Summit

I have made it no secret that I have changed a lot in the last several years. Growing beyond what I had become in the 25 years prior. Experience and logical reasoning has been my teacher and base. I am again to a point in my life where my knowledge and understanding has shown me how much of myself and this world I still do not know and understand. I have reached the summit of one mountain only to find the next one reaching far out of view in the clouds. I have been in this position several times but this time is different. I find myself faced with two separate mountains in the clouds. The question now is what do I choose? Do have to choose? Can I choose both? I know that not taking another step leaves me where I stand atop a tiny foothill that once looked like the tallest mountain from the bottom. I know because of who I am I will continue up the next challenge no matter what direction I go.

It has taken me a lot of years to realize how lucky and blessed I have been. I have known from a very young age what my work career would be for the rest of my life. Because of this, human nature has taken me up the simple and easy path of focusing on that work. Diving in head long and ignoring nearly everything else in my life. There have been weekends where I hadn't left my computer chair for 48 hours straight. I didn't sleep and I didn't eat during this time. I also ignored the thoughts of what I wanted to do with my LIFE. Who I wanted to be. The idea of starting a family. All of this was easy to ignore and just push it off to thinking about it another day later on. That laziness has started to catch up with me. I am not a kid anymore and I need to start thinking not like a kid. A quote "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child. Now that I have become a man, I have put away childish things." Corinthians 13:11 - Also used in the movie 'Hackers' (I am a geek what would you expect). This calls in to question my adulthood and my level of responsibility. When I sit and look at my life away from work, I see why I am still standing on that little foothill, I see why I haven't reached the clouds. This realization is a blow to my moral. It is a pain that is hard to keep off my face. It is hard to keep it under my disguise and put on the mask I choose show the world. It it like I am dragging myself through this world without direction and without purpose. I keep looking for a reason to take that next step off one summit and start to make the trek up the next. Do I really need a reason?

Life, even as complicated as it has been to this point, looks very simple compared to the paths ahead. Looking back with greater understanding makes the mistakes and falls look like child's play. Maybe it has been so far. My understanding doesn't include to ability to label or describe such things and it is not yet my time or place to do so. My view of my past only strengthens my resolve to push forward, to become more than I am. To look ahead to the future and to get above the clouds ahead and see sunlight from a new perspective.

I have choices to make in my life. I can picture these mountains in my mind with tall shear rock faces. But they don't scare me like the previous mountain did. Like this is the path I was meant to be on and for some reason I feel like it doesn't matter what path I choose at this point. I feel like the two mountains I see are merely two parts of the same mountain and there is only one summit. Now it is time to start walking...


Andrew

Status of life

I feel I have been fairly quite on my blog recently, I think it is because of all that is happening that I haven't blogged about yet. So here is a status update from my world. There has been more and more happening in my personal life and less and less happening in my work life these days. It is a welcome change right now too. Work can be depressing when news isn't the best and a slow personal life adds to that depressing feeling. At the same time it is not the best thing for me financially as a busy personal life generally costs more then the simple boring life in front of a computer that I embrace so well!!

My personal life has become more social then it has ever been before and I have met some of the most exciting people in all my life. One person is the most exciting thing that has happened to me in very a long time. She sees and reacts differently to me then anyone has ever done before. We all have been through the "getting to know you" time when we meet someone new. This person completely blew me away by stating things about and to me that made it seem as if she already knew me... no it was more than that... it felt as if she instantly and completely understood me, like she knew my thoughts as if she could read my mind. I am having a hard time putting the exact feeling in to words as new feelings are always hard to understand and even harder to describe. Needless to say this person quickly became a part of my life. I am sure I will blog about this more as time passes and I understand it all better. Until then and for now, I am extremely happy that I have a chance to get to know the person that seems to already know me better then anyone I have met before and possibly even better then anyone I will ever meet again.

All this excitement has me more on edge then I normally am. I have tried to used this extra tension and resulting energy in a positive way. I have opened myself up to people and new ideas more then I normally do. I am trying to do more branching out. I have been working on this expanding of my horizons for some time. I have done fairly well in a slow progressive way. I hope for the possibility with this push of openness and growing that I might finally reach a personal goal of feeling truly free. I imagine just waking up one day to the world looking different, to a dawn of new possibilities, and to the end of my feelings of internal captivity. Sometimes I think it is just a dream to ever reach this goal. It is a dream I will strive to make come true!!!

Well that is more than an update of the status of life, but when I point myself down a path you can never tell exactly where my thoughts will go. Until the next path....


Andrew

Thoughts of night life...

What is the draw to these long nights out on the town? I have been there, was there for a while tonight. I understand hanging out with friends, drinking, and having fun. But, I can have the same fun somewhere less crowded, more quiet, and less expensive. I believe I spent 20 bucks on 2 drinks tonight. That to me is outrageous. Most of these places don't really draw people like myself, specially where I was tonight. (No offense to those I was with) I am too laid back to go places like that. The people there make me kinda nervous. I can't tell you exactly why but they do.

Even though I was on the dance floor for a short spell this evening too, what is with all the people that just don't dance good at all? They are the first ones out there and the last ones off. I am one of them and it takes someone pressuring me fairly hard to get me to dance. It isn't that I don't have rhythm I don't have any moves. Not even the funny ones. My mind doesn't work that fast or have the multitasking ability to keep up with the music, a partner, and my own creativity (not much of the creativity in me to start with). I do understand the draw of dancing. It is an action where you can express yourself in a physical way, draw attention to yourself, and wear yourself out all at the same time. On top of all of all of this... it is the closest thing to having public sex as you can get. At least as I see it.

I also understand because of the dancing there has to be loud music. I love loud music and don't mind it but when I am out with friends I like to talk with them, have an intelligent conversation and be able to hear them. For some groups I can understand this not being a big deal. Not speaking of the group tonight, but there are a lot of people not worth having conversations with. They can't hold a thoughts in there heads long enough to even conceive an original thought of their own. I crave these intelligent talks as they help me figure myself out and give me ideas. Being a thinker more than an action person I have to have this connections to keep me filled with new perspectives.

Please excuse any typos. I wasn't completely sober when writing this.

Andrew