unique perspectives

A brief history:

I started this blog a very long time ago. Back when I started to realize how little of the world I actually understood. Was the time of my life where I was learning a lot about myself and about the world and life in general. Been through some rough happenings that exposed my ignorance more than I was able to deal with. In my younger years I did not have the mental fortitude to admit to myself that I was ignorant. I screwed up a lot of things because of that one singular aspect of my personality. It's still part of me but I know it's there and I've learned to stop listening to it. I think I'm just a little bit more self-aware than I have ever been in my life. I wonder if that's what it really means to be wise. 

I started blogging because of a simple idea that was presented to me about keeping a journal. I never really did keep a journal. But I liked the idea of placing my ideas on a medium that was open to the world. I didn't care if a single person ever read anything that I wrote. The act of writing was the point. For some reason today I decided it was time to possibly pick this up again. I've toyed with the idea a few times over the last few years since I stopped. I think writing this blog made me a better person, and stopping has somehow made me less of what I could have been. We all have a self-image concept of what we think we are and it's tinted a little by what we want to be. I think the act of writing this blog over the years molded me to better match what I wanted to be. 

I lost sight of what I learned when I was writing. And ended up making some of them the same mistakes that I remember making before. 'Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.' The quote is taken a little out of context, but I think it applies to personal history and personal growth the same as it does societal histories. I deal with stress differently than I did back before I started as well. The same things that would affect my mental state don't affect me as much anymore. I don't know if it's again being more self-aware or the fact that maybe those things aren't as important as I originally made them out to be. So I think doing this writing will help me with quantifying my personal beliefs and be more self-aware. 

A story of perspectives:

My wife loves watching true crime shows. We've watched so many of them over the years, but I still cannot fathom what goes through people's minds that cause them to do the things they do. There was a recent one where someone was supposedly brainwashed into being accomplice in the murder of their own mother. It got me thinking about how a reasoning human could ever be coerced into believing that an action such as that was okay. I can grasp an idea that that in the heat of a moment someone might be able to get caught up in an event that led to the ultimate harm to another individual. However, after that moment passes reason should return and proper actions would be taken to report the truth. This is just the simple action of a reasonable rational individual person. The person must not have ever been a reasonable, rational person from what I see. But how can a person not be reasonable and rational. Maybe it's as simple as I didn't grow up like they did or maybe I have personal belief that I haven't quantified that prevents me from understanding something happening like that. Maybe it is just difference of perspective that I can't see. 

I once got accused of something quite horrifying because of contextual misunderstanding of perspectives. It was one of the most eye-opening experiences of my life. That incident taught me that everyone has a completely different perspective of what is happening around them. Even though I now understand what cues caused the person to make the assumptions they did, I don't believe my own life experiences would ever allow me to make the same conclusions they did. I don't think I could ever intellectually and automatically make the same assumptions after seeing the same thing and react the same way. I do not believe any two humans will ever be able to truly understand the perspective of each other. No matter how much we communicate, no matter how much we put effort in to seeing what others see. Most of the conflicts in my life are because I forget none of us see the world's colors the exact same way. We all wear our own unique shade of rose colored glasses.

Ramblings of 2020...

 Wow... 3 years since I have taken the time to write something. I write a lot of emails, notes, directions and all other things in my job. Taking time to write something just to write it seems like a waste of time. However, i really miss just getting things out of my brain and the last months and really year have been frustrating.

About a week ago I was fixing some stuff for my domain ownership and DNS hosting and had to test access... and it didn't work. That lead me down the path of reading a few of my old writings and it felt like someone else wrote them. As I read through the titles and completely through a few of the posts that caught my eye, I discovered it still applies to even my current state of mind. I guess we are who we are, we don't really change much. I believe in a lot of ways we are wired to look at the world in a specific way and even if things change and we grow overall we still think and act and do everything the same, just in a different time and place. 

