Finishing last

When there is someone in your life make sure they are part of every thought and or decision you make. Think about what you do before you act. Make sure what you do doesn't effect them negativly. Do the little things right: like not waking them up in the morning because you have to go to work early, Be quiet and don't turn on the lights when they are sleeping. Work hard to provide what you can. Discuss things and make sure they agree before spending lots of money.

I used to think getting the little thing right was most of what it took to show 'love' for someone. But when they don't even notice what you do for them it really beggs the question if any of it even means anything. Don't get me wrong I think they are still important. Mainly because they are all things I would want someone to do for me. It is more about respecting the person you are with then the big idea of 'love'. I say this because I would treat everyone with that same respect, if I loved them or not, it is just who I am. Now I have a problem! If most of what I do to show someone I care I would do for anyone out of pure respect then there is little left for me to do to show them more. It leaves me walking a fine line from being an asshole or a caring person.

So for the last several years I have struggled with this situation. I haven't found the answer yet but I do know few things that don't work now. I always assumed when I was younger that when you "fell in love" it would just feel different and certain things would just make sense all of a sudden. That isn't how it works... there is the whole love at first sight thing that I still don't quite buy, but I am not ruling it out as possible yet either.

Maybe I just walked into a cause of why nice guys finish last. Because we are nice to everyone no one person ever sees how much we really do care. Maybe we have to figure out how not to be nice just to be noticed.

Andrew

Defeat

I once wrote that in order to be ok with someone else in you life you have to be ok with yourself first. To be happy with one's self allows you to be happy with others. I believe this is still kinda true and for a time I was really close to being happy with myself. But as I really thought about it, it wasn't happiness as much as being content with who I was striving to be. The personal outlined view I painted of myself. I was on a track to being right with me. I decided then that being happy wasn't the goal. It was a side effect. I havent been truly happy in a very long time. It has been so long that I have forgotten what it means to feel like that. I feel like I am cracking.

I know in my mind I feel like I do because I have nothing else to do but put time in to think about everything I have lived through. The good, happy times are harder to think about then the bad times because I miss them dearly. I know a lot of those days were happy because I was ignorant to the truth and what cruel things people do to each other. Ignorance is sometimes bliss and there is no going back after Pandora's box is opened. We have to deal with the realities that now invade our nightmares. When I was young, I was scared to death of the movie ET. I never believed that anything would scare me more. I was very wrong.

I find that my "sheltered" life has left me as naive as they come. I have been blind sided with emotional and anxiety issues. Now I am more timid than I have ever been in my life. I refuse to take chances even if I know and convinced myself I need to do it. I scare myself out of doing some of the most simple social things most people take for granted. My comfort zone has gotten so small that I fear there is no room for anyone else.

I discovered through everything that I would never really be happy alone. That being just me doesn't make me complete. That without someone with me there will always be a hole that will never be filled. I may be wrong about this, like I have been many times. If I am then my past has taken more from me then I realized and filling the gap will be a lifelong struggle. If I am right then to be complete I will be in for the harder more urgent struggle. Trusting someone enough to allow them to see and touch my heart. To allow out all the emotions I know are locked away inside. To allow joy to be part of my life again without flinching away. To maybe feel some of the scars heal.

Right now I feel I am cracking, like my struggle will end before it begins. But I don't want to admit defeat.

Andrew

Another attempt

I have attempted several times over the last few weeks to start writing a blog, complete it, and post it. I have been unsuccessful as you have noticed. I have just undergone a major change in my life that was forced upon me without warning. It is taking me time to adjust. to figure out who I am again. I do not have the best track record of making quick and orderly returns to stability. I have found myself living a life I don't want. Dreaming of a life that I do want and of a person that I no longer know.

It has taken this last sudden jolt to make me really come to grips with the reality that I am a dreamer. I have spent too many years dreaming of a great life that I forgot to live the one I am in. That is at least how I feel right now. I feel like I am no older then I was when I was 13. That is when I was exposed to things in this world I didn't understand for many years. I made myself believe I understood what was happening and buried everything I didn't. It wasn't until many years later that I realized I didn't understand any of it. I was a pawn. I was used as a spy to collect data about things well beyond my years. I see now it was then that I diverted from the path of reality and it has completely changed the direction of my life. I am still trying to find myself in the confusion that has resulted.

