The past: Ok I know it has been forever since I posted. It should have taken me so long to get back in the swing of things since the fall of my prior job and company and the promo to the new job and new company and such. But I am here now so that means I am getting back on my feet and running. I think the holidays had a lot to do with my general lack of will and could also be a huge reason for the 20+ lbs weight gain. I know I sound like a woman complaining about that... it is more about felling good then being skinny. The move to the new apartment didn't help with anything either. For some reason I ended up with more unpacked boxes in this new place. I didn't have much to pack to begin with and I am still trying to figure out what is in them without opening them.
The now: So what is going on here... a little of everything these days. I have had so much going on that I have all but dropped out of the MINI scene. I have been spending most of my time learing my new job and doing side work. NVCS has really picked up in 2010. I think more and more people are trying to my computer systems run longer to save money in these shaky times. That just means for a few dollars I can show up and clean and do some general work on your systems. I am even thinking about a flat rate on system cleanups. It can be time consuming but it is a low cost endevor for me and customer satisfaction is the best part of my job. There is just something about helping someone out and taking a system that is trashed and make it as clean and new as possible.
The future: I see a very bright future ahead of me. Work is good, home isn't bad. There are always things that anoy you and in time you either get used to the fact that is how it is... or you work to change it. I have a bad habbit of just sitting back and waiting for it to change itself. I am working to change that habbit and start working hard to make everything better. Life just doesn't fix itself and it isn't complex just hard.
Lets see if I keep the posts flowing this time. Doing this makes working though issues in my head easier.
Andrew
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
The Roots of Anger
Why does the world throw us in the anger so easily? At every turn there is someone or something there to knock you down when things seem they are going well. When there is a glimmer of hope at the end of what has seemed a dark and lonely time, the statement is made without the words "That was all just a lie". It makes the end of the world seem so close and nothing seems to make you feel alive. Why can't life just be 'OK'? I am not asking for greatness or perfection. All I want is stability. All I want is the ability to live and plan and scheme to make life better. To pursue happiness and to be given the opportunity to be a good human being. Frustration is the root of anger and the world breeds frustration.
Just needed to go off on a rant.
Andrew
Just needed to go off on a rant.
Andrew
Friday, October 30, 2009
Back in the saddle
WOW!!! What a interesting few months. For me this time away has been filled with tense moments, big changes, and some good things. First, let me say I am truly sorry for not writing for all this time. I shouldn't have needed to stop but there were things happening in my life that required me to keep things on the down low for a while. You know the drama stuff you have to deal with. Friends dating friends, people breaking up, near job losses, pay cuts, and so so much more (disclaimer "to keep more drama from happening": This list does not state specific things that have or have not happened. Don't you hate disclaimers? Talk about the standard political idea there... do not deny or confirm anything ever!) We have all dealt with the 'politics' of life so that is all am going to say about that.
Now for the good stuff? In the last few months I have been fired and hired twice by the same company, first it was a restructure for money reasons, and the second time it was for a merger. With this merger everything has seemed like a the longest list of BS ever. First, not knowing if I even have a job anymore because there was zero communication with the employees; that was several weeks of just endless doomsday rumors. Second, it was waiting another week to find out if I was a Temp or Full Time. Then it was nearly another week before I was officially offered a job that included salary and who my manger is. Now, I know almost everything except what my job description is and where the new office building will located. So why is this in the good category? Well, I have a job being paid the same and I am assuming doing nearly the same thing as I was doing before. I have spent the last two years supporting customers and trying to make the software and hardware better and more reliable. Over all, even though I am still basically doing the same exact thing, it feels like I am starting over at the beginning. I am questioning if I really want to prove myself or deal with those headaches again all over again. For now I am in waiting mode until someone gives me direction.
More good stuff happened, but nothing more seems to be flowing from me right now. But is it good to be back in front of my computer doing something that surprisingly makes me feel happy.
Andrew
Now for the good stuff? In the last few months I have been fired and hired twice by the same company, first it was a restructure for money reasons, and the second time it was for a merger. With this merger everything has seemed like a the longest list of BS ever. First, not knowing if I even have a job anymore because there was zero communication with the employees; that was several weeks of just endless doomsday rumors. Second, it was waiting another week to find out if I was a Temp or Full Time. Then it was nearly another week before I was officially offered a job that included salary and who my manger is. Now, I know almost everything except what my job description is and where the new office building will located. So why is this in the good category? Well, I have a job being paid the same and I am assuming doing nearly the same thing as I was doing before. I have spent the last two years supporting customers and trying to make the software and hardware better and more reliable. Over all, even though I am still basically doing the same exact thing, it feels like I am starting over at the beginning. I am questioning if I really want to prove myself or deal with those headaches again all over again. For now I am in waiting mode until someone gives me direction.
