to make it interact with the real world in a way that makes sense to those that don't understand it. So I have to see more than just what is in front of me and expect anything and everything. Working in this world has given me experience in how to look at things from everywhere all at once. So truth to me is nothing more than the actual facts. When something happens, good or bad, there is some fact that is the root of it. Promises made that were not kept was caused by people leaving a job side with the job unfinished and before they were scheduled too. That is a hard fact that caused me to have to work extra hard to make up for that promise and get things working.

Ok this turned into a bitch session... stopping now. LOL


Andrew

today

Today, friday the thirteenth, has been an awesome day. Most thing have happened today to be happy about than any other day in many many months.


Just a precursor to when I can finally announce such news.

LOL


ANDREW

Life = what

I have been questioning what life really means to me lately. I don't know why.

I seem to be trying to decide what is my next step in my life. Where do I go from here? I'm going to be experimenting with different ideas of the next several months. Hopefully I will find something that makes sense to me. Maybe where I am where I should be, maybe it isn't.

In the end only time will tell if I make correct choices. This stuff really does scare the crap out of me.



Andrew

Responsibility

So conversation came up the other day. What is about power. He brought up the idea in my head of the well known phrase "with great power comes great responsibility". I started thinking about that idea as it pertained to the context of the conversation. It is actually very very true.

The idea it is that a person that has power for whatever reason is ethically if not morally is obligated to treat that power with proper responsibility. The first thing that came to mind is that to be responsible means to be wise. So wisdom is a requirement to being responsible. It raises some interesting thinking points that I will be exploring in the near future.

Sidebar: I don't like that word 'morally'. It has so many negative connotations in today's world. It is been tied to religion almost completely. To be morally correct means to be religious going to be religious means to be morally correct. I avoid using that to describe it anything. The words proper, corrrect, good, or right sometimes just don't quite get the point across. The definition actually means to be concerned with the principles of right and wrong. Defining what is right and what is wrong is not an easy thing to do for any one individual. I think that is why the idea of being moral has been tied to religion so closely.

Back on topic: The context of this having power idea came from a comment about being a 'good person'. The idea is that a good people have power to destroy another's heart. This is because one's heart is more vulnerable to someone who is likeable. So by being a good person people are more likely to like or love that person. Just leaves the people of the world in a very tight perdicament. We now have to control or  limit ourselves responsibly so we do not abuse a power we didn't even realize we had. Can you break it down it actually makes sense.

So what are we to do? I guess we have to be wiser and more responsible than the average person. We have an obligation to our fellow humans to do that. Our nature as good people could even cause us to forsake the responsibility by avoiding it all together.

In my case, at least on the subject matter and conclusions, I don't feel I can trust myself with my own heart at this point in my life. Making decisions that are good for myself is hard enough at this point. The thought of adding the responsibility of holding on to and protecting someone elses heart is almost unbearable to me.

Some questions of my own have been answered here todau. You must be good for yourself first before you could ever be good for someone else. I'm not there yet.

Andrew

The past truth

Tonight I realized that, not for the first time, I have missed out knowing someone in my family the way I should have gotten to know them. I know that they have more thoughts and ideas that are similar to my own then anyone I have met in my travels. My oldest brother is an enigma like me. We grew up in different decades lived very different lives; yet there is a similar spark that makes us exactly alike. It is a scary level of alikeness that has never really made me comfortable. There is a shell I sense around my bother that I have never seen inside of. That shell keeps me on edge... keeps me on my toes when I talk or am around him. I don't know why this is...

I think of myself every time I sense this shell. I think of why I have my own shell I hide in and I think of everything I hide in that shell. And that scares me more to learn what is there than knowing it exists and ignoring it. I have made peace with my past, so so speak. I have accepted the choices I have made. Not that I am proud or happy about them just that I know what I have done.

