unique perspectives

A brief history:

I started this blog a very long time ago. Back when I started to realize how little of the world I actually understood. Was the time of my life where I was learning a lot about myself and about the world and life in general. Been through some rough happenings that exposed my ignorance more than I was able to deal with. In my younger years I did not have the mental fortitude to admit to myself that I was ignorant. I screwed up a lot of things because of that one singular aspect of my personality. It's still part of me but I know it's there and I've learned to stop listening to it. I think I'm just a little bit more self-aware than I have ever been in my life. I wonder if that's what it really means to be wise. 

I started blogging because of a simple idea that was presented to me about keeping a journal. I never really did keep a journal. But I liked the idea of placing my ideas on a medium that was open to the world. I didn't care if a single person ever read anything that I wrote. The act of writing was the point. For some reason today I decided it was time to possibly pick this up again. I've toyed with the idea a few times over the last few years since I stopped. I think writing this blog made me a better person, and stopping has somehow made me less of what I could have been. We all have a self-image concept of what we think we are and it's tinted a little by what we want to be. I think the act of writing this blog over the years molded me to better match what I wanted to be. 

I lost sight of what I learned when I was writing. And ended up making some of them the same mistakes that I remember making before. 'Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.' The quote is taken a little out of context, but I think it applies to personal history and personal growth the same as it does societal histories. I deal with stress differently than I did back before I started as well. The same things that would affect my mental state don't affect me as much anymore. I don't know if it's again being more self-aware or the fact that maybe those things aren't as important as I originally made them out to be. So I think doing this writing will help me with quantifying my personal beliefs and be more self-aware. 

A story of perspectives:

My wife loves watching true crime shows. We've watched so many of them over the years, but I still cannot fathom what goes through people's minds that cause them to do the things they do. There was a recent one where someone was supposedly brainwashed into being accomplice in the murder of their own mother. It got me thinking about how a reasoning human could ever be coerced into believing that an action such as that was okay. I can grasp an idea that that in the heat of a moment someone might be able to get caught up in an event that led to the ultimate harm to another individual. However, after that moment passes reason should return and proper actions would be taken to report the truth. This is just the simple action of a reasonable rational individual person. The person must not have ever been a reasonable, rational person from what I see. But how can a person not be reasonable and rational. Maybe it's as simple as I didn't grow up like they did or maybe I have personal belief that I haven't quantified that prevents me from understanding something happening like that. Maybe it is just difference of perspective that I can't see. 

I once got accused of something quite horrifying because of contextual misunderstanding of perspectives. It was one of the most eye-opening experiences of my life. That incident taught me that everyone has a completely different perspective of what is happening around them. Even though I now understand what cues caused the person to make the assumptions they did, I don't believe my own life experiences would ever allow me to make the same conclusions they did. I don't think I could ever intellectually and automatically make the same assumptions after seeing the same thing and react the same way. I do not believe any two humans will ever be able to truly understand the perspective of each other. No matter how much we communicate, no matter how much we put effort in to seeing what others see. Most of the conflicts in my life are because I forget none of us see the world's colors the exact same way. We all wear our own unique shade of rose colored glasses.

Ramblings of 2020...

 Wow... 3 years since I have taken the time to write something. I write a lot of emails, notes, directions and all other things in my job. Taking time to write something just to write it seems like a waste of time. However, i really miss just getting things out of my brain and the last months and really year have been frustrating.

About a week ago I was fixing some stuff for my domain ownership and DNS hosting and had to test access... and it didn't work. That lead me down the path of reading a few of my old writings and it felt like someone else wrote them. As I read through the titles and completely through a few of the posts that caught my eye, I discovered it still applies to even my current state of mind. I guess we are who we are, we don't really change much. I believe in a lot of ways we are wired to look at the world in a specific way and even if things change and we grow overall we still think and act and do everything the same, just in a different time and place. 

Talk about a different place... I am not sure the "end is nigh" groups are all that wrong these days. What a difference a year makes. Hate is the primary driver of almost everything you see and hear anymore. I can't fathom how people can't see that in what they are doing. I guess they are too close to the events to see them for what they are, a immature group tantrum of what I believe is generally good people if alone. It is like slinging hate around is going to solve all the issues. And the PC of the world has gone nuts. I honestly fear the day is close at hand where if someone orders coffee 'black' they will get shot for being a raciest. Social media is going to be the death of us all. Black Mirror isn't all that far fetched when you look at todays events. After some careful thought, I ended up deleted almost all my social media accounts. Partly to get away from all everything I could. Partly to protect the people I love, myself, and my place of work. And Partly to remove one pawn from the board. Maybe it will make a tiny difference.

