Summit

I have made it no secret that I have changed a lot in the last several years. Growing beyond what I had become in the 25 years prior. Experience and logical reasoning has been my teacher and base. I am again to a point in my life where my knowledge and understanding has shown me how much of myself and this world I still do not know and understand. I have reached the summit of one mountain only to find the next one reaching far out of view in the clouds. I have been in this position several times but this time is different. I find myself faced with two separate mountains in the clouds. The question now is what do I choose? Do have to choose? Can I choose both? I know that not taking another step leaves me where I stand atop a tiny foothill that once looked like the tallest mountain from the bottom. I know because of who I am I will continue up the next challenge no matter what direction I go.

It has taken me a lot of years to realize how lucky and blessed I have been. I have known from a very young age what my work career would be for the rest of my life. Because of this, human nature has taken me up the simple and easy path of focusing on that work. Diving in head long and ignoring nearly everything else in my life. There have been weekends where I hadn't left my computer chair for 48 hours straight. I didn't sleep and I didn't eat during this time. I also ignored the thoughts of what I wanted to do with my LIFE. Who I wanted to be. The idea of starting a family. All of this was easy to ignore and just push it off to thinking about it another day later on. That laziness has started to catch up with me. I am not a kid anymore and I need to start thinking not like a kid. A quote "When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I felt as a child, I thought as a child. Now that I have become a man, I have put away childish things." Corinthians 13:11 - Also used in the movie 'Hackers' (I am a geek what would you expect). This calls in to question my adulthood and my level of responsibility. When I sit and look at my life away from work, I see why I am still standing on that little foothill, I see why I haven't reached the clouds. This realization is a blow to my moral. It is a pain that is hard to keep off my face. It is hard to keep it under my disguise and put on the mask I choose show the world. It it like I am dragging myself through this world without direction and without purpose. I keep looking for a reason to take that next step off one summit and start to make the trek up the next. Do I really need a reason?

Life, even as complicated as it has been to this point, looks very simple compared to the paths ahead. Looking back with greater understanding makes the mistakes and falls look like child's play. Maybe it has been so far. My understanding doesn't include to ability to label or describe such things and it is not yet my time or place to do so. My view of my past only strengthens my resolve to push forward, to become more than I am. To look ahead to the future and to get above the clouds ahead and see sunlight from a new perspective.

I have choices to make in my life. I can picture these mountains in my mind with tall shear rock faces. But they don't scare me like the previous mountain did. Like this is the path I was meant to be on and for some reason I feel like it doesn't matter what path I choose at this point. I feel like the two mountains I see are merely two parts of the same mountain and there is only one summit. Now it is time to start walking...


Andrew

Ideas

Life.... What an interesting idea. What is life all about? Is that the question we all are trying to answer as we move about this world? I think figuring out the question is the hardest part about life. The answer is the simple part.



Ok, with life we all have regrets. Sometimes we have a chance rectify some of our regrets. No we can't change past... but sometimes your past finds you in the present and allows you to do something differently then you would have then. Here is the real challenge... did you learn from your regrets so not to recreate them again!!!! This is how my life feels right now. I am honestly happy with myself right now. More so than i have been in a very very long time. You know I spent the last several years of my life thinking I was happy... now i am happier. I am happier, yet daily life isn't all that different, I don't have millions of dollars, i am still not a rock star, no movie deals, can't even get a raise at work. I know what it takes to be happy now and all of that is just stuff and doesn't create happiness. I can't share with you what I found that makes me happy. It is something personal and each of us has to find it for themselves.



So life seems to give us the courage we need when we really need it. We each need courage to get through the tough times. But, some of us need courage in everyday life. I have never been one with very much courage. I can't do many of the things that make me happy because of this and it has always held me back. I am getting over this human weakness and replacing it with confidence. This confidence has changed me.



I am fighting for what I want in life not just settling for what life gives me. I am going to become that outgoing person that i have always wanted to be yet never could bring myself to do. I am changing in to a real person through my own eyes. Others have said they don't understand what is going on with me. That is because everyone on the outside only understands what you show them. We each hide a piece of ourselves from our friends and family. Sometimes we get luck and find a person that we can truly open up too and if we are really lucky we find several of these. These are true friends. We find out more about ourselves by sharing then by keeping everything inside and milling it over forever. I learned this way to late in my life. I don't think it can be taught, some people are handed a gift and learn as this as they grow up. Others like me figure this out later when life decides to change in ways we didn't expect. This change causes thinking and this thinking leads to learning.



I am lucky; I am very intelligent and can think through ideas like this using logic. However, I am very unlucky because I have a hard time looking at these ideas in an emotional way. Here is examples... imagine looking at this picture....



..;===+.
.:=iiiiii=+=
.=i))=;::+)i=+,
,=i);)I)))I):=i=;
.=i==))))ii)))I:i++
+)+))iiiiiiii))I=i+:'
.,:;;++++++;:,. )iii+:::;iii))+i='
.:;++=iiiiiiiiii=++;. =::,,,:::=i));=+'
,;+==ii)))))))))))ii==+;, ,,,:=i))+=:
,;+=ii))))))IIIIII))))ii===;. ,,:=i)=i+
;+=ii)))IIIIITIIIIII))))iiii=+, ,:=));=,
,+=i))IIIIIITTTTTITIIIIII)))I)i=+,,:+i)=i+
,+i))IIIIIITTTTTTTTTTTTI))IIII))i=::i))i='
,=i))IIIIITLLTTTTTTTTTTIITTTTIII)+;+i)+i..
=i))IIITTLTLTTTTTTTTTIITTLLTTTII+:i)ii:'
+i))IITTTLLLTTTTTTTTTTTTLLLTTTT+:i)))=,
=))ITTTTTTTTTTTLTTTTTTLLLLLLTi:=)IIiii;
.i)IIITTTTTTTTLTTTITLLLLLLLT);=)I)))))i;
:))IIITTTTTLTTTTTTLLHLLLLL);=)II)IIIIi=:
:i)IIITTTTTTTTTLLLHLLHLL)+=)II)ITTTI)i=
.i)IIITTTTITTLLLHHLLLL);=)II)ITTTTII)i+
=i)IIIIIITTLLLLLLHLL=:i)II)TTTTTTIII)i'
+i)i)))IITTLLLLLLLLT=:i)II)TTTTLTTIII)i;
+ii)i:)IITTLLTLLLLT=;+i)I)ITTTTLTTTII))i;
=;)i=:,=)ITTTTLTTI=:i))I)TTTLLLTTTTTII)i;
+i)ii::, +)IIITI+:+i)I))TTTTLLTTTTTII))=,
:=;)i=:,, ,i++::i))I)ITTTTTTTTTTIIII)=+'
.+ii)i=::,, ,,::=i)))iIITTTTTTTTIIIII)=+
,==)ii=;:,,,,:::=ii)i)iIIIITIIITIIII))i+:'
+=:))i==;:::;=iii)+)= ..:i)))IIIII)ii+'
.+=:))iiiiiiii)))+ii;
.+=;))iiiiii)));ii+
.+=i:)))))))=+ii+
.;==i+::::=)i=;
,+==iiiiii+,
..+=+++;..



and not seeing anything other than the symbols and letters that make it up, no image, no planet. I feel I miss the image most of the time.



Ok... I have to stop now... I am posting ASCII art.... there has to be something wrong with me... LOL...



Good night everyone. Sleep well.



Andrew