I try to think that I don't hide my past. But not being open and upfront about it is a type of hiding. If someone were to ask a question I would not answer untruthfully. I would be as honest as the situation would allow. Location is the key to telling a completely honest answer. Given that we don't always have the ability to choose when and where truths are revealed it is always best to keep them hidden forever. I hope everyday that some things about my past will stay that way. Not that I have ever done truly bad things... just that I don't want to loose control over the information that makes up my life.

My first post about a bad day (revisited)

I love technology. That is no secret! With a simple click of my mouse I sorted my posts and pulled up the oldest thing I ever posted. It has been nearly 4 years since I posted my first ever blog post (HERE: http://wp.me/puJD0-q). At the time I was a total disaster. Little did I know that putting those few words on the all but forgotten website called MySpace would end up changing my life. I thought it might help relieve some of the stresses that haunted me... get my pain out in to the world for people to see and not held in anymore. I started that post with hate and vengeance in my heart and mind. I started to post it to strike back but I remember editing it over and over and over again to weed out the things that weren't the real me. It was crude and almost childish in nature and form, but it started a landslide that had only grown as the days and months and now years have past. That landslide has stripped away everything that was my shell at that time. All the layers and walls I put up to make myself look like what I thought everyone expected and what I thought I was supposed to be. It has been a long long road from that day. God, if he exists, may not even be able to tell you everything that has shaped me since then. I know I can't but my blog holds most of that data.

Today wasn't a bad day. Today, I ended up with something on my mind that I was not expecting when I started. A choice, that may determine my future for a long time to come. The choice put in front of me right now wasn't a huge deal when I first saw it because I had made up my mind. I KNEW what I wanted and I planed my day to make it happen. I didn't plan on a choice, I planed on a dictation, a speech, a conversation with only one end. "The best laid plans of both mice and men..." It went as expected in every other way I could imagine, but, this damned choice has become a lot more difficult to process than I expected. So, naturally, I am on this blog working though the swirling thoughts in my mind and trying to figure out what that heart of mine is thinking as well.

I don't know what to do... on one hand I have the possibility of stability and a second chance to try and make something that I have only dreamed of. But possible isn't firm ground to tread on. The second hand provides more tangible unknowns but offers a return to something familiar and solid where potential is plentiful and possibilities are as numerous as grains of sand. Neither road is all glitter and gold and only two holds something of firmness that I can't see down one. But choosing the second hand puts up a Great Wall that can't ever be removed.

For now I have to push off the choice and roll with some of both. Walk the line between the possibilities of hand one without the wall of hand two. Until the more firm facts are available about the unknowns of hand two it will all have to remain in limbo.


So here is to the better days that came from that first post... cheers.
Andrew

the wow

Things are about to get the wow factor added back in for the first time in a long time. The choices I made that I now know are imminent make me nervous. I started down the path of finding who I was and becoming better in the process. I made some choices through that time that has led me to discovering things I wouldn't have imagined coming up during such a journey. Today I know things about myself I would have never discovered if I hadn't made the choices to leave my home and move across the country. To branch out a little and see the parts of the world I thought I was missing. Yes this has led to be understanding some things that are very different than I expected but at the same time it hasn't been the happiest move. The things that happened after making such a move has made me a little gun shy of trying it again. But you only have one life and that life time isn't something to be wasted. There is an old saying, if it isn't broke don't fix it. Well keeping things the status quo is not always the best thing in the world. Sometimes changing what works leads to making things even better. I tried it and now I am trying to get back to my status quo.

Andrew

stupid puzzles

I hate crossroads in life. The times when the choices presented in front of us are all grey and fuzzy but we still must choose a direction. Is it a time to start down a new path or do we just stop and observe the world for a moment hopping for bit of clarity. Making decisive choices has never been my strongest attribute and when I do I seem to pick paths that make sense with the information, details, and state of mind I have at the time. A few times now I have made really good choices. They have brought me great joy. But when looking at the past it is the bad choices we remember because they seem cause the most lasting effects. It takes longer to bounce back from the bad things that happen. We all get a little gun-shy when big choices come our way.