On to more pleasant things... sort of...  I 'read' alot. OK... I don't read, I listen to audiobooks... but it is just as good as reading and I do it ALOT. Like last month I spent more than 180 hours listening to booka. I am usually around 60ish hours a month but this last month several big things happened.
First, Audible added the Plus subscription, which gave me access to a huge book list without having to pay credits for each one. This means that a lot of short books I wouldn't have spent a full credit on, I can read for no extra money. It also means that books I might not have thought were appealing enough to spend credits on are now free to listen too.
Second, Bobiverse book 4 was released. So I took the weekend before it hit to completely re-listen to the first 3 books. It was a great idea to do so, a long time since the last book came out and it was fading from memory a bit. Awesome series if you have the time for a listen. 
And lastly, The Dresden Files, one of my all time favorite book series, released book 17. (Battle Ground) just a few a short few months after book 16 (Peace Talks) in July. Over 5 years waiting for a new book and we got 2 in just a few months. It really is two parts of the same story this time unlike the other books within the series. Also within the pages of 'Battle Ground' an event of great sadness happened... a sadness I don't think will ever go away. A person in the book dies randomly. Accidentally shot by a coward and an idiot. This wasn't the first death, but it was the most unexpected of deaths in the series. There is plenty of warnings and foreshowing of this coming if you really think back through the stories. I will never really get over this one. It will haunt my thoughts every time I read anything Dresden related from now and forever.

Actually I think the events within The Dresden Files is really what sparked me to start writing this blog again. There isn't many people in my life daily that would really understand how much the stories I read effect me. I don't forsake the real world for the story or live within the fiction, but they become part of who I am all the same. Those around me may never really see the reasons for my changes in moods unless they happened to be reading the same things at the same time. But this event in a fictional book has made me real world sad and given the me the inspiration to start typing in this little window again for the first time in many years. With the way things are in the world around us all, even a little sadness isn't something we can afford to hold on to. Maybe putting words on to an unread blog might just help a little. 

In Memoriam

This morning it finally hit me that TJ is gone. All the things he meant to me and all the things he did for me over the years never really condensed in to consensus thought until he wasn't here. TJ came in to my life at a young age, for both me and him. For me I was an adult but was naive, almost useless, irresponsible, and didn't really understand what was really important about living. Shortly after he adopted me, yeah I might have picked him up from my friends house when I agreed to take him but it was he who choose me in reality, life and the world got very real for me. Some of the worst things in my memory are from that time. But TJ was there through all of it. Sometimes the only cause of a good laugh or a smile among my inter turmoil and bleak world around me.

We didn't always see eye to eye, he always wanted to sleep where he wasn't allowed. He clawed on the couch and made messes from time to time. There were literal times I know he was arguing with me. His vocals were like no other cat I have ever know and you could tell he was not happy.

Several people over the years that don't like cats all that much, me included, loved TJ because he was different. He wasn't that typical cat that was annoying. He had a presence in my home over the years that can't be described easily. He was unique and special in ways I can't put in to words. I tried to make his life a good one, I hope he agrees.

I and those that loved him will miss him very much. No one or pet could ever replace what he meant to us.

Goodbye my friend.

My name is... WHAT?!

Hi... My name is Andrew.

I don't know why... but for almost two years that little starting out intro has been stuck in my brain. Every time I think of going anything or saying anything to anyone or any group that matters that is the first idea I have. I usually go with it because it works. That is who I am... Andrew. What does Andrew mean... well that is another journey all together!!

My life hasn't always been what I wanted. Or I should say I don't always know what I want my life to be. What I want and what is sometimes still up for grabs... I am 30+ now and still really don't have much drive. I am not dedicated to anything strongly. I love and am loved and that is about all I generally need to keep myself in good shape. There are times when I get down and don't feel like things are going well. But most of the time that is when things are going so well that I feel out of place, literally out of ideas and out of things to fix in my personal life.

