What a long and productive week so far. I know it is only Wednesday and I am already calling it long! I am going to write something a little different today. A blog about more how I do the tech geek stuff I do. This all started around noon on Tuesday, I got this idea in my head to research Rooting my Motorola Droid Android phone. I wanted to install Android OS V2.2, aka Froyo, before the official release. So I dug through the forums and read a few of the guides. There were about 10 different ways of doing it according the the people on there. So I am here to tell you it isn't that complicated and some of the ways really don't work with the phone and it can be trial and error. After I was done with the root/update and I spent about 2 hours staring at the phone setting up all the accounts and configs, I decided to blog about my experience. I think doing so will give some insight in to how I go about the geek stuff I do, and maybe explain a little of the 'why?' too.
FYI.. Rooting is the process of hacking an Android phone so you have access to the kernel files and can replace them with anything you want. Android is an open source OS. Everyone, even you, have access to the raw computer code that it is written in. There are many people in the Android community that create their own special versions of this code and publish it for general use. Many do these types of things in there free time and ask for donations. It is always good to donate some cash to these guys so they keep up the great work that they do. Think of it like tipping the bar tender, I tip my software providers.
Getting started...
Everyone knows you have to prepare for any project you take on. It may be as simple as closing the door of your office but you have to do it. In this case, I was doing this as an after work (starting at about 7pm) project. With this in mind there are some things that you have to do to prepare your body, mind and, as I like to believe, my soul. I took a shower and got in to comfortable, lay-around-the-house cloths grabbed some mind food. Most of the time I prefer a simple meat and vegie plate, like a grilled chicken breast and a side of broccoli. I didn't have the time to pull off such a meal so I digressed to the more popular and overly effective bowl of fruit loops cereal. These little sugar coated multi color loops of joy may be the best brain food have used in my entire life. I use them a lot!!!
Action...
Now I bring up the guide that I have decided to follow. It is a two part guide... an overview from a user that wanted to make sure he was doing it right, good links to more info from his post: HERE... the actual step my step detailed guide I will be following (yes guys do read instructions and follow them): HERE.
The first part of the guide is mainly downloading and installing software and drivers. RSD Lite and Motorola Flash Interface Drivers. I these items install without much issue. Suggestion... do this on a pre-Windows Vista system if possible. Issues with the new UAC (user account control) can keep it from working correctly. My Windows 7 Ultimate N 64 Bit didn't like it much. Once I moved the setups to my Windows 2003 SB Server everything went smooth. Like I said the first attempts at rooting the phone failed, I tried it about 6 - 10 times for each of the methods with slight variations in the process that I came up with on my own. The two methods I tried are the Terminal Enumerator method (not explained in the linked guide) and the RSD Method. The Terminal Enumerator method entails moving some files to the SD Card and loading them using a command line app. This didn't work all that well so I abandoned it for the RSD method as it seemed to be more well documented in the forum world and if there were problems I could find solutions. I spent the next two hours trying to get my Phone to detect on the RSD software on my Win 7 system. By the time these two hours were over and I had read about 20 different sites and forums trying to find anything that could cause the problem as I had almost nothing to go on besides it just didn't work... I wanted to not only shoot my laptop... I wanted to hack it up in to little inch squares and burn it!!! We who love and live the world of technology have the times where we are just as frustrated, if not more because we are the geeks and should know how it all works already, as the average users out there. It just made me more mad when I installed the software in to my home server and the whole process of rooting using the RSD method was complete in less than 5 mins. The process after that was merely copying files to and from the phone so that part was all done on my laptop. Important note... Do the backup processes and data clearing as stated in the guide do it twice if you have any doubts. If you do not and you update and it doesn't work... you may have a nice paperweight when you are all done. BACKUP EVERYTHING you want to keep. I didn't care about a lot of it so I only did the Nandroid backup and made a copy of some of the files on my SD Card that I didn't have saved anywhere else. I also have my contacts backed up in several other ways so I don't loose them so I did't need the backup off the phone.
