There are a lot of days that I am down on myself. I don't like the person I am. It isn't every day but most of the time it seems to be the days that count for something. Those days that seem to require me to think about the future or make changes. Today was one of those days. It was a day when I realized I need to step up and be more than just the smart intelegent person that I am. I need to become part of something bigger then just the world I have seen and expand myself.
Days like today are scary. Once I see the need to grow, I feel I am compelled to do it or be deemed 'failure'. It reminds me of the day I attempted to climb Camelback mountain. I didn't even make it half way up. I was a lot more out of shape now compared to now, well maybe, but the idea of failing don't feel very good then. I am sure it would feel worse now. The problem now isn't that I can't do it like on the mountain. It is the fact it is going to take a lot of hard work and a huge amount of learning on my part to do the work correctly. I fear it may take me too long to get everything down and I will have to wing it for a while. I don't like doing that. I like knowing what I am doing and if I don't I like figuring it out at my pace. It makes me afraid that I may not be quick enough for what is needed.
When I start feeling like this I want to kick myself. I know doing that only makes it worse. So I am blogging instead. My blog therapy like I have been known to call it. It takes time and brainpower to type up a blog. It is the brainpower needed to get down on myself even more. I am able to think though all my ideas and feelings. Put everything in to words that I am thinking. To lift the burden of weight off my shoulders. I don't think it would work the same if I knew I wasn't publishing it to everyone on the planet. There is something to say about one way anonymous sharing. I don't know who reads it just the that there are always hits on my site after a post. Sometimes when I write I think of someone specific reading the blog. I write as if I was them reading it. It is never the same person and I don't even know if they read it or not, that isn't the point. I don't think It changes the outcome of why I blog but it does help me think about the ideas I am writing about from other points of view. I try to see it from someone else's eyes.
Reading what I just wrote makes me sound like I am writing to please other people with my writing or be 'like' someone else. It isn't like that. It is just not easy for me to describe what I do when I am typing. At one time I needed inspiration to blog. I am finding that with the more I blog and the more blogs I find myself reading, I am challenging myself more to describe the 'hard stuff'. I am treating it more like I do everything else in my life, it is something to overcome and become the best at. I will never be great but I might just be good someday.
Until all the challenges are met in my life. Blog therapy is here to stay.
Andrew
Monday, June 13, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Chapter ...
Every time I turn around there is something starting anew in my life. It doesn't always seem to come when or how you expect it. I thought moving away from Arizona would be my fresh start. A way to stop seeing the reminders of the 'good-ole-days' and the bad ones too. That didn't work out the way it was supposed to and I ended up back home sleeping in the same bedroom I when I was young. When I first found out about my misfortune I considered going back to Arizona right away. But I was already too defeated to face the life I left again so quickly.
Living here in my hometown now that I have grown up and seen some of the world a little has been an eye opening adventure. The people I left behind here have changed, or at least I see them more clearly for who they are. There is one thing that hasn't changed one bit, my memories of growing up here. I have spent a lot of time thinking about those memories over the last 5 months. Thinking back over all the stupid mistakes and childish bull shit I used to cause and all the fun, pain, laughter, sadness, and joy. It is surprising when you think about everything you lived through that it all combined together created who you are. I think I have taken too much credit in the last several years for the role I truly played in my personal mission to become a better me. I think everything was already there just hidden by all the BS I and the world built around it. Every day I spend here shows me something I missed or misunderstood as the child that left here. I think I know now a little of what it means to grow up. I still hold dear to a few child-like parts of myself. Without them I wouldn't be me.
These last few months have felt like a word from the author stuck between chapters. I have weathered this douldrum fairly well. At first I threw myself into this big idea to survive and try and forget what was happening. It was and is a great idea but dumping everything I was in to it almost smothered it. The idea is still with me but I am not devoting everything to it anymore. I am letting it build upon itself. Maybe I can devote more time to it in the future but for now it is just an idea that I can't make become reality overnight.
I hope that this new start is actually the new chapter I was looking for. It isn't where or when or how I planed it but none of us can know the time or place.
Andrew
The Next Chapter is coming...