I am in one of those times. Good job, great girlfriend, money is in good shape, day to day is OK, and I am learning more every day than ever before. However... I still feel wrong. It is like the struggle of daily life makes me better than I am. Like just scraping and getting by makes me a better at being the person I really want to be. It seems to me that the complete picture of myself, Andrew, isn't really here right now. I am being lazy and my real self hates me because I am too comfortable. I remember the last time this happened... I made a bad choice and it has messed everything up ever since. The question now is what I am I going to do right now. What do I need to put forth the life chalenge to get me back in line.

Well the first step... a blog post... Check one off that list.

What should be next???


--Andrew

A new perspective

I am sitting here tonight a little 'tipsy'... But well in my right mind to have a discussion about the changes of perspective.
I have been down roads and paths in my life that were plan stupid when looked at from hindsight. But right now I don't believe I need to worry about that. Thing are just starting to become great again after two + years battling back from the setback in early 2011. Life is in good shape... Money is flowing in to the savings. Work is smooth and demanding and there is lots of it. Family and friends are having their ups and downs but rolling with the punches and seeming to pop out on top. Who could ask for more??
So it is time for a perspective change. I am not as young as I used to be. It is time to start thinking about what I am going to be doing for the rest of my life after work. I'm not sure what that's going to be at this particular point in time. I'm not old but I am also not young anymore. Starting to think about what I want to accomplish over the next 50 ish or so years is going to determine how I move forward in my life.
It is no secret, there is someone in my life right now. The kind of person that makes me want to think about what the future holds. Yes, I do know what that last sentence really really means and what it has the potential of meaning. It is been an idea in my brain for a while something that has meaning but has no words on stone yet. Is the time of trials right now... Meaning that the world can go in a direction and there is no controlling what he does. We must deal with the how things play out.

I'm into football this season, very much so. I really do like football. I join the fantasy football league with my company. Did a few  for friend leagues last year but not with people I know. Battling those that you work with is an entirely new level of excitement and competition. There is just something about challenging the intellect and abilities of someone you know in a environment that is controlled yet endlessly unpredictable. It sometimes it shows you a new perspective of those you are competing against. I've already found out that people are not all that much different overall. We all deal with the actions and consequences of all of those around us. Almost like a weave pattern where one thread affects the one next to it which affects the one next to it. Robert Jordan did a damn good job describing that IDF about a singular individual and how it can affect everything in the world.
As I have learned about the world in the things within it, I have determined that one must always adapt and change his perspective on the world. For as you learn about things and people, the world becomes larger. Once perspective from sitting in a valley is that the world is small but the perspective when we've reached the mountain speak is very very different. For the mountain we may be at the top of isn't the tallest in the region but the shortest. It's a constant reminder that for every inch you learn or gain there are millions of inches or feet or yards or miles of information ideas and unseen world still waiting for us. Technology is one of those professions that is more perspective and knowledge driven then many others. As we learn we expand our ability to see other things going on within the technology realm.
Take cellular phones for example. Smart phones have been around for many years however in the past most phones were purchased on the idea that this is what it did and that was it. Now if you buy a smartphone you couldn't infinitely expand what that phone is capable of. You can even change operating systems. Mobile technology has become an expanded world for us IT individuals. So we must expand I'll perspective on technologies like email and instant messaging and how that works into our network environments. But he even on top of all of that natural expansion of Technology. We have our interpersonal growth. We learn 90 percent of a new system and we learn that there is huge volumes more information stuck in the last 10 percent then there was in the entirety of the 90 percent, at least from our perspective it was 90 percent, that we learned. That is the way of Technology  and I assume is part of many many other careers and pads we as individuals humans take.

I think that's enough b******* for today. The perspectives in the ramblings on about other random stupid things. Always remember that no matter what you know now and how much you learn. There will come a time where you learn enough information to know that there is a lot more information out there to get.

Andrew

Sleeplessness like me

So I have been in bed for over an hour without the slightest hint of sleepiness coming over me. I really need to stop with the educational pursuits right before bed... gets the mind turning to many ways for it to settle down for sleep. Two nights in a row isn't too bad.. any more and I will have trouble working. But I will cross that bridge when it happens.