Rooting is done, so it is time for loading the kernel of choice. I decided on the basic Froyo FRG01B release listed in the guide. This is just one that doesn't have too many custom mods in the release. I only wanted to add flash and the new Froyo features to my droid. I can't really afford downtime with my phone as it also is my business phone. If you want to go to the extreme mod side... Check out Bugless Beast V0.4 Android 2.2 FRF84B (Fully Deodexed). That is one of the most modded I have seen to date. The update process is easy from this point, follow the instructions and you are all set. If the update crashes your phone... see the Rescue Squad forum. There are all kinds of info in there to help you out.
Flash Update and cleanup...
There are several other things listed in the guide that you can mod to add features to your device. You are the only one to judge if you need them or not... Don't do them unless you need them. The less you mess with your phone the less likely you are going to break something. I added the Flash Beta as that was one of the reasons I was doing this update. I also followed the Watch Hulu steps for the browser to make sure flash was working correctly and I love HULU. Everything worked awesome.
Be cautious with your data usage after the update. Froyo's new features have more sync options that increase the amount of data you need to use, like Picasa web albums can now be synced to your phone gallery, and if you have multiple Google accounts it will now allow you to sync all your calendars from all accounts. Use a good WIFI connection to speed this update process up, my phone is still trying to complete the updates. I almost have 11 GB of pictures posted on my Picasa account so they are taking a while to sync to the phone. Based on the data usage it isn't downloading the full copy of the files. What can I say like to take pictures.
After the fruit loops, shredded laptop, hours of research, and quick updates, I ended with a rooted and updated phone with so many new features and I found new ones every time I opened another app. At this point I am very happy with my choice to update this way. I not have the choice to change out versions fairly easy and might up my mod level if I find something I can't live without. You can ask just about anyone I spoke with today... this root has made me like a kid geek again... and that feeling is why I test and run Beta and Alpha release software all the time. Finding a new version or new program that does better or something never done before makes me just ecstatic and I can't hold myself back from yelling it to the world.
Until my next big breakthrough... the techy writer in me is signing off.
Andrew
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Sunday, July 25, 2010
The blog
So yesterday someone told me they missed my blog and asked me why I don't blog anymore. The truth is that I have been writing blogs... just not completing them to my satisfaction. My head has been a little distracted lately. The anxiety of work and life and all the other BS has kept me from generating the ideas and words needed to write in my bog and keep it to what I have as standards. Not that my standards are high... Really... just read some of the crap I have posted over these last few years. LOL.
Because of that comment and because it isn't often you have the power to bring back something someone misses. I wanted to type up a blog today.
Stopping point... Can't think of what to type...
So here is a little bit of what happens when I try and blog. First I sit down and usually start out about something that happened or is going to happen or why I felt like blogging. That part is easy because I sat down and started typing for a reason. The next part is not completely easy for me. I start generating all the ideas that will go in to the blog and just start typing. This part goes smooth only until I hit an idea or thought that pulls my attention away from the road I saw before starting to type. That is when my blog start feeling like 'work'. Trying to keep it on track can be mind numbingly hard. I think this has a lot to do with where my inspiration to blog comes from. My inspiration to blog comes from the emotional responses to the happenings in my life. When I feel angry, sad, happy, and even void of emotion that is when I can sit down and have the ability to poor myself out in to words on a page. This is also why I don't publish all the blogs I type up. Sometimes things that I type about would make others feel bad. Those that know me best, know that is not me but I am not going to post something that might openly mash someones feelings even if that wasn't the intent.
Back to the inspiration part... I have found that when following the paths the emotional responses lead me down I find out that they become more complex than words can describe and I start making links between this emotion and others. This causes me to jump a few curbs and maybe go down the wrong way on a one way street. Generally causes havoc with the ability of the blog to make since. This is where the 'work' comes in. Keeping my mind on the path gets so hard that sometimes I give up or stop or read what I wrote and can't even follow my own words. Here is where my brain just stops... Because I got the idea or emotion in to words I can't go back and redo it. It wouldn't be the same as the first time I went through it and I wouldn't have as much stuff in my head to type.
