I hate waiting! I hate the feeling I get when I am forced to sit and do nothing. If it were only a few hours I would be fine with it. But I am in a situation where I am forced to wait for weeks and there is nothing I can do or do about it. I am almost to the point where I am going to start ripping my own hair out. Why does everything take so LONG!!!
I think I am going to continue waiting in my sleep now.
Andrew
Monday, February 21, 2011
Thursday, February 17, 2011
The Simple Life
So I live back home where life as I remember it was simple and easy-going. It isn't like I remember. Life is hard out in the middle of nowhere. There isn't much to do or places to go but there is more than enough work to keep you busy all day and night. The simple life as I saw it growing up and early adulthood isn't as easy-going as it looked. Every time I look at my days they seem to be packed with things to do, places to go to get supplies to work on something, or just working hard just to stay warm. Some of the work is just because it is winter. But most of it is because that is how life is here. It isn't complex as the social world I have lived in the last years, but it isn't easier by any margins either.
I have had my fair share of issues because of growing up out here. But living here had taught me more about growing up and how to survive than anything the social or city world could ever offer. There were times not very long ago I blamed my problems trying to interact with people on what most people would call a backwater style of living here. I have since seen all of this from a glass half full perspective. For the little I lost because of this place I have gained knowledge and experiences that so few will ever know. It has shaped me in to the man I am today. My work ethic, my nearly uncompromising since of right and wrong, and my internal struggle with defining myself. It is this struggle that has pushed me to become more than I am, to grow as a human person, and to strive to find a place where I belong. Right now I am not the person I want to be. It is a road and a journey that I hope I will never give up on.
Some people live their entire lives content with where and who they are. They believe they are everything they need to be, or at least pretend to. I pity these people... they are too scared take the steps to change. They are locked in place by everything around them. I am not the best at this myself. I allow so much to pass me by because I don't have the balls to grab what is in front of me. It isn't an easy thing to step out from the shell you build around yourself. But with time and willpower it can be done! I hope that I reach the goals I have in mind and find new higher ones to keep reaching for.
Yeah life isn't the same all the way out here... but I wouldn't trade it for a day-to-day city routine. Maybe I found where I should be!
Andrew
I have had my fair share of issues because of growing up out here. But living here had taught me more about growing up and how to survive than anything the social or city world could ever offer. There were times not very long ago I blamed my problems trying to interact with people on what most people would call a backwater style of living here. I have since seen all of this from a glass half full perspective. For the little I lost because of this place I have gained knowledge and experiences that so few will ever know. It has shaped me in to the man I am today. My work ethic, my nearly uncompromising since of right and wrong, and my internal struggle with defining myself. It is this struggle that has pushed me to become more than I am, to grow as a human person, and to strive to find a place where I belong. Right now I am not the person I want to be. It is a road and a journey that I hope I will never give up on.
Some people live their entire lives content with where and who they are. They believe they are everything they need to be, or at least pretend to. I pity these people... they are too scared take the steps to change. They are locked in place by everything around them. I am not the best at this myself. I allow so much to pass me by because I don't have the balls to grab what is in front of me. It isn't an easy thing to step out from the shell you build around yourself. But with time and willpower it can be done! I hope that I reach the goals I have in mind and find new higher ones to keep reaching for.
Yeah life isn't the same all the way out here... but I wouldn't trade it for a day-to-day city routine. Maybe I found where I should be!
Andrew
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Another sleepless night
As I sit through another sleepless night pondering the next days events. I find myself thinking about how I arrived here and how I am going to go forward. It isn't easy letting go of the road behind, washing your hands of the last setback, and looking to what is now an unknown future. It is like looking in to a dark abyss that is tangled with roads leading in every direction, crisscrossing, taking steep grades both up and down.
My future is a completely blank slate right now. It makes me very nervous!! Over the years I have had trouble and setbacks, but none have been exactly like this. Because of the recent great things that had happened, I was in a state of transition to something new. I now feel stuck in that transitional state. Like everything and yet nothing is before me. In some ways this feeling of being stuck has been around for longer than just last weeks setback. I have been stationary since I decided to move out of my apartment in Tempe back in September! I feel like it is time for action. But with so many options and choices and possible end results, how and where can I start?
Is it possible to really have a blank slate after all these years? Is it really possible to "start over"? It makes me even more nervous to think that this might actually be happening! That for the first time I can remember in my life, I am totally and completely free! I have almost nothing holding me back from doing anything in the world I want to do! It is a scary and inspiring truth. Being this free makes me yearn for the oppressively happy feelings and happenings of everyday life. The day-to-day worries of living ones life, the responsibilities for yourself, your friends, and your family, and the love and joys and happiness of just being alive. I don't feel any of those things right now! My life just feels simply, on hold. Like someone hit pause on the DVD of my life.
Even with this only being a short part of my life, I feel as if it maybe the most important time. As I think I have a once in a lifetime opportunity to cut in a new plot before the DVD starts playing again.