Well there are changes and things in life have also helped add some pressures that might be adding to the sleep issues. I moved almost 2 months ago now... can't believe it was that short time ago. Time isn't going by as fast as it should with the amount of busyness I have been up too. These last 7 weeks feels like it has been 6 months or more. It feels like it has been over a year since the last time I was working as a level 1 on site tech but that changed only back in March to the new site. Then changed again to a multisite floating role a few weeks later. Then to a second level Systems Analyst a few weeks after that and that was only 3 weeks ago yesterday, Monday. Yeah... there has been some things going on 'round here.

I want to write on here more... but every time I have an idea or drive to do so I am never in a place to take advantage of it. I never have been able to take the time I used to and work on just getting my thoughts in to works like I used to. I think I am loosing my ability to do it. :( that makes me sad. It took a lot of time to build that skill and my ability to type it with some efficacy. Me + Keyboard + Spelling = ummm... most likely in bottom 1/10 of 1% in the world. But that is still better than where I was! Not to mention I hated writing anything or even the idea of writing anything. Now emails, notes, descriptions, instructions, and everything else I have to do in my work and life are a piece of cake! For all you students out there. Doing will make you better at what you do... no matter how mundane and random that is.

Well I have also taken up the banner of a few games. MMO style games that I almost swore... well maybe did swear that I wouldn't ever get in to. Now I am playing both Star Trek Online and Neverwinter with some surprising regularity. Right now I am on a Neverwinter spree and spend a few hours every week unwinding and forgetting about the world for a while. Not that anything bad is happening but it is nice to disconnect completely for a while from time to time.

eyes are starting to get a little heavy... yay... sleepy time...

Andrew

19 weeks in to 30

As many of you may know already know, I am in my 30th year of life. This is the19th week of that 30th year. Some interesting things happened in the 18th week... a lot of job shifting and other things. The scheduling of which will be crazy over the next 3 weeks and will keep me in my "intellectual only" running shoes. This guy does not really own and hopefully will never be conned into owning running shoes. As I was typing this I actually got that schedule in my email. The irony of timing.

There has also been some other good things in life. A realization of comfort in how I feel and how others feel about me. Knowing this makes some other things about how we exist better. Being able to discuss things that most people shy away from just because they are uncomfortable with the subject or afraid of discussing that subject with the specific person you are with. Now, I rarely have issues discussing anything about anyone in front of anyone, but not everyone knows that about me. And if they don't know that about me they might think I might react irrationally and be upset. That is something I enjoy about myself these days. It is hard to upset me or offend me. 

There are some more things happening that can't really be discussed in a public forum... at least not yet. Just put it this way, there are people I have to be have interaction with I haven't been required to have interaction with before. This might lead to loss of respect for that person or group of people depending on what 'mentality' or 'way they think' turns out to be. (not my words) Just so you know... I believe the worst thing that I can bestow on any one person in this world... is the loss of my respect for them as a human being or what they stand for. I don't stand with people that don't have respect for others and if the mentality is what I expect it to be... well lets just say my blog might start having copies of their words more often and names to go with them. Just saying I don't conform just because you say I have to! 

Back to the 30 years thing. I never thought I would be where I am at today. But the world job market isn't what it was 10 years ago or even 5 years ago. I was in a much better place in life and career just 3 years ago  but things change and we are forced to adapt. Luckily adapting is something I am really good at. This year is the year of bettering myself job wise. I have a goal in mind that will take me about 16-20 months to make a reality. I think it will be really easy to do despite the uphill battle I face in doing it. My goal is not obtainable even right this moment besides in a few peoples eyes that are blinded by their own truly personal issues with me. Part of this plan is to force by pure effort and quality work passed their objections. You know the slave that became more powerful then the king by literally winning the hearts of the people. I am going to make myself invaluable to everyone I talk with. Making me more important than anyone else before or after making sure no one forgets the contributions I have made and to make sure I get what I deserve for the effort. 

By the time I am 31 I will be more than I am today... more in many ways. I can't predict the future and I can't state the exact outcome. But, that is the reality we all have to overcome. 

Andrew

Missing those that mean so much

I am missing those people that mean a lot to me right now. I don't know the exact reason why. There are more details than at this point... typing on my phone... that I care to admit to. The bottom line is... I just like being with those that I like and love. I just can't do it as mush as I wish to and I miss them dearly. Even this that I have seen just a short few days ago.