What does this all really mean? It means I am not a writer and will never claim to be. Writers can create words where feelings and ideas start to get weak. I think of myself as someone that dumps words on a page and hope it is readable. That is the strength of this blog... it is ideas and feelings in the rawest form I can provide. When reading what I write after I post it, there are times that i can't even remember why a sentence come out a certain way. I am constantly thinking "WTF, why did I type that?" but that is the reaction after the idea has been put through the ringer of me blogging. I have never pulled a post down because of this reaction and it helps me understand the steps I go through when dealing with something.
In looking for a topic for a blog, I found that I didn't need a topic for it. The last part is my ending statement. I try and keep this short and sweet and usually I have the ending in mind before I even get half way through. That helps keep the blog more on track. Todays ending isn't going to be like that...
I would like to apologize for not blogging much over the last months (nearly a year). My blogging has always been about what I needed to do for myself. Someone in my life recently made me very aware of how much I only do things because they benefit me. I don't look at myself as being that way but I can see where and how I can portray that idea with my actions. I am pushing myself to start looking outside my somewhat self-centered blinders and see me from the outside. I haven't taken full stock of what I have discovered yet on this quest. But I am sure I there will be a blog about it sometime in the future. Until then, everyone now knows one of the mind entangling things that have been known to keep me awake at night.
Andrew
Because of that comment and because it isn't often you have the power to bring back something someone misses. I wanted to type up a blog today.
Stopping point... Can't think of what to type...
So here is a little bit of what happens when I try and blog. First I sit down and usually start out about something that happened or is going to happen or why I felt like blogging. That part is easy because I sat down and started typing for a reason. The next part is not completely easy for me. I start generating all the ideas that will go in to the blog and just start typing. This part goes smooth only until I hit an idea or thought that pulls my attention away from the road I saw before starting to type. That is when my blog start feeling like 'work'. Trying to keep it on track can be mind numbingly hard. I think this has a lot to do with where my inspiration to blog comes from. My inspiration to blog comes from the emotional responses to the happenings in my life. When I feel angry, sad, happy, and even void of emotion that is when I can sit down and have the ability to poor myself out in to words on a page. This is also why I don't publish all the blogs I type up. Sometimes things that I type about would make others feel bad. Those that know me best, know that is not me but I am not going to post something that might openly mash someones feelings even if that wasn't the intent.
Back to the inspiration part... I have found that when following the paths the emotional responses lead me down I find out that they become more complex than words can describe and I start making links between this emotion and others. This causes me to jump a few curbs and maybe go down the wrong way on a one way street. Generally causes havoc with the ability of the blog to make since. This is where the 'work' comes in. Keeping my mind on the path gets so hard that sometimes I give up or stop or read what I wrote and can't even follow my own words. Here is where my brain just stops... Because I got the idea or emotion in to words I can't go back and redo it. It wouldn't be the same as the first time I went through it and I wouldn't have as much stuff in my head to type.
What does this all really mean? It means I am not a writer and will never claim to be. Writers can create words where feelings and ideas start to get weak. I think of myself as someone that dumps words on a page and hope it is readable. That is the strength of this blog... it is ideas and feelings in the rawest form I can provide. When reading what I write after I post it, there are times that i can't even remember why a sentence come out a certain way. I am constantly thinking "WTF, why did I type that?" but that is the reaction after the idea has been put through the ringer of me blogging. I have never pulled a post down because of this reaction and it helps me understand the steps I go through when dealing with something.
In looking for a topic for a blog, I found that I didn't need a topic for it. The last part is my ending statement. I try and keep this short and sweet and usually I have the ending in mind before I even get half way through. That helps keep the blog more on track. Todays ending isn't going to be like that...
