Birthday Wish

I am writing this a few short minutes before my 29th birthday. I have found over the last few years I seem to take the days before my birthday and think over my life. What has happened over the last 365 days, and where the next 365 will take me. As I look back I always seem to think of the struggles of life. But today I thought of the good things. The milestones that marked my growing in to who I am. I honestly didn't think it was possible to have gotten to some of the heights I was. But I did it and even though I am not there now... I know I will be again.

From my childhood three events stand out as defining moments.
My bike wreak in to the pine trees when I was first learning how to ride. I remember being scared that the tree was getting close, to scared to turn. That was the first of some really horrifying wreaks. Several I still have scars from.
There was a time I rode my bike nearly 10 miles to go see someone and didn't stop. I just rode by and back home. Again scared for a completely different reason. I always think of that moment as one that defined me. I have never really broken from that scared nature that I had at that time. But it was one of the first truly bold, out-of-box moves I ever made and the rest of my life I have built on that to where I am today.
The last event was the time of my first rebellious act of independence. I wasn't as old as you think, but I worked very hard that day to disobey and to not do what I expected to do. I had logical reasons at the time for my actions. Because of that day they are still some of the same reasons I have today for my actions. That day taught me something bigger then the events that happened. It taught me that no matter right from wrong, most people will try to force their will on you. They will try and mold you in to what they think you should be. I think that was the event that pushed me to make sure I was like no one else.

In my high school years things were not all that interesting. I was in social shock most of the 4 years. Coming from a BFE area rural family, going to a very small catholic school, and basically not really having anyone other than my family to be friends with would do that to anyone I would think. Even after 4 years I never really got the hang of the social world.
My first real girlfriend. Not anyone I would be interested in today. But young men don't think with their heads on their shoulders. I was no different. It taught me a lot, but at the same time it hurt me. It skewed my views enough to cause pain later in my life. It also helped me build a different version of myself after I realized the truth of it all. It was worth the pain.

In my early adult life I made great strides in life and tripped more then I hopped.
I was married before I even realized what that really meant. I missed a lot because of my devotion to that idea of marriage, I gained a lot too. It allowed me to get away from the place I grew up. Got me further in to the world than I wanted to think about and now can't stop thinking about. It took me to a place that I enjoyed and want in my life again. It created more hurt and pain then I had experienced before and to this day clouds my past. Thinking back I very rarely don't think about that dark time. It is what drives me forward.
After the marriage my life became... interesting... for a while. I wasn't thinking, I was just doing. It was the college life I never had, kinda. I was old enough to make sure I was responsible but I was able to release and not care. To walk away from the things before and forget what I had to deal with in the real world. I found people during that time that changed me... taught me that the values I have are mine and are important to me. Before that time in my life I hadn't defined myself and what I believed. I was a roamer. Doing what ever I thought was right at the time. I started piecing myself together after that. Most of it can be read in this blog. From my first post on my MySpace blog, to the move to wordpress.com hosted blog, to the full move to my own domain. It is a journey of myself in words. I have learn more from my own words in this blog then I could have ever learned just roaming around looking for answers. I don't answer questions on here... I explore them, just like the ideas before my birthday. I have put in to words small times I remember. In doing so I unlocked more details and endless ideas from those small events. That is the reason for my typed ramblings.

I don't know what the next 365 will hold but I will make it better then the prior 365. My only wish is for all good things for all the good people I have known, will know, loved, and will love.


Andrew

the truth

I was up really late one night. I for some reason decided to listen to some music. A few songs played that I really like. They are the types of songs that make you really feel the intent of the words in your heart. Songs with feeling and meaning. I have heard them dozens of times. This time was different. This time it sparked an idea of truth that I have always tried to uncover and seemed only skirt in all of my endless ramblings and thoughts. The truth was revealed when I put the ideas in the songs together and applied them to my life. Not as it is now but the entire history.

By looking at how my life became what it is today from the simple points of view there is a pattern that shows itself. This simple truth should have been easier to spot and understand before now. And to a point I have. But for some reason I was missing a layer of understanding. I find that is how a lot of things are in my life. I know all of this and all of that but I am missing one simple common thing that makes 2 and 2 come together. Today I understand myself a little more. The first step is recognizing you have a problem in the 12 step programs. I guess figuring out your self can follow the same logic. You have to see the trees, the brush, and weeds before the forest makes any since. It is baby steps.

The truth is... well it doesn't really matter what this truth is. Learning to understand what it is and the reason it effects me so much does.