Good people are hard to find in any capacity!!!

Andrew

And I did write this while sitting at the bar! 

A restart?

Things have been good for me the last 6 or so months. I tend not to sit and write on here when good things are happening. So all those other lags in my blog are actually similar situations. Good times make me not put words on the screen. That isn't surprising considering the reasons for this blog and what drives my fingers to type.

What is happening in my life that is so good? Well I have been able to basically relax the last several months. The small amounts of stress I did allow into my life have all disappeared, replaced by even less stressful things.
My debt is now 100% paid off. Yeah the event in my life that started me on the path of creating this blog is now completely behind me. The emotional and intellectual stuff around that event have long been 'taken care of' and the lessons learned over that time are integrated into me. But, now that the money side of things is all cleared up, I feel like I am finally free of everything that happened, minus the knowledge I gained of course.
My job took a minor turn toward a more simple 8-4 almost responsibility free position getting paid the same money. Even if it is exactly the same position I had before but in a more hospitable environment. I can forget about work when I leave work now and spend more time at home. With my new found time freedom I have taken it to get caught up with TV shows and movies I hadn't finished watching. Started cranking up side business work to make some extra money.
I have also started dating someone. Well started dating isn't the correct description... I have spend EVERY weekend with her since I met her. She quickly became a reason to have time off work and not work 10 hours every day and at a time when I had the ability to take that time. I have fallen for her and she for me. We just seem to click, there is strong feelings between us but they don't seem to cloud judgment like I have experienced in the past with prior 'heat of the moment', as I call them, relationships. Something just seems more complete this time. I am all smiles when I think of her and it is a little unnerving the draw we have to eachother. Almost like fate really existed. I won't go down that idea fork road today...
I am also moving in a few short weeks. Really close to the new office location, actually inside Indy, the city that pretends to be a big city, but still better than out in BFE where I am now. I really do miss Phoenix. It is also cheaper to live in a nicer place in Indy compared to BFE. Rent isn't cheap around here at all anyway. Cost of living in this area is very high considering where you are, what is available, and the surroundings. A step up is still better than nothing.
All of this has also created issues and doubts about some things in life as well. Debt free, decent job, a significant other, and a better place to live. It made me start thinking about what is next... what should I start planning on doing next. Start working on a better job, more money so I can actually save some of it and retire at an age where I can still enjoy a few years of freedom from the daily grind. Should I be content for a while just existing and relax my entire self before plotting the next course!
What shall I choose... Who knows...

As for right this moment, I have a few friends out in the world that I miss, I am going to start reconnecting with my stress free time. I am also going to get back on here more, because just because I am happy doesn't mean I can't still write a decent blog. :)

Andrew

P.S. this is a new blog location, I migrated it to a completely new service to help integrate some of my other social and interwebs things into it. So far I can't complain. :)

unedited gibberish

hello, I am actually speaking to you. I'm using a voice to text solution so that I can speak rather than typing to you about the things that I really want to talk about.

I will be editing this a little but please excuse any typos, miss types, or grammar incorrectness that you read.

I do this because. First, I am lazy. second, I am lazier than you. Third, I really at-home lazier then you.

So, this is what I've been thinking. The world isn't quite what it is I expected to be. The world I grew up in in my non-urban setting was not quite what I expected the non-urban world to be when I grew up.I expected to be the same as what it was when I grew up I didn't expect things to change. However things always change.

today the world is very different. Urban and rural lifestyles are exactly the same. To a point... We tend to believe that the digital world has penetrated every extent of human life but it really has not. We that grew up in the rural environment know exactly what I mean. Internet is not available to every person in the United States. You may believe it is what it really is not. We have lived a life of privilege by living with in the regions of the United States that do have what many regions do not. We have lived lives of high-speed and even ultra high-speed access to data that the rest of the world can only dream about or read about. We know information in an instant way, that is all we know. I grew up on a 56 kb per second connection that was really only reached 19.86 KB per second. I know what it is and my life to be slow in gathering data. in today's perspective, that is about .1 G of the new 4G scenarios we hear about.