I would like to apologize for not blogging much over the last months (nearly a year). My blogging has always been about what I needed to do for myself. Someone in my life recently made me very aware of how much I only do things because they benefit me. I don't look at myself as being that way but I can see where and how I can portray that idea with my actions. I am pushing myself to start looking outside my somewhat self-centered blinders and see me from the outside. I haven't taken full stock of what I have discovered yet on this quest. But I am sure I there will be a blog about it sometime in the future. Until then, everyone now knows one of the mind entangling things that have been known to keep me awake at night.
Andrew
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
so what about today
today was a good day. Very little email work because it is my day off... my job requires a lot of personal sacrifice. in the end i get paid for what i do and i love what i do to boot.
I got to wish a Canadian a Happy Canada day... a little early but it was worth the effort.
Again I am posting a little intoxicated. more so than i was the last time. but the time i spent out on the town was worth it.
So I am going to visit a subject i touched on before. Why will women not take up their own arms and go after what they are truly looking at and obviously want? Are women just as blind or do they expect such direct confrontation... why can't they be the ones that stand out in a crowd and have the go get'em attitude?
i guess this is more about being alone and not liking it than being against the other sex. I haven't quite learned how to be alone in my world yet. I am trying and when i succeed i will be ready for the next phase of Andrew. The confident man with a heart...
andrew
I got to wish a Canadian a Happy Canada day... a little early but it was worth the effort.
Again I am posting a little intoxicated. more so than i was the last time. but the time i spent out on the town was worth it.
So I am going to visit a subject i touched on before. Why will women not take up their own arms and go after what they are truly looking at and obviously want? Are women just as blind or do they expect such direct confrontation... why can't they be the ones that stand out in a crowd and have the go get'em attitude?
i guess this is more about being alone and not liking it than being against the other sex. I haven't quite learned how to be alone in my world yet. I am trying and when i succeed i will be ready for the next phase of Andrew. The confident man with a heart...
andrew
Friday, June 25, 2010
just a blog about our little world
today i am going not only all lower case... i am doing this almost to my brink of intoxication. a few choice high alcohol content beers will do that to you.
so i was thinking while i was sitting at the bar watching all the people mingle around me that i was the only one there completely alone. is it really sad that i went to a bar by myself? I like the bar atmosphere... the crappy food and almost unreal variety of choice of things to drink. have i become the old crazy guy at the bar at noon on a weekday already? i do not believe i am drinking because of anything other than just plan wanting to. but with the human mind it could be nearly anything driving that 'want' and i don't believe i would even know the reason even if it was not a personal and deliberate choice. so it doesn't really matter why i was there... just that i was there and pondered something why i was drinking and eating...
pondering the idea of why the girl at the end of the bar, that was clearly watching me for about an hour, didn't just come over and say hi? i think that women of this society have just as much difficulty approaching men as men have approaching women. many men in today's world are very emotional. I am not one of those men but i do have issues talking to people i don't know or about subjects i don't feel comfortable with. i believe that the world is a true two way street. comfort levels between any two people that have a conversations needs to be the responsibility of both parties and both people are responsible for keeping a relationship even it if is a one off 10-20 min talk in a bar alive. if one person doesn't make a move toward someone and the other person doesn't either... then it isn't just one of the persons fault, it is a collaborative effort between both people.
i know this world still looks to the men to do all the aggressive moves and approach the person they think might be a match for them. but why!? women i have met are more aggressive and much more socially adapted then i am so why can't they stand up for themselves and go get the person they want or see that they might want? i don't want to sound like i am being derogatory toward women or anything of the sort... i just wish to understand in a world where there are almost 10 women to every 9 men that men need to be the ones that have to do the work? the men who are aggressive in human society usually end up being aggressive in other ways or to other women because that is what they believe and how the world tells them they should be. the nice laid back men that stand in the shadows are the real 'stock' that women should be looking for. they are intelligent and thoughtful. but there is something wrong with these men... the drive of nature is completely wrong in our current world... the guys with the big arms and bulky chests aren't the ones that succeed in this world anymore. It takes more than brawn to be a great man in todays environment. it takes endless effort... some of us have is some of us don't...
