Today

Today was a day to remember. I said goodbye to people that I truely love! Most of you know who you are. For those that don't, don't sweat it, if I haven't told you it was for good reason. There are those I have had relationships with that I have had to cover my true feelings to make life livable. I am sorry.

There are more things that I remember that make me cry than laugh and makes me endlessly sad to think of life this way. I remember the years past and yesterday as if they were the same. It is a curse to have a momory like mine. I have to choose to forget things sometimes. But the most awesome stay with me no matter whay I choose.

If there is one thing I have found... Life is never as bad as it seems. May dreams and love prevail.

Andrew

Choices and more Changes

It has been a few days now... I have had time to truly think over the choice I have made. The idea that I am leaving what has become my home scares me. Not for the reasons that first come to mind either. I can distantly feel three reasons why I am scared.

One: I feel like I am running from something. Running from the heart aches I have gained while living here. Some of the toughest years of my life were lived here. I feel as if leaving without resolving everything just makes me a coward and a heartless person. Coward because I haven't been able to face the pain and be rid of it forever. A heartless person because I would have left knowing that I created scars on others and myself without fixing them first. This is the part that makes me cry about leaving. The part that reaches my soul and tears a part of it away. It leaves me feeling like a worthless human.

Two: I am leaving the only place I know has truly loved me. The people, the city, and even the desert seem to be part of me. Like I am part of the overall scheme. That I am not just a working ant in a sea of a million workers. Like I was the black ant among the reds around me. Like I was special. I do now know if I will find this feeling again. But I really hope so!

Three: This is the standard reason. The reason everyone feels about leaving a place. The friends I have made here have made my live worth living. They with help of outside reasons... they saved my life. Truly saved my life. There was a time When everything seemed lost to me... and life itself was no longer worth the effort. The friends I have known here pulled me back from the edge. I was never able to thank all of them... because they most likely didn't even know what they did for me. But I have tried to return the favor by becoming who I am today. The person shaped by their influence, the better person because they were part of my life.

The changes that come from the choice I have made is a selfish one. I am doping what I have to for myself. I m not thinking of others feelings as I make this change. I am simply not able to ddddddddddddddddddkkkkkkklllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllljdddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss



Ok, I fell asleep while typing... time to post and go to bed.

Andrw

Tomorrow and Me

So this afternoon while working on some documents. Something hit me... When will I find meaning for my life? I know I am not old, but I feel like I am some days. Like I have already lived through the best parts of my life and tomorrow will only be the day after today. It will not bring anything new. It will be just another day of mundane tasks and endless problem solving. Has life already passed me by... Have I been content with my solitary life that I am not willing to try anymore? I feel like the only good I have left is the little things. Like cooking a great dinner for myself... or a nice mountain drive.

In my head I know that I am just felling.. 'down' and it will pass as things move around and change. But it doesn't change the fact that I still feel this is all there is. I am too young to really be thinking these things. I am still a long way from reaching the end of my potential. It the the thought of the extra efforts that make me feel the way I do. The time and energy needed to expand where I am to the next level and beyond. It just looks exhausting...

Andrew

Life, Love, Happiness

Life, Love, and the pursuit of Happiness... where did we go wrong?
Happiness: We all had the thought as children that a simple thing like the a toy would make us happy for ever. It did for a short time, but then we realized that it wasn't new anymore. When the newness wares off it isn't as much fun and that lessened the happiness we felt because of it. I think the idea of short term happiness has grown to an epidemic in our current social world. Devoice rates are only one example. Car leases is another great example. Get rid of the car before you really don't feel that it isn't new anymore. Everything is built to be throwaway items now. Even people just create and toss relationships like it had no effect on them. And I am guilty of this short term happiness trend too.

Life: Up until now I thought this was because I was young and stupid. I did things like a foolish child would. Without thought of the end results. It was these stupid ideas and decisions that I look back on as the worst things in my life. They are wrong... almost evil looking now that I know better. I still have a lot to learn about how to survive in this world but I have found that my short term happiness can suffer as long as I am happy with the road ahead. It is in looking to the future that I find happiness. Because I know now that I doing right in my life. That I am truly a good person!

Love: Over the next few weeks I am going to be writing about the future as I see it. There will be a lot of geek things, computer talk, life choices, and a little about the love. Love is one of the hardest things for me to write about. It is strong feeling and an elusive one I haven't had a lot of experience with. It isn't an easy emotion to handle. I don't believe the feeling of real love is as simple as we have made it out to be. I think it is deeper than we can imagine. I think there are many people that don't have the ability to understand or feel what love really is. I am going to explore this within myself. I think we should all take the time to figure this out, because if you don't, you may meat someone that you love and never know it.