Over the last several years I have been more decisive. I have been making choices far in advance so that proper planning can take place. So that all the puzzle pieces can fall together and make the bigger picture work. The issue I have found myself in several times.. what happens when fate or situations arise that disrupt the puzzle. The picture you are trying to build is clouded and not as clear as it was before. This is something that I find hard to describe in the words that make sense. I am not talking about things that detour your path... I am talking about things that make you question the bigger picture you are shooting for. In all my life I have never really been able to paint a great picture of my future. I have ideas of what it want it to look like. But I have always been missing details. I figured as I move forward those details would emerge and become clear. I have found however that experience sometimes adds to the confusion and blurs the picture. My emotional growth has always caused the biggest changes in my view. Trying to build the puzzle when people keep tossing miss colored pieces in the pile doesn't make for a good-looking picture. So what to do... decide to stick with the original design or change it to include the new additional pieces. Every time to date I have lived to regret the choice I have made. Sometimes I didn't realize it for many years and sometimes I know instantly it was wrong. Some choices can never be unmade, cost dearly to change, or in my case, I am too stubborn to admit I was wrong until it is too late to change.

In the last year situations have forced me to put some emotional things aside because basic needs had to be fulfilled first. Food on the table and roof over head stuff. With that sidelined, I have been able to paint a very clear simple straightforward picture of the future. It is the first time I have had a clear picture in a while. It feels really good to have the basics out-of-the-way and not worried about anymore, to a point. But now all the other emotional stuff is back in play and everything is getting mucked up again...

So the world is bringing me back to one of those directional questions. Stop and take a moment to decide. Should I start a new picture, change to include the new pieces, stay on the path (second star to the right and straight on till morning). What choices we make change the picture forever.


As always... I might just be over thinking everything. :)


Andrew

Words

What is there to say... words makeup everything we know and believe. Most of what we share in this world is in the form of words. This blog is nothing more than words on a screen. That was read from coded words that only computers can really fully understand. The words you are reading have been created by one mind, added to a computer as codes, decoded and displayed to the creator to verify they are correct, re-coded to save the data in a format that the computer can remember, decoded by the retrieving computer for the reader, then, readers decipher the words, and meanings of the words. So in reality is anything we read real? The only real idea is the one at the beginning the one that started the reasoning and the notion of putting that idea in to words. This is a hard idea to grasp even for me. And I live in the logical world nearly every day all day.

So, no idea we read is complete. It has been changed not only by the reader's perspective but by the limitation of the words to express the writers idea to begin with. With that in mind... as I start thinking about everything I remember writing over the last years... it too has been altered by me just trying to put it to words to begin with. Just like right now the limitations of the words themselves can't express the ideas that I have about them because they can't express it completely.

OR...

Because we have developed 'the word' have we as a species changed our thinking patterns to match the words we have created. Have we bottled ours minds in to the limitations of written word. Is it possible we have created our own catch 22. Has expanding our knowledge and sharing that through the vastly inadequate words we have created caused us only to think within the confines of those words and thus restricted our own progress of evolution. Can we ever exist outside these confines anymore. Is it possible that the human race has created its own endless loop in to eternity.



Who knows... I don't. I enjoy expanding how I think by asking these very startling and unanswerable questions about the ideas that exist in the world we have today. Because of this worlds creations, can share data so easily now. And data availability has become an issue. If we has a human race do not stand up and protect the ideas we have about data and the ways we wish to use it then the world will slowly become censored. It will not happen overnight, it will not happen and show a startling contrast to the day before. It will happen slowly... bit by bit, one little word after another, until there are only meaningless words left.

Data is an idea that most people can't grasp. I am not talking about mass levels of information being passed from individual to individual... I am talking about the idea that, data, the information you are reading now will have no meaning because words themselves will have no meaning to anyone because they will not be used without first being changed to fit some pattern. Just as I have created a pattern of words to translate an idea from my head to the words you read.