i am a lazy man... i have learned to do what is needed not what should be done in the terms of life. i have spent too many years just simply surviving. i don't understand the idea of going beyond the just covering the needs of another person. because i suffer the same ailments as the women of todays world... i have that prehistoric idea that because i provided the basic needs to the woman, that is all i should do.
in the end we are in a very basic struggle between natural instinct, learned behavior patterns, and the drive to become more than nature intended. i personally have had a hard time breaking some molds that the male part of our race falls in to. in other ways i am completely different.
all in all we each have to choose or try and choose who we are going to be. sometimes nature is to strong to overcome. sometimes the intellectual drive to change isn't enough. maybe some of us are who we are for a reason... should i have walked to the end of the bar? maybe, maybe not. it is very possible that taking the walk was worse then showing others you are comfortable being in a bar alone.
Andrew
so i was thinking while i was sitting at the bar watching all the people mingle around me that i was the only one there completely alone. is it really sad that i went to a bar by myself? I like the bar atmosphere... the crappy food and almost unreal variety of choice of things to drink. have i become the old crazy guy at the bar at noon on a weekday already? i do not believe i am drinking because of anything other than just plan wanting to. but with the human mind it could be nearly anything driving that 'want' and i don't believe i would even know the reason even if it was not a personal and deliberate choice. so it doesn't really matter why i was there... just that i was there and pondered something why i was drinking and eating...
pondering the idea of why the girl at the end of the bar, that was clearly watching me for about an hour, didn't just come over and say hi? i think that women of this society have just as much difficulty approaching men as men have approaching women. many men in today's world are very emotional. I am not one of those men but i do have issues talking to people i don't know or about subjects i don't feel comfortable with. i believe that the world is a true two way street. comfort levels between any two people that have a conversations needs to be the responsibility of both parties and both people are responsible for keeping a relationship even it if is a one off 10-20 min talk in a bar alive. if one person doesn't make a move toward someone and the other person doesn't either... then it isn't just one of the persons fault, it is a collaborative effort between both people.
i know this world still looks to the men to do all the aggressive moves and approach the person they think might be a match for them. but why!? women i have met are more aggressive and much more socially adapted then i am so why can't they stand up for themselves and go get the person they want or see that they might want? i don't want to sound like i am being derogatory toward women or anything of the sort... i just wish to understand in a world where there are almost 10 women to every 9 men that men need to be the ones that have to do the work? the men who are aggressive in human society usually end up being aggressive in other ways or to other women because that is what they believe and how the world tells them they should be. the nice laid back men that stand in the shadows are the real 'stock' that women should be looking for. they are intelligent and thoughtful. but there is something wrong with these men... the drive of nature is completely wrong in our current world... the guys with the big arms and bulky chests aren't the ones that succeed in this world anymore. It takes more than brawn to be a great man in todays environment. it takes endless effort... some of us have is some of us don't...
i am a lazy man... i have learned to do what is needed not what should be done in the terms of life. i have spent too many years just simply surviving. i don't understand the idea of going beyond the just covering the needs of another person. because i suffer the same ailments as the women of todays world... i have that prehistoric idea that because i provided the basic needs to the woman, that is all i should do.
in the end we are in a very basic struggle between natural instinct, learned behavior patterns, and the drive to become more than nature intended. i personally have had a hard time breaking some molds that the male part of our race falls in to. in other ways i am completely different.
all in all we each have to choose or try and choose who we are going to be. sometimes nature is to strong to overcome. sometimes the intellectual drive to change isn't enough. maybe some of us are who we are for a reason... should i have walked to the end of the bar? maybe, maybe not. it is very possible that taking the walk was worse then showing others you are comfortable being in a bar alone.
Andrew
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Internal Reflections
Do you ever have the feeling that you are not yourself? Like the entire world is sitting in front of you but you can't reach it because you can't control what you do. A feeling something like that has become very much a big part of my life recently. I don't really understand why so I have decided to start blogging about it. Something about putting thoughts in to words and reading them to myself helps me work out what is really going on in my head. That is why i started this and that is why i will continue it for many years to come.