I have been writing in this blog for a few years now. Every time I do I seem to understand myself more. I grow by trying ideas and exploring thoughts. I once thought i was trying to changing myself. I have realized that I don't need to change... I need to understand. I don't know myself as well as I had thought I did. Life has raised questions that have been getting harder and harder to answer. The more I dig the more I have fallen back on my old ways of thinking. That life will work out. Things will fall in to place. I know that isn't true. I made things happen before and I can do that again. I need to keep that faith that my hard work will pay off and it will cause good things to come for both myself personally, professionally, and that leads to being able to be there for everyone else.

I have set a goal for myself. It is a very long term goal but I know I can get there. Now I start the planning and doing to reach that goal. First step... setting some milestones.


Andrew

Disapointments

I know we all live with it from time to time. Some of us on a daily basis. Over the last few months my frustrations over the disappointments in my life, work, and just generally about the world have been growing more and more hostile. I find myself not allowing them to roll off me like I have taught myself to do in the past. Things just aren't the same here. I feel like I live in a unforgiving and hostile environment. The weather is always out to try and kill you. If it isn't constant rain, it is ice, snow, or fog. I don't think I have seen the actual sun in weeks. The people here don't make it any easier. The few that are actually good at what they do or are good people usually get a superiority complex and end up being complete assholes. The bar for being good at ones job is far lower here as well. I know why nearly everyone with a truly successful future leaves this place. Everyday I am reminded of why I left the first time and it just makes me more sad everyday that I was forced to move back here.

I guess I am just sick of being back at the bottom of the world again. I was in a good place not so long ago. I had potential... now it just feels like I am on a dead end road with no brakes. I don't know what is at the end but it isn't looking good. I miss the good times. I am working hard to bring them back.

Fears

I haven't blogged in a while. I can tell... Blogging is my therapy, my release. Without it, I don't feel like myself. I start to loose focus on life. Not that this year had been all that good for it anyway but I think I should at least try and keep my head above water during these 'hard times' for lack of a better short description. These last few months I have slowly lost my drive, my desires, my will to keep battling on. It was always easier to deal with setbacks when there were people around that kept your spirits high by just being there. The friends that were there meant more to me than I gave them credit. Sorry my friends, I sold you short, I left without saying proper goodbyes, and I left when I shouldn't have. I am loosing myself here. I haven't really recovered from what happened in January. I couldn't have cared less about the job I lost... but the life I had built over the last several years just ended and I am afraid of never getting it back. That I have to start all over makes me not want to. make me want to just give up and settle for what I can barely scrounge up.

I have started some projects to keep me busy. To keep me from doing nothing and away from the endless thoughts of the 'bad stuff'. The projects are nice, I have learned alot. I have done a lot of new things that are way out there from my normal playing around with stuff. I might actually find something I like doing more... I am not holding my breath. It has also kept me from doing stuff I should be doing. Time has been flying by. Two and even three weeks have gone by without me even once thinking about paying my bills or taking care of some of my legal paperwork I still need to complete. I still haven't changed my address on my license and I have been here since July! I don't speed money anymore because just buying food for myself at the store usually drains the last few dollars I have each week. Living here is more expensive overall then living in Phoenix Metro. If I wouldn't have found this super cheap apartment (not a great apartment in any way) I would have to find a way each week to pinch pennies just to get the things I need. I am over reacting there a little bit. I can save money on some things if I really had to. Like my cell phone bill and internet connection. Both of those are really high compared to what most others use... but I am not most people. Saving 10 dollars a month but than having to stress about going over minutes isn't really a savings to me. Not even having to think about it is worth the 10 dollars ... as long as I have it to spend.

I guess what it really boils down to is, I don't feel like I am home here. I feel like I am working at a job site and on Friday I will be getting back on the plane and heading home after getting the job done. But, every day feels like it is still only Monday and the job doesn't seem to get any closer to being complete.

Andrew

It is time again

It has been a year... I can't believe it has been that long since I started packing my life in to boxes in my apartment in Tempe, Arizona. I started that job to move across town but ended up moving across the country. I am far far away from where I expected to be one year later.

I think back on it as one of the most sad days in my life... the day I decided to leave Arizona, but, at the time it was a great bitterly happy day. I thought I was moving on with my life. Moving on to other things and leaving some of the hurts and sorrows behind. Most of I created for myself and added to with personal conflicts and intellectualization. My standard defenses against my own failures and shortcomings. Nothing new... I have learned new words to describe myself in recent months.