Living here in my hometown now that I have grown up and seen some of the world a little has been an eye opening adventure. The people I left behind here have changed, or at least I see them more clearly for who they are. There is one thing that hasn't changed one bit, my memories of growing up here. I have spent a lot of time thinking about those memories over the last 5 months. Thinking back over all the stupid mistakes and childish bull shit I used to cause and all the fun, pain, laughter, sadness, and joy. It is surprising when you think about everything you lived through that it all combined together created who you are. I think I have taken too much credit in the last several years for the role I truly played in my personal mission to become a better me. I think everything was already there just hidden by all the BS I and the world built around it. Every day I spend here shows me something I missed or misunderstood as the child that left here. I think I know now a little of what it means to grow up. I still hold dear to a few child-like parts of myself. Without them I wouldn't be me.
These last few months have felt like a word from the author stuck between chapters. I have weathered this douldrum fairly well. At first I threw myself into this big idea to survive and try and forget what was happening. It was and is a great idea but dumping everything I was in to it almost smothered it. The idea is still with me but I am not devoting everything to it anymore. I am letting it build upon itself. Maybe I can devote more time to it in the future but for now it is just an idea that I can't make become reality overnight.
I hope that this new start is actually the new chapter I was looking for. It isn't where or when or how I planed it but none of us can know the time or place.
Andrew
The Next Chapter is coming...
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Another pause in posting
This time technology is to blame. With the upgrade of my Motorola Droid to a Droid X2 the Wordpress app is crashing. With that being my main access to the internet, the lull in posts will continue until it is repaired by the dev staff. :(
On the bright side, not having the ability to post may have saved me from posting things I shouldn't have.
Until the update... don't do anything I wouldn't. lol
Andrew
On the bright side, not having the ability to post may have saved me from posting things I shouldn't have.
Until the update... don't do anything I wouldn't. lol
Andrew
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Finishing last
When there is someone in your life make sure they are part of every thought and or decision you make. Think about what you do before you act. Make sure what you do doesn't effect them negativly. Do the little things right: like not waking them up in the morning because you have to go to work early, Be quiet and don't turn on the lights when they are sleeping. Work hard to provide what you can. Discuss things and make sure they agree before spending lots of money.
I used to think getting the little thing right was most of what it took to show 'love' for someone. But when they don't even notice what you do for them it really beggs the question if any of it even means anything. Don't get me wrong I think they are still important. Mainly because they are all things I would want someone to do for me. It is more about respecting the person you are with then the big idea of 'love'. I say this because I would treat everyone with that same respect, if I loved them or not, it is just who I am. Now I have a problem! If most of what I do to show someone I care I would do for anyone out of pure respect then there is little left for me to do to show them more. It leaves me walking a fine line from being an asshole or a caring person.
So for the last several years I have struggled with this situation. I haven't found the answer yet but I do know few things that don't work now. I always assumed when I was younger that when you "fell in love" it would just feel different and certain things would just make sense all of a sudden. That isn't how it works... there is the whole love at first sight thing that I still don't quite buy, but I am not ruling it out as possible yet either.
Maybe I just walked into a cause of why nice guys finish last. Because we are nice to everyone no one person ever sees how much we really do care. Maybe we have to figure out how not to be nice just to be noticed.
Andrew
Monday, May 16, 2011
Defeat
I once wrote that in order to be ok with someone else in you life you have to be ok with yourself first. To be happy with one's self allows you to be happy with others. I believe this is still kinda true and for a time I was really close to being happy with myself. But as I really thought about it, it wasn't happiness as much as being content with who I was striving to be. The personal outlined view I painted of myself. I was on a track to being right with me. I decided then that being happy wasn't the goal. It was a side effect. I havent been truly happy in a very long time. It has been so long that I have forgotten what it means to feel like that. I feel like I am cracking.
I know in my mind I feel like I do because I have nothing else to do but put time in to think about everything I have lived through. The good, happy times are harder to think about then the bad times because I miss them dearly. I know a lot of those days were happy because I was ignorant to the truth and what cruel things people do to each other. Ignorance is sometimes bliss and there is no going back after Pandora's box is opened. We have to deal with the realities that now invade our nightmares. When I was young, I was scared to death of the movie ET. I never believed that anything would scare me more. I was very wrong.
I find that my "sheltered" life has left me as naive as they come. I have been blind sided with emotional and anxiety issues. Now I am more timid than I have ever been in my life. I refuse to take chances even if I know and convinced myself I need to do it. I scare myself out of doing some of the most simple social things most people take for granted. My comfort zone has gotten so small that I fear there is no room for anyone else.