So what do I really mean by not feeling like myself... well I know for a fact that i feel old sometimes. Not older but truly old... Like my life has already been laid out and I what lay ahead is the same as it is now. I think I know the feeling this comes from but i don't understand why i feel it. It makes you feel like nothing you do in the world leaves a mark... like in a few years no one will remember you were even here. This is what people are supposed to feel before they die... you know the ideas that run though your head when you know you are not going to be alive anymore... when your time is up! I don't understand this feeling i am having because I am here to stay for many more years to come. I know life can be hard.. I have lived though some rough times and i have the scars to prove it. None visible of course but some people get close enough to see them. Some others think they have seen them but all they see is me protecting them from further harm.
Here is another idea i can't seem to figure out... I have spent my fair share of time thinking and talking about how i feel.(Not too much, I am a male) So why is it that i don't believe anything I say or think. Why does it feel like i am doing a lip service to the world by talking about feelings. Feelings I don't understand and things that I honestly believe I can't feel... I think of feelings in an intellectual way and that isn't what they are supposed to be... Not by description at least. Is that what feelings are? simple thoughts that make your mind believe they are more and cause major reactions in behavior and body chemistry. It is sad to think of emotions this way but that is how I see them... I don't have that intense drive of emotion that i expect from what I have learned in my life. Is it me... or is it the rest of the world fooling themselves in to thinking that these things exist because they are supposed to. I don't know the answer... I am a simple person that is fighting to survive in a world of endless information and lighting fast access to it. When you think of that it is amazing that we even have the ability to think on our own. Info is fed to us like animals with structured feeding times. We are fed what others believe we need to know and thus shaping how we think and how we live the rest of our lives.
I guess all this babble raises only one question... How do i break out... become or find who I really am in this finite world we live in?
Andrew
So what do I really mean by not feeling like myself... well I know for a fact that i feel old sometimes. Not older but truly old... Like my life has already been laid out and I what lay ahead is the same as it is now. I think I know the feeling this comes from but i don't understand why i feel it. It makes you feel like nothing you do in the world leaves a mark... like in a few years no one will remember you were even here. This is what people are supposed to feel before they die... you know the ideas that run though your head when you know you are not going to be alive anymore... when your time is up! I don't understand this feeling i am having because I am here to stay for many more years to come. I know life can be hard.. I have lived though some rough times and i have the scars to prove it. None visible of course but some people get close enough to see them. Some others think they have seen them but all they see is me protecting them from further harm.
Here is another idea i can't seem to figure out... I have spent my fair share of time thinking and talking about how i feel.(Not too much, I am a male) So why is it that i don't believe anything I say or think. Why does it feel like i am doing a lip service to the world by talking about feelings. Feelings I don't understand and things that I honestly believe I can't feel... I think of feelings in an intellectual way and that isn't what they are supposed to be... Not by description at least. Is that what feelings are? simple thoughts that make your mind believe they are more and cause major reactions in behavior and body chemistry. It is sad to think of emotions this way but that is how I see them... I don't have that intense drive of emotion that i expect from what I have learned in my life. Is it me... or is it the rest of the world fooling themselves in to thinking that these things exist because they are supposed to. I don't know the answer... I am a simple person that is fighting to survive in a world of endless information and lighting fast access to it. When you think of that it is amazing that we even have the ability to think on our own. Info is fed to us like animals with structured feeding times. We are fed what others believe we need to know and thus shaping how we think and how we live the rest of our lives.
I guess all this babble raises only one question... How do i break out... become or find who I really am in this finite world we live in?
Andrew
Monday, June 14, 2010
Reflections and the Future
This is a little out of the realm of what I have blogged about in the recent past, what little I have blogged. But there has been something that has been nagging me for some weeks. One of those little feelings in the back of your head that has just been begging to get out. I have made no secret that sharing what I feel and think isn't easy. So I am going to take a step back to the days when blogging was new to me and FB and MySpace were my mediums of choice. As you can see I have evolved a little and I think it is time to reflect on the past.