Aside... 4G from each of the companies is not equal. Every company must be judged based on its own reputation. You can not judge company to company in the wireless world. Every company is a fruit of a different origin. An Apple is not an orange is not a tangerine is not a grape is not a Kiwi is not a mango is not a banana is not up each is not a raspberry…… Etc. etc. etc. you get the idea.aside over…

In today's 4G world we think of everything as fast but not everything in the world fast. Things in a very large portion of the global are very very slow. those who were privileged, and I don't consider myself among you because I didn't get Internet access or a home computer until I was over 15 years (circa 1997) old, were way behind the times of the world beyond our home town in the Midwest... Or so I believed. It turns out the world really is more behind than I thought. the choice of me becoming a technician in the information technology world was not necessarily a bad one. I know more about information technology then the information technology professionals I work for most of the time. And it is because I understand the information technology that I am able to do such a thing better than the average technician in this world. I know I know I know, I have a big head. But it is what happens when you are somewhat decent at the job you do. I don't consider myself the best, I know people who are better than I am. They are just very few and far in between. I would give my life to work for one of them. I did, at one time worked for one of them. I did not at the time realize what it meant. I do now and wish I would have paid more attention back when I was young. I already feel foolish in my mid-young age. I do not need to become old to realize my young foolishness.

Another topic now… The world of beer. I have realized that it isn't as complex as I originally imaged it. When I first got into drinking odd beers, as most people would call it. Or what I would call craft or good beers or being a beer snob. back in those days the world of creating a war brewing beer seems so much of a far-reaching exotic idea. Today I realize that there are thousands of breweries in this United States of ours. That means there are 1000 different ways of brewing beer X the number of breweries X that the number of brewers in the breweries. that means there are millions of different beers world. And I have only experienced a minor fraction of what is really out there. I am still one of the odd people that have experienced. In its most ultimate glory. I don't know how many different types of beers I drank my life to this point, but I am probably on the up words or at least 500 different types styles and creators of beer. I have had at least a dozen or more homebrewed beers, that you will never see or never even hear of. I have drunken bottles of beer that boggle the mind. Beer that is so alcoholic and content that it is banned from some states. Any beer that is banned from a state is on my top priority list. I do make a huge deal of trying different types of beer, and even never drinking the same beer twice in the evening, but in reality, I really do have a few favorites. Most of which you probably have never heard of. Left-handed milk Stout, four peaks brewing company oatmeal Stout, Stone brewing Company arrogant bastard, ale Smith Speedway Stout, great divide yeti Imperial Oak aged Stout, great divide Imperial chocolate Stout, Sierra Nevada imperial helles bock, four peaks kiltlifter IPA (wouldn't you like to see me lift my kilt ;)),

another tangent... Online dating! I've done it, or at least tried it. It is a little-known fact, but not hidden, that I met my first wife online. Not on dating site like we see today. On a good old fashion chat room. In a random connection of minds. I really do wish I would've understood then what I know about the human mind. The human mind is something different than everything else that exists in this world no two of us think or believe the same. We may show that we believe in what others teach us. We may believe that we do believe. But in reality to live as we believe we should takes more then curry time effort or even money. Real life takes everything listed above and add it in and full.

Around me?

It has taken many many years. But, I am finally to the point where I am ready to be not alone anymore. I have actually went on a few dates over the last several months. It is like a whole new world out there. I didn't realize how many little particular minutia level things people are judging you on until you start dealing with it. You don't shave and it could cost you a potential friend... I am glad I don't have that problem... I live in a way that, and I know this could come across badly, I don't care. People get to live the way they wish and I live how I wish. I am not going to shun someone because they don't do everything exactly how I want them to. In my opinion I think we should all leave that to politics and religion, they are more practiced at it. And with that comment...

I will always be me no matter who is around me. I only hope that whoever is around me will push me to be better than I am.

Andrew

The down time

OK... I took some downtime from writing. Well sort-of... this blog has been dead... but I am writing just not stuff for here. Things I have been writing lately haven't met my requirements for posting... yes this is just a personal blog about whatever but that doesn't mean i don't have standards.. LOL Call it 'that sucks' writers block. 

For the next few weeks I am going to attempt to write something for this blog every day. It is a challenge I have put forward to myself to keep myself sane. I have always stated this is place is my blog-therapy. 

 

We will see...

Andrew

Taste is all that matters.

New goal... create the perfect pizza burger!!

Reference: http://hitsusa.com/blog/2080/burger-king-pizza-burger/

yeah that one looks good... now I must make one even better than that. Something so endlessly delicious you can't help but have another piece.