Andrew

Thinking

It always gets me in trouble. I have had too much time on my hands and I have ended up doing to much thinking and not enough blogging. The worst problem is I can't blog about what I have been thinking. I have tried but there seems to be something holding me back.

So in the constant boring time I have I am putting more effort to research schooling choices and possible non skilled jobs to help with the cost of schooling. A good evening/third shift job would be good for now. Then branch out when I get a better grasp on some new skills I will be in school for. I will be gaining confidance in some areas where my experience hasn't given me the best knowledge of details.

I wish there was something I should do at this point, but it seems that time has been my worst enemy. I have never been good at waiting for things to happen. I am a tech geek... almost everything I do has an instant effect. People around where I live now don't seem to understand that idea. I can't blame them for not knowing about things they have only seen in movies. It is amazing to see for some of us... but there are areas of the US that have no High Speed internet access available to them. I live in one of those areas!

Andrew

Time

Free time. Many of us wish we had more of it. It allows us to do the fun things in life outside what is required or demanded. It us to relax from the day to day struggles that keep us stressed and tired. For me free time is different. It gives me time to think, to dream, and to remember. None of these are good things for me.

I am not the person that needs more time to think. I already over think everthing. By now everything in my life has been went over at least several dozen times. Each time with new ideas making minor changes to the situations and deciding what would happen 'if' this or that. It is like working through your own life as if it were a chess board. Trying to see every possible move 10 steps ahead. I am alreadying planning what I should be doing through the first week of May 'if' everything works out next week as planed. I am driving myself insain.

the excisive thinking causes a lot of problems in the dreaming area. It is fine to have dreams. Dreams of reaching goals or dreams of someing nearly unatainable. To dream of worlds and ideas it what makes us creative and inovative. But when you have too much time like me and you over think everything like me, you end up doing what I do. I take my dreams and mix them in to my chess board. You can imagine what that combnation can result in. I find myself feeling being lost in a chess board filled less and less with reality.

Then I start to rememebr what it was like to have a porpose in the real world. A reason why I got out of bed. I start to think back further to the times when I was happy, to the times I was in love, the times I was sad, and the times I was in pain. The good times and the bad times all make me feel sad now. the good times because I miss them, and the bad times because they gave me reasons to be better. I can't describe now as a bad time or a good time. It is just open, free time. Too much to do with no way of doing anything. I can't describe the almost empty feeling this leaves me with.

Time is a river flowing through life... right now I am addrift but there doesn't seem to be any currents.

Andrew

(Posting this one without proofing it... sorry ;) )

TRY!!!!

Trying to blog... can't seem to get anything to come out of my head that makes any sense. I makes me feel like I am a damn about to break when I have stuff all being held up by my inability to put it in to words! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!

OK... going to stop now. If I don't, I will end up writing something that will end making me feel worse then not writing at all.

Good night!

Andrew

?

Why do I do this to myself? I have been dreaming too much again. I have been seeing something and believing something isn't really there. Just when I thought I might have myself under control, I go and get myself all worked up over things that may not even come true and then I apologize for myself. I don't understand me! How the fuck am I going to make something of myself in this state. I am a bumbling fool. So I guess I need to forget myself for now... be something I am not because that seems to work, at least for the short term.

I don't believe I can really think in the short term. Everything I think about is in the long term logical fashion I know. I never think about things being short term. I always see things as being around forever. Maybe that is why I can't let go of many of the relationships I have had in the past. I never was able to see there end even with there ending. I believe almost 100% that I will never be not alone. Even if I find someone that understands how and why and loves the way I see and think about things. I don't believe there is anyone that sees the world as I do. I have an interesting perspective that seems to have a direction of its own. Looking at the world as if it is only the landscape in which we exist and nothing else. It doesn't have power to change what is happening. It is only the location where we have to do the business of life. Even today with all the rain and other BS... I continued to do what I would have done if it was clear skies or snowing.

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.... I am frustrated and done!!!

Andrew