I believe, information is the key to us as humans existing forever. If we as a species decide to make information gathering and knowledge growth our sole reason to exist... think of what might happen to the data we have stored right now. Having it freely shared, worked on to increase it, and distributed as 'common' information. It could change our entire species from being the greedy, self-centered, segregated people we are to the Utopian existence so many writers of words have described. This is an old idea. Many of the historical empires and civilizations were created in this way. All have fallen to one of the forms of human greed for some reason or another.
The idea of utopia is not a hard thing to imagine if you think about it. We all work hard at creating it. Within our homes, our workplaces, and even within ourselves. We strive to create harmony, or balance if you will, with everything we interact with. The information we share, store, and lock away has a lot to do with that. How many times has keeping secrets turned out good for you?



I started to write some random thoughts about words today and ended up talking about Utopia. Sounds logical to me... :)


Andrew

Cheating for the post numbers

I am cheating... making a post to hit my goal of posting 120 blogs. I set this goal for my self a long time ago and forgotten all about it. Lucky WorkPress doesn't forget things like that and it recently let me know I was getting close. I still took my time getting there... but was only one post away so I figured I would just ged'er'done right now and cheat a little. :)


Insta-gratification!

Andrew

Chocolate - reviewed

I just finished watching this movie from Thailand called Chocolate. It isn't the Chocolate with Depp in it, ok. It is a martial arts movie. Like most of the movies I like to watch to kill time... it wasn't a great movie. The action scenes were really good overall. Better then most martial arts movies... Back story.
I really like the really B and C rate movies. I don't' know... the just catch me as you are always watching the underdog trying to make something great. And a lot of them have awesome ideas and stories that go with them. Most don't get to realize the full potential of the story. It may have something to do with being able to imagine the greatness that wasn't able to be made. If they put all the frill in to it then you would have a true crap move with no story at all, AKA, the move commonly known as Transformers 2.
Back... the scenes were good. They didn't look fake just a little stiff and very b rate... at least I thought so. I watched the entire movie and there is a scene where someone falls several stories from a building, hitting a few things on the way down. Very cool little fight scene over all. Slow but had some great simple and fun stunts.

The movie comes to a close... or so I thought. The credits show some of the bloopers from the making of the movie. It is worth watching the movie to see the end of it. It reminded me of the early Jackie Chan movies where they show the stunts going wrong... this was worse. SO, The guy that fell from the building... REALLY did fall from the building!!! The rest I will leave un-spoiled.
You can find it on Netflix insta-queue



So here is my first movie review...

Chocolate (2008)
9 on my B martial arts film category

Andrew

never enough time

I feel the need to blog. However, I also have the physical requirement of sleep to deal with. If only there was more time... I imagine all the things I could get done. If I had more time... would I really use it to get those things done? Would I not feel the urgency to do the things I thought about because I can always get more time.
I have a feeling my time is running out on some of my imagined things I want to do. My sense of urgency and corresponding anxiety is growing by the day. But a lot of my life stuff is 'on hold' for so many great and perfectly logical reasons. I feel more trapped now than I have ever remembered feeling before. That makes me feel 'not good' at all right now... and all the outside stresses haven't helped much these last few months. When I see a glimmer of the light at the end of a tunnel for an issue... than, I start thinking about the tasks in the next one and that glimmer isn't all that great anymore. It is still good to know things are behind me but just getting past steps A and B doesn't make C-Z any more simple or easy to work though. The tasks ahead of me are bigger than just me. I can't deal with them alone and that scares me enough to make me want to stay in the 'on hold' state. Will anything ever really be easy... does life always require this much fighting spirit to traverse?

So to answer my own question... I am glad there isn't enough time at least then the biggest challenges are still 'in the future'.

Andrew

Birthday Wish

I am writing this a few short minutes before my 29th birthday. I have found over the last few years I seem to take the days before my birthday and think over my life. What has happened over the last 365 days, and where the next 365 will take me. As I look back I always seem to think of the struggles of life. But today I thought of the good things. The milestones that marked my growing in to who I am. I honestly didn't think it was possible to have gotten to some of the heights I was. But I did it and even though I am not there now... I know I will be again.

