19 weeks in to 30

As many of you may know already know, I am in my 30th year of life. This is the19th week of that 30th year. Some interesting things happened in the 18th week... a lot of job shifting and other things. The scheduling of which will be crazy over the next 3 weeks and will keep me in my "intellectual only" running shoes. This guy does not really own and hopefully will never be conned into owning running shoes. As I was typing this I actually got that schedule in my email. The irony of timing.

There has also been some other good things in life. A realization of comfort in how I feel and how others feel about me. Knowing this makes some other things about how we exist better. Being able to discuss things that most people shy away from just because they are uncomfortable with the subject or afraid of discussing that subject with the specific person you are with. Now, I rarely have issues discussing anything about anyone in front of anyone, but not everyone knows that about me. And if they don't know that about me they might think I might react irrationally and be upset. That is something I enjoy about myself these days. It is hard to upset me or offend me. 

There are some more things happening that can't really be discussed in a public forum... at least not yet. Just put it this way, there are people I have to be have interaction with I haven't been required to have interaction with before. This might lead to loss of respect for that person or group of people depending on what 'mentality' or 'way they think' turns out to be. (not my words) Just so you know... I believe the worst thing that I can bestow on any one person in this world... is the loss of my respect for them as a human being or what they stand for. I don't stand with people that don't have respect for others and if the mentality is what I expect it to be... well lets just say my blog might start having copies of their words more often and names to go with them. Just saying I don't conform just because you say I have to! 

Back to the 30 years thing. I never thought I would be where I am at today. But the world job market isn't what it was 10 years ago or even 5 years ago. I was in a much better place in life and career just 3 years ago  but things change and we are forced to adapt. Luckily adapting is something I am really good at. This year is the year of bettering myself job wise. I have a goal in mind that will take me about 16-20 months to make a reality. I think it will be really easy to do despite the uphill battle I face in doing it. My goal is not obtainable even right this moment besides in a few peoples eyes that are blinded by their own truly personal issues with me. Part of this plan is to force by pure effort and quality work passed their objections. You know the slave that became more powerful then the king by literally winning the hearts of the people. I am going to make myself invaluable to everyone I talk with. Making me more important than anyone else before or after making sure no one forgets the contributions I have made and to make sure I get what I deserve for the effort. 

By the time I am 31 I will be more than I am today... more in many ways. I can't predict the future and I can't state the exact outcome. But, that is the reality we all have to overcome. 

Andrew

Taste is all that matters.

New goal... create the perfect pizza burger!!

Reference: http://hitsusa.com/blog/2080/burger-king-pizza-burger/

yeah that one looks good... now I must make one even better than that. Something so endlessly delicious you can't help but have another piece.

MMMMMMMMM! It is a tasty goal.

Andrew

Want a Girfriend?? (My history....)

What a question... I see this question all the time it is a standard ad here on FB for us guys. if you are going to ask a question there should be an answer to it right? I can answer this question... Do I want a girlfriend, yes and no. Hmmm...that is an interesting answer... I started dating late in my teens..I was already 16 before i really had a 'date'. Mainly due to where i was raised... the middle of the country miles from anyone my age... and also partly on how i was raised.. the only reason to date was to look for someone to marry.. WOW, Really!!! What an old fashioned idea. LOL. (this is an incite in to how i grew up) I took that literally for a long time, because i wasn't all that social as a child or teen and it took me several years to figure out what the world was really like and i am still working on some of that too. So a quick rundown of my history, I was with my first real girlfriend for 2 years. After that was over I then spent 8 months single. Then my next 'relationship'... it was 6+ years... and most of you know where that ended up so i will not go in to that. So, in reality i am just a freshman in the world of relationships or even dating... as there have only been a handful of those outside those 'relationships'. Many of you reading this may find that very interesting as I have never really shared this info about my life as openly as i have other stuff. But, as many of you have heard... I am an open book to the world, all you need to do is ask.

So, how can i say yes yet also say no? Well my life has changed allot in the last year. I have learned more about life in this time then i ever cared to know before and now i want to know everything i can. That is were my dilemma begins. I have been asking the same questions for months. Am I ready for a relationship? Can i handle everything? Is it possible that I am not mature enough to have a relationship? Is my knowledge about life itself is still to little? Should I wait? Should i just jump in to it and figure it out as i go? It is too early to even be worrying about my future relationships? Am i just being my standard self and thinking way to hard and too much? Even now, I have no idea how to answer any these questions except the last one... that is always answered with a YES!!!! LOL... I have been holding back even starting any type of involvement with anyone because of all of these questions. And even the dates i had been going on have done nothing other than make these questions more forward in my mind. It is also a huge reason why i am like i am.... Some times i blame how i act on my shyness that i have been battling most of my life and that is true to a point. Most of the time it is my thoughts making me second guess everything I do and say. This is more of a problem then shyness. It is hard to shut off your mind and not think. I know my face or something about me gives me away most of the time. because, i get asked allot what i am thinking about. a lot of the time my response is i am trying not too and that is an honest complete truth. I know what my thoughts do to me and i do my best to keep them at bay. I am not successful that often.