More good stuff happened, but nothing more seems to be flowing from me right now. But is it good to be back in front of my computer doing something that surprisingly makes me feel happy.
Andrew
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Listening
I have never been much of a reader. I read what I need to gather information but beyond that I would rather just sit and watch TV all day. TV has always been my favorite form of entertainment. In the recent past I have gotten in to listening to audio books. I started with books I always wanted to read, and in some cases started, but never really took the time or put the effort in to it. Lord of The Rings was the first series that I listened to. I moved on to Narnia and right now I am on the last book of the Dune Universe by Frank Herbert. I don't know if I am going to continue with the Dune Prequels and Legends or move to something like Jim Butcher's Dresden Files or Ender's Game.
Since I started listening for my entertainment I have found myself listening to more than just books. A friend of mine started a podcast. By listening to this cast I have found my way to other podcasts and new subjects I never really took the time to think about. It has also lead me to start actually reading more. Not books or newspapers, but blogs and forums. I have started to find resources to make it easier to gather what I like to read in one place. It amazes me that just by listening for entertainment, I have grown to be more well read then ever before in my life. I am exposed to more new ideas then ever before.
I think of myself as a very unique individual when it comes to the world and how I learn about it. I am someone that remembers almost everything I read and hear. I believe that is why I am considered by many people to be 'smart'. I have a hard time classifying myself as 'smart', well I have a hard time classifying anything. There are very few things that exist in this little world of ours simple enough to classified accurately. Since I remember details about a lot of things I can correlate between them and create new ideas based on that accumulated knowledge. This is something I do well because I believe knowledge in one subject can help you understand so many other subjects. The idea is not boxing yourself in, knowing something about object A doesn't mean you know nothing about object B. Now what doesn't this have to do with my podcasts, books, forums, or blogs? All the new information I am gathering is changing my perspective on many subjects. Even those I once had solid/unchanging ideas and perspectives on. My world is becoming more broad. I believe I am starting to truly see the world as a whole and not just my small little corner I was stuck in for so long. Well I didn't know it at the time, corners are hard to notice when that is all you can see.
So just because I started listening, I can again say: HELLO WORLD!!!
Andrew
Since I started listening for my entertainment I have found myself listening to more than just books. A friend of mine started a podcast. By listening to this cast I have found my way to other podcasts and new subjects I never really took the time to think about. It has also lead me to start actually reading more. Not books or newspapers, but blogs and forums. I have started to find resources to make it easier to gather what I like to read in one place. It amazes me that just by listening for entertainment, I have grown to be more well read then ever before in my life. I am exposed to more new ideas then ever before.
I think of myself as a very unique individual when it comes to the world and how I learn about it. I am someone that remembers almost everything I read and hear. I believe that is why I am considered by many people to be 'smart'. I have a hard time classifying myself as 'smart', well I have a hard time classifying anything. There are very few things that exist in this little world of ours simple enough to classified accurately. Since I remember details about a lot of things I can correlate between them and create new ideas based on that accumulated knowledge. This is something I do well because I believe knowledge in one subject can help you understand so many other subjects. The idea is not boxing yourself in, knowing something about object A doesn't mean you know nothing about object B. Now what doesn't this have to do with my podcasts, books, forums, or blogs? All the new information I am gathering is changing my perspective on many subjects. Even those I once had solid/unchanging ideas and perspectives on. My world is becoming more broad. I believe I am starting to truly see the world as a whole and not just my small little corner I was stuck in for so long. Well I didn't know it at the time, corners are hard to notice when that is all you can see.
So just because I started listening, I can again say: HELLO WORLD!!!
Andrew
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Blogging as a hardship
It seems as if my blog, like many other things in my life, has recently become a hardship. It isn't that I don't have the time to blog it is just I haven't had the ability. I had several topics I really wanted to write about but when I actually sat down to do it my brain shut off and everything I put in to word made no sense. I like to ramble on and on at times (yeah I know I do it). Many of you that have spent time with me know this very well. There are certain topics that I can talk about for hours. I think of is as my nature to try and share what knowledge I have with anyone that will listen. But when I blog I like to have some constancy to it. It is weird, I think this idea is something I remember form many years ago from a grammar teacher, "You write English you don't speak it." I know this has nothing to do with following a topic in a blog, but it effects my view of how I write these blogs. This idea is one that I follow in different parts of my life. Sometimes the proper way of doing things can be ignored.