From my childhood three events stand out as defining moments.
My bike wreak in to the pine trees when I was first learning how to ride. I remember being scared that the tree was getting close, to scared to turn. That was the first of some really horrifying wreaks. Several I still have scars from.
There was a time I rode my bike nearly 10 miles to go see someone and didn't stop. I just rode by and back home. Again scared for a completely different reason. I always think of that moment as one that defined me. I have never really broken from that scared nature that I had at that time. But it was one of the first truly bold, out-of-box moves I ever made and the rest of my life I have built on that to where I am today.
The last event was the time of my first rebellious act of independence. I wasn't as old as you think, but I worked very hard that day to disobey and to not do what I expected to do. I had logical reasons at the time for my actions. Because of that day they are still some of the same reasons I have today for my actions. That day taught me something bigger then the events that happened. It taught me that no matter right from wrong, most people will try to force their will on you. They will try and mold you in to what they think you should be. I think that was the event that pushed me to make sure I was like no one else.

In my high school years things were not all that interesting. I was in social shock most of the 4 years. Coming from a BFE area rural family, going to a very small catholic school, and basically not really having anyone other than my family to be friends with would do that to anyone I would think. Even after 4 years I never really got the hang of the social world.
My first real girlfriend. Not anyone I would be interested in today. But young men don't think with their heads on their shoulders. I was no different. It taught me a lot, but at the same time it hurt me. It skewed my views enough to cause pain later in my life. It also helped me build a different version of myself after I realized the truth of it all. It was worth the pain.

In my early adult life I made great strides in life and tripped more then I hopped.
I was married before I even realized what that really meant. I missed a lot because of my devotion to that idea of marriage, I gained a lot too. It allowed me to get away from the place I grew up. Got me further in to the world than I wanted to think about and now can't stop thinking about. It took me to a place that I enjoyed and want in my life again. It created more hurt and pain then I had experienced before and to this day clouds my past. Thinking back I very rarely don't think about that dark time. It is what drives me forward.
After the marriage my life became... interesting... for a while. I wasn't thinking, I was just doing. It was the college life I never had, kinda. I was old enough to make sure I was responsible but I was able to release and not care. To walk away from the things before and forget what I had to deal with in the real world. I found people during that time that changed me... taught me that the values I have are mine and are important to me. Before that time in my life I hadn't defined myself and what I believed. I was a roamer. Doing what ever I thought was right at the time. I started piecing myself together after that. Most of it can be read in this blog. From my first post on my MySpace blog, to the move to wordpress.com hosted blog, to the full move to my own domain. It is a journey of myself in words. I have learn more from my own words in this blog then I could have ever learned just roaming around looking for answers. I don't answer questions on here... I explore them, just like the ideas before my birthday. I have put in to words small times I remember. In doing so I unlocked more details and endless ideas from those small events. That is the reason for my typed ramblings.

I don't know what the next 365 will hold but I will make it better then the prior 365. My only wish is for all good things for all the good people I have known, will know, loved, and will love.


Andrew

the truth

I was up really late one night. I for some reason decided to listen to some music. A few songs played that I really like. They are the types of songs that make you really feel the intent of the words in your heart. Songs with feeling and meaning. I have heard them dozens of times. This time was different. This time it sparked an idea of truth that I have always tried to uncover and seemed only skirt in all of my endless ramblings and thoughts. The truth was revealed when I put the ideas in the songs together and applied them to my life. Not as it is now but the entire history.

By looking at how my life became what it is today from the simple points of view there is a pattern that shows itself. This simple truth should have been easier to spot and understand before now. And to a point I have. But for some reason I was missing a layer of understanding. I find that is how a lot of things are in my life. I know all of this and all of that but I am missing one simple common thing that makes 2 and 2 come together. Today I understand myself a little more. The first step is recognizing you have a problem in the 12 step programs. I guess figuring out your self can follow the same logic. You have to see the trees, the brush, and weeds before the forest makes any since. It is baby steps.