MMMMMMMMM! It is a tasty goal.

Andrew

Just some more incoherent ramblings

FUCK everything... ok not everything!!

I have wanted to and attempted to just simply exist for a while. Honestly... it hasn't worked. Simply existing is just too simple a life for someone like myself. Take an example of my life, I have not gained or done anything of note in the last several months. My blog has suffered because I have no interest in typing... unless I have been drinking some beers and then I make no coherent sense. That has also been happening more often since my decision to just live and not worry about everything. I think it is because I don't have the ability to just not worry. I have to have something on my mind and making it churn at all times. Talk about a self stressed out brain.

My job doesn't help... I don't have to really think in my current job. I have become lazy.. more lazy really. In my day to day life, I have always been lazy.. but never in my job. Now I don't even need to put effort in to get the work done so it is starting to become a trap. I can't leave it without something to move to, yet, I can't move up because I have already rocked the boat a few too many times and people just don't like me. They use me but they don't like me.

I guess I just can't help but tell the truth as I see it. Most people can't handle the real truth or they refuse to look at it from a different perspective then a sugar coated rainbows and flowers way. I see good and I see bad in every situation. But I work in a world of logic... I try to make it interact with the real world in a way that makes sense to those that don't understand it. So I have to see more than just what is in front of me and expect anything and everything. Working in this world has given me experience in how to look at things from everywhere all at once. So truth to me is nothing more than the actual facts. When something happens, good or bad, there is some fact that is the root of it. Promises made that were not kept was caused by people leaving a job side with the job unfinished and before they were scheduled too. That is a hard fact that caused me to have to work extra hard to make up for that promise and get things working.

Ok this turned into a bitch session... stopping now. LOL


Andrew

today

Today, friday the thirteenth, has been an awesome day. Most thing have happened today to be happy about than any other day in many many months.


Just a precursor to when I can finally announce such news.

LOL


ANDREW

Life = what

I have been questioning what life really means to me lately. I don't know why.

I seem to be trying to decide what is my next step in my life. Where do I go from here? I'm going to be experimenting with different ideas of the next several months. Hopefully I will find something that makes sense to me. Maybe where I am where I should be, maybe it isn't.

In the end only time will tell if I make correct choices. This stuff really does scare the crap out of me.



Andrew

Responsibility

So conversation came up the other day. What is about power. He brought up the idea in my head of the well known phrase "with great power comes great responsibility". I started thinking about that idea as it pertained to the context of the conversation. It is actually very very true.

The idea it is that a person that has power for whatever reason is ethically if not morally is obligated to treat that power with proper responsibility. The first thing that came to mind is that to be responsible means to be wise. So wisdom is a requirement to being responsible. It raises some interesting thinking points that I will be exploring in the near future.

Sidebar: I don't like that word 'morally'. It has so many negative connotations in today's world. It is been tied to religion almost completely. To be morally correct means to be religious going to be religious means to be morally correct. I avoid using that to describe it anything. The words proper, corrrect, good, or right sometimes just don't quite get the point across. The definition actually means to be concerned with the principles of right and wrong. Defining what is right and what is wrong is not an easy thing to do for any one individual. I think that is why the idea of being moral has been tied to religion so closely.

Back on topic: The context of this having power idea came from a comment about being a 'good person'. The idea is that a good people have power to destroy another's heart. This is because one's heart is more vulnerable to someone who is likeable. So by being a good person people are more likely to like or love that person. Just leaves the people of the world in a very tight perdicament. We now have to control or  limit ourselves responsibly so we do not abuse a power we didn't even realize we had. Can you break it down it actually makes sense.

So what are we to do? I guess we have to be wiser and more responsible than the average person. We have an obligation to our fellow humans to do that. Our nature as good people could even cause us to forsake the responsibility by avoiding it all together.

In my case, at least on the subject matter and conclusions, I don't feel I can trust myself with my own heart at this point in my life. Making decisions that are good for myself is hard enough at this point. The thought of adding the responsibility of holding on to and protecting someone elses heart is almost unbearable to me.

Some questions of my own have been answered here todau. You must be good for yourself first before you could ever be good for someone else. I'm not there yet.