Andrew
My future is a completely blank slate right now. It makes me very nervous!! Over the years I have had trouble and setbacks, but none have been exactly like this. Because of the recent great things that had happened, I was in a state of transition to something new. I now feel stuck in that transitional state. Like everything and yet nothing is before me. In some ways this feeling of being stuck has been around for longer than just last weeks setback. I have been stationary since I decided to move out of my apartment in Tempe back in September! I feel like it is time for action. But with so many options and choices and possible end results, how and where can I start?
Is it possible to really have a blank slate after all these years? Is it really possible to "start over"? It makes me even more nervous to think that this might actually be happening! That for the first time I can remember in my life, I am totally and completely free! I have almost nothing holding me back from doing anything in the world I want to do! It is a scary and inspiring truth. Being this free makes me yearn for the oppressively happy feelings and happenings of everyday life. The day-to-day worries of living ones life, the responsibilities for yourself, your friends, and your family, and the love and joys and happiness of just being alive. I don't feel any of those things right now! My life just feels simply, on hold. Like someone hit pause on the DVD of my life.
Even with this only being a short part of my life, I feel as if it maybe the most important time. As I think I have a once in a lifetime opportunity to cut in a new plot before the DVD starts playing again.
Andrew
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Just a little something from my head
Today was a devastating day for me. I want to shout and scream and yell and get drunk to help get rid and forget all about it. I can't do any of that! My words are tied in the unforgiving world of legal and personal ramification of what I say and what I don't say what I do and what I don't do. I was angry and distraught but somehow I have kept my cool. I have kept my 'demons' in check. I willed them away with logic, inelegance, and just simple desire. The desire to be something more than an animal ruled by negativity and desperate despair.
I look at myself right now in wonder at my own strength. The ability for me to show such level-headedness as my father would put it. To enguage the world that seems out to get me with calm and deliberate actions. To reach out for help even when I am the suborn one that always needs to 'do it myself'. It dawns on me after all this time of being a that type of man, that I was wrong. Learning isn't a single persons adventure in to the unknown, it is an adventure filled with connections of friendships, and relationships, and lovers, and battles, and compromises. Every connection shapes who you are. Everything you think you are alone, you really have everyone and everything you have ever seen with you. It is a group effort to survive and prosper in this small and unrelenting world.
I wasn't just wrong, I was un-evolved. I can see where I may have been drawing on my instincts to guide myself. Seeing everything as a battle of the fittest. As out prehistoric ansestors may have done. Banging on my chest as if I were calling to the world that 'I can stand alone' , 'I need no one'. In reality the fittest is the person that can step back, see the situation, and call on help from the connections he has made. Connections he has built with his and others futures in mind. As others need him he would be there for them as they would be there for him.
It is fitting that earlier this week I stated in an email to one of my friends as a a your welcome. "Someone once told me that friends and family are important. I like to help those where and how I can!"
In that simple statement I find great meaning about who I really am. About my feelings and about the things I have lost and the things I have thrown away. My mistakes have cost me so much, yet I have gained more than I could have dreamed.
Andrew
I look at myself right now in wonder at my own strength. The ability for me to show such level-headedness as my father would put it. To enguage the world that seems out to get me with calm and deliberate actions. To reach out for help even when I am the suborn one that always needs to 'do it myself'. It dawns on me after all this time of being a that type of man, that I was wrong. Learning isn't a single persons adventure in to the unknown, it is an adventure filled with connections of friendships, and relationships, and lovers, and battles, and compromises. Every connection shapes who you are. Everything you think you are alone, you really have everyone and everything you have ever seen with you. It is a group effort to survive and prosper in this small and unrelenting world.
I wasn't just wrong, I was un-evolved. I can see where I may have been drawing on my instincts to guide myself. Seeing everything as a battle of the fittest. As out prehistoric ansestors may have done. Banging on my chest as if I were calling to the world that 'I can stand alone' , 'I need no one'. In reality the fittest is the person that can step back, see the situation, and call on help from the connections he has made. Connections he has built with his and others futures in mind. As others need him he would be there for them as they would be there for him.
It is fitting that earlier this week I stated in an email to one of my friends as a a your welcome. "Someone once told me that friends and family are important. I like to help those where and how I can!"
In that simple statement I find great meaning about who I really am. About my feelings and about the things I have lost and the things I have thrown away. My mistakes have cost me so much, yet I have gained more than I could have dreamed.
Andrew
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Happenings
Does everything happen for a reason? I hope so... It would be a very uninteresting world if everything just happened. I am not one to believe in a grand scheme for everything. I refuse to believe the future has been pre-written, but sometimes it is hard to ignore that some things just fall in to place like they were meant to be that way. It is the little things like that that keep my faith where it is. Like my recent move to Florida.
If I would have gotten the call about this new position the following day, I would not have been able to accept it. I was planing on signing a one year lease for a new apartment near the Biltmore area in Phoenix that afternoon. So there was the first thing that fell into place for the move. The rest that started happening is just because of my own hard work and desire to make it work. I found possible places to live quickly and started figuring out all the details of what it would take to actually make the move. I planed a trip down to the area to see places to live and to find out some details of what areas to look for a home. In the end I made it happen.