To this hardship thing really all boils down to this feeling over these last few weeks that the different parts of my life aren't jiving well anymore. I do not understand the feeling but I can see the effects it is having on my almost routine life I had before. I used to blog about changing myself for the better and those changes were both good and bad. I think I am now experiencing the bad piece of the good changes I planned and made for myself. Responsibilities I took on during this that time of "great change" are now bringing to bare their broadside canons! It isn't a surprise to me as I took these things on knowing full well this day would come. It is just a little different now that I am here. It also is a fact that I didn't prepare very well for this and now I am in a position where I don't believe I can escape as clean as I had hoped from the beginning. Time, is for the most part, on my side. But just like most things that exist in this world taking too much time can become painful and hard to bare. Take this blog for example, it took me 7 tries in the last month and a half to finally finish one worth posting. It was a hard time for me as writing and posting blogs is one thing ii pull strength from and not being able to write it made me feel weak. I hope with this post more than just my blogging will be back on track. I hope it strengthens me for the tasks in front of me and it helps me become the person I set out to become.
Sorry for the long delay, I am back now and there is a new smile on my face... for more reasons than the blog!!!!
Andrew
To this hardship thing really all boils down to this feeling over these last few weeks that the different parts of my life aren't jiving well anymore. I do not understand the feeling but I can see the effects it is having on my almost routine life I had before. I used to blog about changing myself for the better and those changes were both good and bad. I think I am now experiencing the bad piece of the good changes I planned and made for myself. Responsibilities I took on during this that time of "great change" are now bringing to bare their broadside canons! It isn't a surprise to me as I took these things on knowing full well this day would come. It is just a little different now that I am here. It also is a fact that I didn't prepare very well for this and now I am in a position where I don't believe I can escape as clean as I had hoped from the beginning. Time, is for the most part, on my side. But just like most things that exist in this world taking too much time can become painful and hard to bare. Take this blog for example, it took me 7 tries in the last month and a half to finally finish one worth posting. It was a hard time for me as writing and posting blogs is one thing ii pull strength from and not being able to write it made me feel weak. I hope with this post more than just my blogging will be back on track. I hope it strengthens me for the tasks in front of me and it helps me become the person I set out to become.
Sorry for the long delay, I am back now and there is a new smile on my face... for more reasons than the blog!!!!
Andrew
Saturday, June 13, 2009
The 1 year old
I am a proud 1 year old infant blogger! It has been an up and down adventure through my thoughts and ideas displayed out here in the cloud. I have learned a lot about myself through this time and I have undoubtedly shown more of myself to many of you than I ever expected to. This was not my intention when I started to blog all those months ago. I started because I needed a constructive way to express feelings and thoughts and I never intended to publish them. I needed a place to go where my thoughts could be worked though in a way that wouldn't cause any problems. Making these public was at first an act of aggression, but it didn't have the effect I was looking for. Instead, it felt like I had dumped all my inner feelings and just let them all go. That feeling Of release is addicting and I am still doing it today. There are a lot of you that might read this blog now that didn't know me back then. So this may be a shock to you that when I started doing this... it truly saved me from myself! Now it wasn't the only thing that saved me, but without the blog over the long term I know I would not be the person I am.
Since I have started blogging my writing has grown and changed as I have grown and changed. I have learned to share emotions and thoughts and ideas in new ways. I am still am infant in my ability to write and share, but, for someone that truly hates writing I do fairly well, in my opinion. Well I should say used to hate writing! Blogging has taught me how to express myself in words. This is an endlessly valuable lesson and it took me a long time realize my new found ability came from blogging. I even partly contribute last years job promotion to the things I learned while blogging. Overall it isn't easy quantifying what I have learned during this adventure, but the effects on me are easily noticeable for those that knew me before.
I am not claiming that blogging alone changed my life. Allowing one thing to dominate the changes in your life turns you down paths that you will later regret. Many of the things that have shaped me during this adventure I blogged about. And as always some good things some bad things. Today, blogging brings me joy above almost everything else... I said almost!!! There are people and events that bring a joy and liveliness to me that I can't describe in words. So I have never tried. For those that know me best and for those trying to know me better; I hope this blog has shown some insight into me you couldn't get anywhere else. My only advise is to read beyond the words and try to see the ideas behind them. Because those ideas are the real reason why I sit here and type.