The truth is... well it doesn't really matter what this truth is. Learning to understand what it is and the reason it effects me so much does.

I have been writing in this blog for a few years now. Every time I do I seem to understand myself more. I grow by trying ideas and exploring thoughts. I once thought i was trying to changing myself. I have realized that I don't need to change... I need to understand. I don't know myself as well as I had thought I did. Life has raised questions that have been getting harder and harder to answer. The more I dig the more I have fallen back on my old ways of thinking. That life will work out. Things will fall in to place. I know that isn't true. I made things happen before and I can do that again. I need to keep that faith that my hard work will pay off and it will cause good things to come for both myself personally, professionally, and that leads to being able to be there for everyone else.

I have set a goal for myself. It is a very long term goal but I know I can get there. Now I start the planning and doing to reach that goal. First step... setting some milestones.


Andrew

Disapointments

I know we all live with it from time to time. Some of us on a daily basis. Over the last few months my frustrations over the disappointments in my life, work, and just generally about the world have been growing more and more hostile. I find myself not allowing them to roll off me like I have taught myself to do in the past. Things just aren't the same here. I feel like I live in a unforgiving and hostile environment. The weather is always out to try and kill you. If it isn't constant rain, it is ice, snow, or fog. I don't think I have seen the actual sun in weeks. The people here don't make it any easier. The few that are actually good at what they do or are good people usually get a superiority complex and end up being complete assholes. The bar for being good at ones job is far lower here as well. I know why nearly everyone with a truly successful future leaves this place. Everyday I am reminded of why I left the first time and it just makes me more sad everyday that I was forced to move back here.

I guess I am just sick of being back at the bottom of the world again. I was in a good place not so long ago. I had potential... now it just feels like I am on a dead end road with no brakes. I don't know what is at the end but it isn't looking good. I miss the good times. I am working hard to bring them back.

Fears

I haven't blogged in a while. I can tell... Blogging is my therapy, my release. Without it, I don't feel like myself. I start to loose focus on life. Not that this year had been all that good for it anyway but I think I should at least try and keep my head above water during these 'hard times' for lack of a better short description. These last few months I have slowly lost my drive, my desires, my will to keep battling on. It was always easier to deal with setbacks when there were people around that kept your spirits high by just being there. The friends that were there meant more to me than I gave them credit. Sorry my friends, I sold you short, I left without saying proper goodbyes, and I left when I shouldn't have. I am loosing myself here. I haven't really recovered from what happened in January. I couldn't have cared less about the job I lost... but the life I had built over the last several years just ended and I am afraid of never getting it back. That I have to start all over makes me not want to. make me want to just give up and settle for what I can barely scrounge up.

I have started some projects to keep me busy. To keep me from doing nothing and away from the endless thoughts of the 'bad stuff'. The projects are nice, I have learned alot. I have done a lot of new things that are way out there from my normal playing around with stuff. I might actually find something I like doing more... I am not holding my breath. It has also kept me from doing stuff I should be doing. Time has been flying by. Two and even three weeks have gone by without me even once thinking about paying my bills or taking care of some of my legal paperwork I still need to complete. I still haven't changed my address on my license and I have been here since July! I don't speed money anymore because just buying food for myself at the store usually drains the last few dollars I have each week. Living here is more expensive overall then living in Phoenix Metro. If I wouldn't have found this super cheap apartment (not a great apartment in any way) I would have to find a way each week to pinch pennies just to get the things I need. I am over reacting there a little bit. I can save money on some things if I really had to. Like my cell phone bill and internet connection. Both of those are really high compared to what most others use... but I am not most people. Saving 10 dollars a month but than having to stress about going over minutes isn't really a savings to me. Not even having to think about it is worth the 10 dollars ... as long as I have it to spend.

I guess what it really boils down to is, I don't feel like I am home here. I feel like I am working at a job site and on Friday I will be getting back on the plane and heading home after getting the job done. But, every day feels like it is still only Monday and the job doesn't seem to get any closer to being complete.

Andrew