Andrew

The past truth

Tonight I realized that, not for the first time, I have missed out knowing someone in my family the way I should have gotten to know them. I know that they have more thoughts and ideas that are similar to my own then anyone I have met in my travels. My oldest brother is an enigma like me. We grew up in different decades lived very different lives; yet there is a similar spark that makes us exactly alike. It is a scary level of alikeness that has never really made me comfortable. There is a shell I sense around my bother that I have never seen inside of. That shell keeps me on edge... keeps me on my toes when I talk or am around him. I don't know why this is...

I think of myself every time I sense this shell. I think of why I have my own shell I hide in and I think of everything I hide in that shell. And that scares me more to learn what is there than knowing it exists and ignoring it. I have made peace with my past, so so speak. I have accepted the choices I have made. Not that I am proud or happy about them just that I know what I have done.

I try to think that I don't hide my past. But not being open and upfront about it is a type of hiding. If someone were to ask a question I would not answer untruthfully. I would be as honest as the situation would allow. Location is the key to telling a completely honest answer. Given that we don't always have the ability to choose when and where truths are revealed it is always best to keep them hidden forever. I hope everyday that some things about my past will stay that way. Not that I have ever done truly bad things... just that I don't want to loose control over the information that makes up my life.

My first post about a bad day (revisited)

I love technology. That is no secret! With a simple click of my mouse I sorted my posts and pulled up the oldest thing I ever posted. It has been nearly 4 years since I posted my first ever blog post (HERE: http://wp.me/puJD0-q). At the time I was a total disaster. Little did I know that putting those few words on the all but forgotten website called MySpace would end up changing my life. I thought it might help relieve some of the stresses that haunted me... get my pain out in to the world for people to see and not held in anymore. I started that post with hate and vengeance in my heart and mind. I started to post it to strike back but I remember editing it over and over and over again to weed out the things that weren't the real me. It was crude and almost childish in nature and form, but it started a landslide that had only grown as the days and months and now years have past. That landslide has stripped away everything that was my shell at that time. All the layers and walls I put up to make myself look like what I thought everyone expected and what I thought I was supposed to be. It has been a long long road from that day. God, if he exists, may not even be able to tell you everything that has shaped me since then. I know I can't but my blog holds most of that data.

Today wasn't a bad day. Today, I ended up with something on my mind that I was not expecting when I started. A choice, that may determine my future for a long time to come. The choice put in front of me right now wasn't a huge deal when I first saw it because I had made up my mind. I KNEW what I wanted and I planed my day to make it happen. I didn't plan on a choice, I planed on a dictation, a speech, a conversation with only one end. "The best laid plans of both mice and men..." It went as expected in every other way I could imagine, but, this damned choice has become a lot more difficult to process than I expected. So, naturally, I am on this blog working though the swirling thoughts in my mind and trying to figure out what that heart of mine is thinking as well.

I don't know what to do... on one hand I have the possibility of stability and a second chance to try and make something that I have only dreamed of. But possible isn't firm ground to tread on. The second hand provides more tangible unknowns but offers a return to something familiar and solid where potential is plentiful and possibilities are as numerous as grains of sand. Neither road is all glitter and gold and only two holds something of firmness that I can't see down one. But choosing the second hand puts up a Great Wall that can't ever be removed.

For now I have to push off the choice and roll with some of both. Walk the line between the possibilities of hand one without the wall of hand two. Until the more firm facts are available about the unknowns of hand two it will all have to remain in limbo.


So here is to the better days that came from that first post... cheers.
Andrew

the wow

Things are about to get the wow factor added back in for the first time in a long time. The choices I made that I now know are imminent make me nervous. I started down the path of finding who I was and becoming better in the process. I made some choices through that time that has led me to discovering things I wouldn't have imagined coming up during such a journey. Today I know things about myself I would have never discovered if I hadn't made the choices to leave my home and move across the country. To branch out a little and see the parts of the world I thought I was missing. Yes this has led to be understanding some things that are very different than I expected but at the same time it hasn't been the happiest move. The things that happened after making such a move has made me a little gun shy of trying it again. But you only have one life and that life time isn't something to be wasted. There is an old saying, if it isn't broke don't fix it. Well keeping things the status quo is not always the best thing in the world. Sometimes changing what works leads to making things even better. I tried it and now I am trying to get back to my status quo.

Andrew