So do i want a girlfriend? yes and no. Do I want to have a date? yes and no. I have questions that raise even more questions that are for and against both of those ideas and i can't answer any of them. Isn't that a beauty of life... the crazy and far out there thinking that we have the ability to do to create questions we can't even answer. This thinking is fun and scary all at the same time. We as people can't standardly understand these questions we create about life... if we could we wouldn't have much to figure out while we live and life itself would just be boring. This hasn't gotten me any closer to any type of real answer to the question posed but it is one good set of thoughts... LOL

This has been a blog of exposure for me... I am letting out details about myself that most people never get close enough to either figure out or ask about. So why write this?? Because, there are people in this world I think should have this info yet I can't bring myself to just tell them... that is a discussion for a later blog. Have 'fun' with the questions you have created for yourself... I know i will be having 'fun' with these questions and others for a long time to come.

Andrew

New Horizons

Today I am working on plans for my future. It is looking brighter and brighter every time I work on them. You see I didn't have high hopes for my future without the one I love in it. That future has now been decided, it doesn't exist. It took a while to look past that and start seeing what future you can have when all I have done for years is look to that future and that future only. It turns out that my future I was looking forward to isn't one that was all that nice. It might have been at some point, but it would have taken a long time. Now, I am not thinking just because things are changing that everything is going to be perfect. I know it is going to take a long time for me to get back where I was. To make up the ground I lost because of this change. If this change is done correctly, it will help make that time a lot less. I know I haven't taken this change very well and I have done very stupid things and made decisions at times I should have just done nothing. But that is what humans do, we make decisions some good some bad. It is free will. We have to live with all of those decisions.

The fall out usually isn't good but we have to live with that. That is part of having that free will. We have two choices is things go wrong, run from it, or deal with it. I was a runner for a long time. I wasn't a direct runner; I covered everything up kept it secret and hidden. But this was still running from it. I have to deal with everything. It built up for so long my cover cracked and I was nearly drowned by it. I am working on ways to deal with everything, I will never be back to covering it up. I am going to make myself the best person I can. I am gong to be the social person I never was, and I am going to be the good friend I never was before. I am also going to try being a brother and a son like never before. I will have to take baby steps as I am still an "emotional infant" (my bothers words). I will learn fast because I understand things I didn't before. I see things I never dreamed before.

I now see my own personal potential. My potential, not to succeed in my career, but in my life. I see possibilities that were never even in my dreams before. This is a good day. I know not every day will not be good. But everyday will be better now.

Today is my day!!!! Today is the day I am the better person for once and not respond to what annoys me, or what makes no sense. I will not be who I have been when it comes to life. Because life hasn't given me slack so why should I give it slack.

Today is full of new goals and new plans and new hopes. Today is now.

Andrew

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Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Real Friends
Current mood: understimulated
Category: Friends
The word Friend:

1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: "friends of the Boston Symphony."

3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: "Who goes there? Friend or foe?"



I am not a friend. I have never been a friend to anyone. I have friends and had friends. But I have not been a friend. Never have I completely made my self available as a friend. Even now after all I have seen and experienced I still can not look at my self as a friend.

I am going to change this. I am going to make me better to make my friends better. Because who are we without friends. Sometimes love comes and goes, but friends are forever. I still remember my first friend. My mom always took her home from school during kindergarten. We always played the same song off a tape in our big blue van. I still remember the feelings of friendship. I was so young then and I didn't have the weight of the world on me and things were simple. When you were young you didn't hold grudges for weeks only seconds. The words mad and angry only applied to short periods of time. Today those words span years and decades. Why can't we be like kids and forget what others have done to us. We say we act like adults but sometimes kids are more truly adult then we are. I know this is the way everyone is in this world but I try not to let things get to me. If they do it usually only takes a few hours for me to get over it. That didn't happen with my heart break. It got in me and stuck in me and I am still trying to get over it.

This all started on April 14th. That is the day I lost control, I broke down. It took over two weeks and medication to get me back to my right mind. But that just got me to a point where I can start working on my emotions. I am now over three weeks in to that and I still haven't gotten far. I still need help almost every day to stay afloat. But I am happy that I am working at it.

My heart didn't break until May 7th. That was the day my wife told me she didn't have feelings for me anymore. That is the day that everything I wanted in life changed. Before that day everything in my life was about her. Everything I did in my life was for her. Even the selfish things I did were about her in some way. Maybe I just wanted to make her proud of me. maybe I just wanted her to respect me. Maybe I just wanted to impress her. At some point doing everything wasn't enough. She stopped getting what she wanted from me. Maybe I should have been a friend.

So what is a friend. We can debate that for a long time. None of us have the exact blueprint for a friend. But we all know the best friends we have. We just know who they are.....................

For some reason I have lost my thoughts on this subject right now. I will pick this up in a later post.

May we all be great friends.

Andrew