I discovered through everything that I would never really be happy alone. That being just me doesn't make me complete. That without someone with me there will always be a hole that will never be filled. I may be wrong about this, like I have been many times. If I am then my past has taken more from me then I realized and filling the gap will be a lifelong struggle. If I am right then to be complete I will be in for the harder more urgent struggle. Trusting someone enough to allow them to see and touch my heart. To allow out all the emotions I know are locked away inside. To allow joy to be part of my life again without flinching away. To maybe feel some of the scars heal.
Right now I feel I am cracking, like my struggle will end before it begins. But I don't want to admit defeat.
Andrew
I know in my mind I feel like I do because I have nothing else to do but put time in to think about everything I have lived through. The good, happy times are harder to think about then the bad times because I miss them dearly. I know a lot of those days were happy because I was ignorant to the truth and what cruel things people do to each other. Ignorance is sometimes bliss and there is no going back after Pandora's box is opened. We have to deal with the realities that now invade our nightmares. When I was young, I was scared to death of the movie ET. I never believed that anything would scare me more. I was very wrong.
I find that my "sheltered" life has left me as naive as they come. I have been blind sided with emotional and anxiety issues. Now I am more timid than I have ever been in my life. I refuse to take chances even if I know and convinced myself I need to do it. I scare myself out of doing some of the most simple social things most people take for granted. My comfort zone has gotten so small that I fear there is no room for anyone else.
I discovered through everything that I would never really be happy alone. That being just me doesn't make me complete. That without someone with me there will always be a hole that will never be filled. I may be wrong about this, like I have been many times. If I am then my past has taken more from me then I realized and filling the gap will be a lifelong struggle. If I am right then to be complete I will be in for the harder more urgent struggle. Trusting someone enough to allow them to see and touch my heart. To allow out all the emotions I know are locked away inside. To allow joy to be part of my life again without flinching away. To maybe feel some of the scars heal.
Right now I feel I am cracking, like my struggle will end before it begins. But I don't want to admit defeat.
Andrew
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Another attempt
I have attempted several times over the last few weeks to start writing a blog, complete it, and post it. I have been unsuccessful as you have noticed. I have just undergone a major change in my life that was forced upon me without warning. It is taking me time to adjust. to figure out who I am again. I do not have the best track record of making quick and orderly returns to stability. I have found myself living a life I don't want. Dreaming of a life that I do want and of a person that I no longer know.
It has taken this last sudden jolt to make me really come to grips with the reality that I am a dreamer. I have spent too many years dreaming of a great life that I forgot to live the one I am in. That is at least how I feel right now. I feel like I am no older then I was when I was 13. That is when I was exposed to things in this world I didn't understand for many years. I made myself believe I understood what was happening and buried everything I didn't. It wasn't until many years later that I realized I didn't understand any of it. I was a pawn. I was used as a spy to collect data about things well beyond my years. I see now it was then that I diverted from the path of reality and it has completely changed the direction of my life. I am still trying to find myself in the confusion that has resulted.
Andrew
It has taken this last sudden jolt to make me really come to grips with the reality that I am a dreamer. I have spent too many years dreaming of a great life that I forgot to live the one I am in. That is at least how I feel right now. I feel like I am no older then I was when I was 13. That is when I was exposed to things in this world I didn't understand for many years. I made myself believe I understood what was happening and buried everything I didn't. It wasn't until many years later that I realized I didn't understand any of it. I was a pawn. I was used as a spy to collect data about things well beyond my years. I see now it was then that I diverted from the path of reality and it has completely changed the direction of my life. I am still trying to find myself in the confusion that has resulted.
Andrew
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Thinking
It always gets me in trouble. I have had too much time on my hands and I have ended up doing to much thinking and not enough blogging. The worst problem is I can't blog about what I have been thinking. I have tried but there seems to be something holding me back.
So in the constant boring time I have I am putting more effort to research schooling choices and possible non skilled jobs to help with the cost of schooling. A good evening/third shift job would be good for now. Then branch out when I get a better grasp on some new skills I will be in school for. I will be gaining confidance in some areas where my experience hasn't given me the best knowledge of details.
I wish there was something I should do at this point, but it seems that time has been my worst enemy. I have never been good at waiting for things to happen. I am a tech geek... almost everything I do has an instant effect. People around where I live now don't seem to understand that idea. I can't blame them for not knowing about things they have only seen in movies. It is amazing to see for some of us... but there are areas of the US that have no High Speed internet access available to them. I live in one of those areas!
Andrew
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