I can't really say I believe there is something driving the outcome of life. Sometimes things happen that just can't be explained and you just have to have faith. But remember you make your own good things happen. Don't rely on destiny or what ever you call it to shape your life for you.
Andrew
If I would have gotten the call about this new position the following day, I would not have been able to accept it. I was planing on signing a one year lease for a new apartment near the Biltmore area in Phoenix that afternoon. So there was the first thing that fell into place for the move. The rest that started happening is just because of my own hard work and desire to make it work. I found possible places to live quickly and started figuring out all the details of what it would take to actually make the move. I planed a trip down to the area to see places to live and to find out some details of what areas to look for a home. In the end I made it happen.
I can't really say I believe there is something driving the outcome of life. Sometimes things happen that just can't be explained and you just have to have faith. But remember you make your own good things happen. Don't rely on destiny or what ever you call it to shape your life for you.
Andrew
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Beer
I have made it no secret... I love beer! Beer is the friend that never talks back or gives opinions. It has been a trusted ally of mine for several years. It is one of my crutches, the thing I fall back on when I don't know what else to do. It isn't the best crutch but when I have a beer in my hand I know where I am and why. But beer is even more than that to me now. It is something I not only use... it has become something I truly enjoy and respect.
Creating a beer that is outrageously good isn't easy. There are thousands and thousands of beer choices out there. I like to think I have seen a lot and tried all that I have seen, but I cannot claim it is true. I have spent some time recently researching beer a little closer. Learning about how it is made and what it takes to create great flavors. It isn't simple!! Some of my favorite beers are generally not part of the wider market of beer. The Craft brew market is growing fast. 2010 it is estimated to reach close to 9% of the over all beer market in the US. This is from over 1600 breweries. Each turning out multiple types and styles of beer. That put us in the 10 thousand range in the number of beers available to the market. I have only had a couple hundred at the most and I am the guy that always tries the new brew that showed up on the shelf. You would have to drink everyday none stop for months to try even a recognizable fraction of the total beers available.
So when you drink beer... do you go for the case of Bud, or the 12 pack of Pin Stripe, or the single bottle of Speedway? The three cost the nearly the same. I personally would take the bottle of Speedway any day of the week and twice on the weekends. It is about quality for me. In my past drinking ones self to a drunken state was the point of drinking. For me it is has evolved to being more than that. It is about the quality of what I am drinking. The flavors and overall greatness of the beer itself. I love the odd bottles of beer you don't find but once. Like special edition brews for random events. Like the 16th anniversary collection from Great Divide Brewing Company, the IPA was awesome! Or the entire 30th anniversary of Sierra Nevada. All very very good beers. But they are a once in a life time beer. When the supplies are gone they will never be made again. It is beers like that you can't just walk away from. You cant just not try.
The next time you drink a beer... think about what it is that that beer is to you. Is it just another beer or is it something more than just a buzz?
Andrew
Creating a beer that is outrageously good isn't easy. There are thousands and thousands of beer choices out there. I like to think I have seen a lot and tried all that I have seen, but I cannot claim it is true. I have spent some time recently researching beer a little closer. Learning about how it is made and what it takes to create great flavors. It isn't simple!! Some of my favorite beers are generally not part of the wider market of beer. The Craft brew market is growing fast. 2010 it is estimated to reach close to 9% of the over all beer market in the US. This is from over 1600 breweries. Each turning out multiple types and styles of beer. That put us in the 10 thousand range in the number of beers available to the market. I have only had a couple hundred at the most and I am the guy that always tries the new brew that showed up on the shelf. You would have to drink everyday none stop for months to try even a recognizable fraction of the total beers available.
So when you drink beer... do you go for the case of Bud, or the 12 pack of Pin Stripe, or the single bottle of Speedway? The three cost the nearly the same. I personally would take the bottle of Speedway any day of the week and twice on the weekends. It is about quality for me. In my past drinking ones self to a drunken state was the point of drinking. For me it is has evolved to being more than that. It is about the quality of what I am drinking. The flavors and overall greatness of the beer itself. I love the odd bottles of beer you don't find but once. Like special edition brews for random events. Like the 16th anniversary collection from Great Divide Brewing Company, the IPA was awesome! Or the entire 30th anniversary of Sierra Nevada. All very very good beers. But they are a once in a life time beer. When the supplies are gone they will never be made again. It is beers like that you can't just walk away from. You cant just not try.
The next time you drink a beer... think about what it is that that beer is to you. Is it just another beer or is it something more than just a buzz?
Andrew
I want to Blog more!
My life is new this year in more ways than one. So, I am starting something new this year with the help of The Daily Post. I am going to try to write one post a week for 2011.
This is a challenge I am ready for. Something to get me on the right track to start with. Every year that goes by can be a new start if you want it to be. But as we start anew we must always remember the past and what it has taught us.
Here is to all that is new!
Andrew
This is a challenge I am ready for. Something to get me on the right track to start with. Every year that goes by can be a new start if you want it to be. But as we start anew we must always remember the past and what it has taught us.
Here is to all that is new!
Andrew
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