It all started in the late winter early spring of 2008. Back in those days I was, at least from what I wanted to believe, happily married. Turns out that wasn't the case and it wasn't long before we were split and I was a complete wreak. It got bad enough that I have no memory of almost two months of my life. It was a complete emotional and mental breakdown. I consider myself lucky. I had a family that was there for me, not really here but on the phone, anytime I needed them. I can't even count the number of 3 am phone calls to my brother that he always answered. Hours of pacing back and fourth in my condo letting my mind race or just sitting on the floor crying. I eventually found professional help. With drugs, counseling, and a strong family backing me I was able to get on the correct path to becoming human again. I still cry today when I think back. Those were the bad times. It is easy to make myself believe or pretend everything is fine now. But I know I am not the same. I am hurt, damaged, and general scared of the future. Every time I make a corner in my road of life I find myself looking over my shoulder. I don't want my life to fall back in anything similar to the way things were but at the same time I want my life to move forward. But I'm I ready for such a step? There is the root of my fear. The fear that moving forward in my life means following some of the same paths I took before...
In the last few months my life has taken a huge step forward. First, there is my girlfriend. She has added something to life that is hard for me do describe. I want to say she makes me happy, but I don't want to make the suggestion that I wasn't happy before I met her. I think it is better to say she completes my happiness. Of course, not everything can be all happiness and joy. There are conflicts, stresses, and all the mis-communications that come with any relationship. But, we work well together and we have fun. Second, I am starting to see real progress on the financial side. It took over a year of endless juggling and shuffling to get all the pieces to fall in to place. There is still a long road head. If I can get the last pieces in place there are only two short years left before everything is taken care of. As long as I can maintain the status quo. Third, jumps back to the first one a bit and it is more about moving forward. I am starting to rebuild. It started with my girlfriend moving in with me and making plans for a larger apartment. I have to watch not to fall down the same slope I did before. I was so focused on building my life to where I wanted it, I lost sight of what I needed to do to make my life complete. Being a male, my mind thinks of money and physical things first. Feelings take a back seat in most mens minds. It is a curse of evolution and it takes a lot of effort to break though and bring them to the front.
Enough, I have worked though what I wanted too and I am stopping now.
It all started in the late winter early spring of 2008. Back in those days I was, at least from what I wanted to believe, happily married. Turns out that wasn't the case and it wasn't long before we were split and I was a complete wreak. It got bad enough that I have no memory of almost two months of my life. It was a complete emotional and mental breakdown. I consider myself lucky. I had a family that was there for me, not really here but on the phone, anytime I needed them. I can't even count the number of 3 am phone calls to my brother that he always answered. Hours of pacing back and fourth in my condo letting my mind race or just sitting on the floor crying. I eventually found professional help. With drugs, counseling, and a strong family backing me I was able to get on the correct path to becoming human again. I still cry today when I think back. Those were the bad times. It is easy to make myself believe or pretend everything is fine now. But I know I am not the same. I am hurt, damaged, and general scared of the future. Every time I make a corner in my road of life I find myself looking over my shoulder. I don't want my life to fall back in anything similar to the way things were but at the same time I want my life to move forward. But I'm I ready for such a step? There is the root of my fear. The fear that moving forward in my life means following some of the same paths I took before...
In the last few months my life has taken a huge step forward. First, there is my girlfriend. She has added something to life that is hard for me do describe. I want to say she makes me happy, but I don't want to make the suggestion that I wasn't happy before I met her. I think it is better to say she completes my happiness. Of course, not everything can be all happiness and joy. There are conflicts, stresses, and all the mis-communications that come with any relationship. But, we work well together and we have fun. Second, I am starting to see real progress on the financial side. It took over a year of endless juggling and shuffling to get all the pieces to fall in to place. There is still a long road head. If I can get the last pieces in place there are only two short years left before everything is taken care of. As long as I can maintain the status quo. Third, jumps back to the first one a bit and it is more about moving forward. I am starting to rebuild. It started with my girlfriend moving in with me and making plans for a larger apartment. I have to watch not to fall down the same slope I did before. I was so focused on building my life to where I wanted it, I lost sight of what I needed to do to make my life complete. Being a male, my mind thinks of money and physical things first. Feelings take a back seat in most mens minds. It is a curse of evolution and it takes a lot of effort to break though and bring them to the front.