Andrew
Since I have started blogging my writing has grown and changed as I have grown and changed. I have learned to share emotions and thoughts and ideas in new ways. I am still am infant in my ability to write and share, but, for someone that truly hates writing I do fairly well, in my opinion. Well I should say used to hate writing! Blogging has taught me how to express myself in words. This is an endlessly valuable lesson and it took me a long time realize my new found ability came from blogging. I even partly contribute last years job promotion to the things I learned while blogging. Overall it isn't easy quantifying what I have learned during this adventure, but the effects on me are easily noticeable for those that knew me before.
I am not claiming that blogging alone changed my life. Allowing one thing to dominate the changes in your life turns you down paths that you will later regret. Many of the things that have shaped me during this adventure I blogged about. And as always some good things some bad things. Today, blogging brings me joy above almost everything else... I said almost!!! There are people and events that bring a joy and liveliness to me that I can't describe in words. So I have never tried. For those that know me best and for those trying to know me better; I hope this blog has shown some insight into me you couldn't get anywhere else. My only advise is to read beyond the words and try to see the ideas behind them. Because those ideas are the real reason why I sit here and type.
Andrew
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Status of life
I feel I have been fairly quite on my blog recently, I think it is because of all that is happening that I haven't blogged about yet. So here is a status update from my world. There has been more and more happening in my personal life and less and less happening in my work life these days. It is a welcome change right now too. Work can be depressing when news isn't the best and a slow personal life adds to that depressing feeling. At the same time it is not the best thing for me financially as a busy personal life generally costs more then the simple boring life in front of a computer that I embrace so well!!
My personal life has become more social then it has ever been before and I have met some of the most exciting people in all my life. One person is the most exciting thing that has happened to me in very a long time. She sees and reacts differently to me then anyone has ever done before. We all have been through the "getting to know you" time when we meet someone new. This person completely blew me away by stating things about and to me that made it seem as if she already knew me... no it was more than that... it felt as if she instantly and completely understood me, like she knew my thoughts as if she could read my mind. I am having a hard time putting the exact feeling in to words as new feelings are always hard to understand and even harder to describe. Needless to say this person quickly became a part of my life. I am sure I will blog about this more as time passes and I understand it all better. Until then and for now, I am extremely happy that I have a chance to get to know the person that seems to already know me better then anyone I have met before and possibly even better then anyone I will ever meet again.
All this excitement has me more on edge then I normally am. I have tried to used this extra tension and resulting energy in a positive way. I have opened myself up to people and new ideas more then I normally do. I am trying to do more branching out. I have been working on this expanding of my horizons for some time. I have done fairly well in a slow progressive way. I hope for the possibility with this push of openness and growing that I might finally reach a personal goal of feeling truly free. I imagine just waking up one day to the world looking different, to a dawn of new possibilities, and to the end of my feelings of internal captivity. Sometimes I think it is just a dream to ever reach this goal. It is a dream I will strive to make come true!!!
Well that is more than an update of the status of life, but when I point myself down a path you can never tell exactly where my thoughts will go. Until the next path....
Andrew
My personal life has become more social then it has ever been before and I have met some of the most exciting people in all my life. One person is the most exciting thing that has happened to me in very a long time. She sees and reacts differently to me then anyone has ever done before. We all have been through the "getting to know you" time when we meet someone new. This person completely blew me away by stating things about and to me that made it seem as if she already knew me... no it was more than that... it felt as if she instantly and completely understood me, like she knew my thoughts as if she could read my mind. I am having a hard time putting the exact feeling in to words as new feelings are always hard to understand and even harder to describe. Needless to say this person quickly became a part of my life. I am sure I will blog about this more as time passes and I understand it all better. Until then and for now, I am extremely happy that I have a chance to get to know the person that seems to already know me better then anyone I have met before and possibly even better then anyone I will ever meet again.
All this excitement has me more on edge then I normally am. I have tried to used this extra tension and resulting energy in a positive way. I have opened myself up to people and new ideas more then I normally do. I am trying to do more branching out. I have been working on this expanding of my horizons for some time. I have done fairly well in a slow progressive way. I hope for the possibility with this push of openness and growing that I might finally reach a personal goal of feeling truly free. I imagine just waking up one day to the world looking different, to a dawn of new possibilities, and to the end of my feelings of internal captivity. Sometimes I think it is just a dream to ever reach this goal. It is a dream I will strive to make come true!!!
Well that is more than an update of the status of life, but when I point myself down a path you can never tell exactly where my thoughts will go. Until the next path....
Andrew
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