I started thinking about this because it is now time to start planing for the famous family Turtle Soup day. It is always the Sunday after Thanksgiving and we rent out a fairly large facility to house the number of family and friends that show up. It is still a small number compared to what it used to be in my memories of when Grandpa was still alive. When the glue isn't there any more... things start to fall apart. I don't blame anyone for that... I didn't make it back for turtle soup for nearly 8 years. Now there isn't anything in this world that could stop me from being there. There is nothing like taking an entire morning and working at making something so good as a pot of soup. I love just standing there stirring the kettles to keep warm or running the grinder. Freezing to death just to get the last of the stuff through the grinder before drying off your hands and warming them near the soup. Making soup is something I need to do to feel alive. It is something that makes me who I am. A tie to my past that will never be forgotten. It makes me feel like a kid again.


So this November I will make soup and remember Grandpa again through the tradition he passed on to us. Maybe someday I will have the opportunity to pass it on myself.

Andrew

The Dreams...

I just woke up from a dream... the kinda of dream that is about the real world and the possibilities of it being true scares you beyond realm of sleep within seconds. Gets your mind moving so fast that there is no way you are going back to sleep any time soon. I have been lucky that none of the dreams I have had turn out to be true as of yet.

Most of the time the dreams like this push me in different directions and cover several things at the same time. I seem to always wake up with peoples names as my first thoughts then comes the situations that brought on the remembering of those names.

These dreams end op making me happy. The subject matters covered in these dreams and resulting reaction to them proves to me that I am exactly who I want to be. My reactions are from my heart and the feelings they invoke make me confident in myself as a human again.



Andrew

the shadow

A few days ago I had a shadow. Someone asked me if I would allow their kid shadow me for a day. He was a young college kid that doesn't know what the hell he wants to do. I think there are several things this kid was missing. The number one thing is drive... he needs something, an idea to shoot for. Something that will actually make him want to reach for something. It is one of the most awesome feelings in the world to have hand a light to someone and see them grasp it. I don't know if the kid will run with it or not... but the seed was planted. He has potential, as most of us do. We all need to work to turn it in to something great.

The older I have gotten and the more I have seen of the world the more and more I know I am lucky. Really really really lucky... I have a natural drive for what I do. I didn't have to work to find it. It found me when I was young and I grasped it. At the same time, this has made a lot of other things in my life very very hard. Things others experimented with and spent time on I never did. I struggle with life because of that reason. I don't know what I am doing with the day to day of living. Life is a complex painting to me but I see the computer world like it was simple photograph. I have looked at the brush strokes in a paintings and they have always made me wonder how the hell can that be possible to create. It looks random and uneven. A photograph is simple to me on the other hand... something existed and it was captured for all time in a still frame. It makes complete sense how it was made. I can see the pixels and they are perfectly uniform in size and shape and distance apart.

This shadow has made me really think about what in my life has pushed me one way or another. There are a lot of good people from my life that have shaped me. My parents are great people and raised me with a solid base of moral attributes by there simple and solid behavior. They didn't need to teach me anything about it. I learned from what I saw. I have never really had to question what was right or wrong, it is generally just clear to me. That doesn't mean I have stuck within those bounties all my life. I still walk outside them from time to time to breath a little. It isn't easy being 'good' all the time and I am not in my definition, 'good' most of the time. Being good has also become blurred as I have gotten older. It just isn't the same as being a kid looking at the future.

There is one thing I never really remember doing as a kid... thinking about the future. I always seemed to look at today and tomorrow, but never next week. I always felt living to far in the future was a waste of today. You have to always be able to change to meet what is coming. I live with the idea that next week is going to be 'THIS WAY' and it ends up 'ThAT WaY' then you area lost for that entire week. We need to use our instincts an common sense more often then we do. Sometimes there are things that happen we will never expect and we can't be rigid when they do or we will break. I have been there, broken and destroyed. Most of the time we survive... but what walks away isn't the same person as we were before. I am still really trying to find who I am after. It is sad but it wasn't until after I broke that I realized I didn't even know who I was. I guess being broken has a way of changing your perspective of your life before being broken. I can't even imagine doing what I was doing before. It was what I was 'supposed' to do. I guess that made me the ridged enough to be able to break when things changed.

Now I literally live day to day. I have almost no outlook of what is coming. I am trying hard to figure something out because I feel lost as is and it is a lot harder to stay sane. But at the same time I know making choices that lock you in to a ridged idea make life even harder. I have made some of those lock me in type of decisions this year out of desperation for something solid. I did it out of the idea that they aren't forever if they are wrong. I know if I am to ever make a real life long choice again... it will take a lot of soul searching to make sure it is right for me.

Everyone needs a push in a direction from time to time but we also need to make sure the direction is right and that the push isn't down a mountain.

Andrew