Enough, I have worked though what I wanted too and I am stopping now.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Escape from the fun days
Does everyone remember the fun days of being young? I do... but, now that I am more knowledgeable, I look back at those simple days and wonder why I thought they were fun to begin with. The more I think back the more I realize that the only reason they were fun is because I didn't know anything more existed. It is one of those times when if you knew more you would have done things differently and had real fun!! Maybe this is just a side effect of growing up being very closed off of the social world that existed in the towns and bigger cities.
In some ways I lived in a world cut off and was able to experience things other people only saw in movies or read in books. Living in a place where you could be outside yelling at the top of your lungs and no one was close enough to hear you is an experience I know few other people have had. If you can imagine living in a place where you could literally be the center of the world because you were the only one there. Now that I am typing my ideas... it really does sound fun time. I hear others talk about growing up in the city. The things they did and how they lived. I can't even imagine growing up that way and I am sure many people can't imagine how my life was out among the farmland.
It is amazing how the experiences differ between everyone. The stories of even those I went to school with were very different than mine. Many of the people I grew up with still live near where we all grew up. I am one of the few that moved away. It is hard not to think about it like I escaped something. Like I was the lucky one that got away. I know that isn't the truth of the situation, but it is what we think about when we hear that type of story. Escaping the small town to make it big somewhere else. Except in the movies many of these stories end in tragedy, heartache, and a genuine feeling of missing the simple life.
Personally, I don't count out the possibility of going back and living there again. Moving back to the simple fun life and wide open spaces. Just like the cliche, the problem with doing so is that I am part of both worlds now. I don't really fit in to the social norm of the city lifestyle but my life is too fast paced to live in the nearly stagnate rural world I came from.
It really comes down to the fact that I haven't found where I belong yet. I try new things and I am always working toward making myself a better person. I learn a little at a time. One day the right situation will present itself and my 'escape' will have come to an end and I will be exactly where I should be. The pursuit of life is not an easy one...
Andrew
In some ways I lived in a world cut off and was able to experience things other people only saw in movies or read in books. Living in a place where you could be outside yelling at the top of your lungs and no one was close enough to hear you is an experience I know few other people have had. If you can imagine living in a place where you could literally be the center of the world because you were the only one there. Now that I am typing my ideas... it really does sound fun time. I hear others talk about growing up in the city. The things they did and how they lived. I can't even imagine growing up that way and I am sure many people can't imagine how my life was out among the farmland.
It is amazing how the experiences differ between everyone. The stories of even those I went to school with were very different than mine. Many of the people I grew up with still live near where we all grew up. I am one of the few that moved away. It is hard not to think about it like I escaped something. Like I was the lucky one that got away. I know that isn't the truth of the situation, but it is what we think about when we hear that type of story. Escaping the small town to make it big somewhere else. Except in the movies many of these stories end in tragedy, heartache, and a genuine feeling of missing the simple life.
Personally, I don't count out the possibility of going back and living there again. Moving back to the simple fun life and wide open spaces. Just like the cliche, the problem with doing so is that I am part of both worlds now. I don't really fit in to the social norm of the city lifestyle but my life is too fast paced to live in the nearly stagnate rural world I came from.
It really comes down to the fact that I haven't found where I belong yet. I try new things and I am always working toward making myself a better person. I learn a little at a time. One day the right situation will present itself and my 'escape' will have come to an end and I will be exactly where I should be. The pursuit of life is not an easy one...
Andrew
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)