It is in the pursuit of happiness that we find that we may not be chasing the right thing. I think I need to change directions!

Andrew

Feelings

The word feelings can be used in many contexts. But the word is merely a poor word to describe ones emotions. People tend to throw around the word a little too casually. I think as a society we have some what disconnected the link between emotions and feelings in the context of language. We have found a way to talk about what we feel in to open without actually opening up our true emotions.
For a many years of my life I didn't know how to truly open my emotions up. It took a catastrophic implosion to release them. I am still working on understanding the feelings I experience everyday. I recently had an experience of a feeling I haven't felt in a very long time. I did expect it and I didn't even notice that it was there. There is a phrase "you don't know what you have until is is gone". When you notice the removal of something you didn't even know was there. It is hard to handle the confusion and shock. You do things that are just... well... stupid. You forget to think. It feels like you have lost your mind. I didn't realize what was going on at first. It took some time to gather my thoughts and work out the reason for the stupidity. I am now working on dealing with my problem. Well not really a problem it is more like a situation. When pain is due to emotional hurt it is very serious. Not dealing with the pain can cause long term distress.
Enough about me and my emotional distress. I am a survivor. I will figure this out and come out ahead as a better more knowledgeable person. But I will be short one lost feeling!!

Andrew

How?

There are some things in my past that have left lasting scars. The emotional hurts that cut deeper than any knife could. I look back at these events and try to learn from them. But once your heart and even soul have been cut like mine has, it is hard to trust anyone enough to get that close again. We build walls around ourselves and consiously and sub-consiously hold people at arms length. It is a natural reaction to pain and the remembrance of pain.
I hate dwelling on the past, but it is a good teacher and reference tool for what is happening in the now. But this time I can't explain why I am feeling this way. Despite all my walls and keeping people away... I feel I have gain another scar. Maybe there are people out there that can reach through the defenses and touch our hearts without us even being able to see it or feel it at the time. Maybe I reached out with my emotions farther than I thought I did. Most people don't go out looking to hurt others, it is usually something that happens and there is no one to blame. Sometimes life just doesn't work out like you expect. The best laid plans of mice and men open go astray. When it comes to emotions, sometimes, it is hard to understand what we expect of ourselves. It is hard to judge what the emotion wants and is planing. So, we fail to protect ourselves and those around us from ourselves. If we force ourselves to live in exile, we avoid the pain but we also avoid the happyness and joy life can bring.
My last weeks have been very different and difficult. I have had some realizations that have brought me joy and happiness. But behind it all I feel a deep despair, loneliness, and hurt. I failed to protect myself and I didn't even see it coming. It was a blind side hit that has effected me more than it should have. I find myself asking, "How did I allow this to happen?".

Andrew


P.S. I wrote that a few weeks ago. Hind sight is a beautiful thing, I have had the ability to look back and figure out that I was reaching like a desperate person. I felt something that I remembered, a comfort and true internal peace. It is something I felt inside many years ago with someone I still miss today. I think there are people you meet in your life that can calm the turmoil inside without doing anything more then being there. I am glad I now know there is more than one person in my life that has done this for me. And it give me hope!

Ending

As I was writing my last blog, an idea popped in to my head; "This blog has reached the END". At first I didn't know what to make of this idea. How can there be an end to what I have started here? I started this blog because I needed a way to express my ideas. To work through all the endless, tormenting, and terrifying ideas that manifested in my mind. To sort out the reasons for laughter and the crying. It was only started a short few years ago when I was in the most desperate time I have ever faced in my life. I hope no one has to go through what I lived through. But I also LOVE that it happened to me. Without this wake up call... I would sill be the endlessly lost and endlessly stupid child I was before. I am still not fully grown but I believe I have learned enough to know that life isn't something you figure out overnight. Life is endless learning and life is about how you interact with the world around you and how you react to those interactions.

This isn't the end of this blog... but I see it differently now. I don't see this as a place where the past has any meaning any more. I have learned from it, I have grown from it. Let the past be the past. I have grown more because of this blog then any other single thing in my life. There are only a few people in my life today that even can tell the differences in me because of this. And I doubt they even read a word of this blog. I have one last feeling to express...

I feel truly alone. We all face it in our lives at some point. There was only a short time in my life where I truly remember not feeling some level of being alone. There have been sparks of possibility here and there but none of them have ever seemed to fill the void like I remember. Over the last years I have been learning how to be happy being alone. It is in this effort that I have found, I can't truly be happy alone. I was not meant to be by myself. I feel like there is more for me, like this isn't where I should be, and something is out there waiting. With this feeling guiding me, I start out on a new journey. A journey to find what is out there to fill this void. Being alone isn't enough for me anymore.

At the moment this post is made public it will be a new day... I will see you all then!

Andrew