Talk about a different place... I am not sure the "end is nigh" groups are all that wrong these days. What a difference a year makes. Hate is the primary driver of almost everything you see and hear anymore. I can't fathom how people can't see that in what they are doing. I guess they are too close to the events to see them for what they are, a immature group tantrum of what I believe is generally good people if alone. It is like slinging hate around is going to solve all the issues. And the PC of the world has gone nuts. I honestly fear the day is close at hand where if someone orders coffee 'black' they will get shot for being a raciest. Social media is going to be the death of us all. Black Mirror isn't all that far fetched when you look at todays events. After some careful thought, I ended up deleted almost all my social media accounts. Partly to get away from all everything I could. Partly to protect the people I love, myself, and my place of work. And Partly to remove one pawn from the board. Maybe it will make a tiny difference.

On to more pleasant things... sort of...  I 'read' alot. OK... I don't read, I listen to audiobooks... but it is just as good as reading and I do it ALOT. Like last month I spent more than 180 hours listening to booka. I am usually around 60ish hours a month but this last month several big things happened.
First, Audible added the Plus subscription, which gave me access to a huge book list without having to pay credits for each one. This means that a lot of short books I wouldn't have spent a full credit on, I can read for no extra money. It also means that books I might not have thought were appealing enough to spend credits on are now free to listen too.
Second, Bobiverse book 4 was released. So I took the weekend before it hit to completely re-listen to the first 3 books. It was a great idea to do so, a long time since the last book came out and it was fading from memory a bit. Awesome series if you have the time for a listen. 
And lastly, The Dresden Files, one of my all time favorite book series, released book 17. (Battle Ground) just a few a short few months after book 16 (Peace Talks) in July. Over 5 years waiting for a new book and we got 2 in just a few months. It really is two parts of the same story this time unlike the other books within the series. Also within the pages of 'Battle Ground' an event of great sadness happened... a sadness I don't think will ever go away. A person in the book dies randomly. Accidentally shot by a coward and an idiot. This wasn't the first death, but it was the most unexpected of deaths in the series. There is plenty of warnings and foreshowing of this coming if you really think back through the stories. I will never really get over this one. It will haunt my thoughts every time I read anything Dresden related from now and forever.

Actually I think the events within The Dresden Files is really what sparked me to start writing this blog again. There isn't many people in my life daily that would really understand how much the stories I read effect me. I don't forsake the real world for the story or live within the fiction, but they become part of who I am all the same. Those around me may never really see the reasons for my changes in moods unless they happened to be reading the same things at the same time. But this event in a fictional book has made me real world sad and given the me the inspiration to start typing in this little window again for the first time in many years. With the way things are in the world around us all, even a little sadness isn't something we can afford to hold on to. Maybe putting words on to an unread blog might just help a little. 

In Memoriam

This morning it finally hit me that TJ is gone. All the things he meant to me and all the things he did for me over the years never really condensed in to consensus thought until he wasn't here. TJ came in to my life at a young age, for both me and him. For me I was an adult but was naive, almost useless, irresponsible, and didn't really understand what was really important about living. Shortly after he adopted me, yeah I might have picked him up from my friends house when I agreed to take him but it was he who choose me in reality, life and the world got very real for me. Some of the worst things in my memory are from that time. But TJ was there through all of it. Sometimes the only cause of a good laugh or a smile among my inter turmoil and bleak world around me.

We didn't always see eye to eye, he always wanted to sleep where he wasn't allowed. He clawed on the couch and made messes from time to time. There were literal times I know he was arguing with me. His vocals were like no other cat I have ever know and you could tell he was not happy.

Several people over the years that don't like cats all that much, me included, loved TJ because he was different. He wasn't that typical cat that was annoying. He had a presence in my home over the years that can't be described easily. He was unique and special in ways I can't put in to words. I tried to make his life a good one, I hope he agrees.

I and those that loved him will miss him very much. No one or pet could ever replace what he meant to us.

Goodbye my friend.

My name is... WHAT?!

Hi... My name is Andrew.

I don't know why... but for almost two years that little starting out intro has been stuck in my brain. Every time I think of going anything or saying anything to anyone or any group that matters that is the first idea I have. I usually go with it because it works. That is who I am... Andrew. What does Andrew mean... well that is another journey all together!!

My life hasn't always been what I wanted. Or I should say I don't always know what I want my life to be. What I want and what is sometimes still up for grabs... I am 30+ now and still really don't have much drive. I am not dedicated to anything strongly. I love and am loved and that is about all I generally need to keep myself in good shape. There are times when I get down and don't feel like things are going well. But most of the time that is when things are going so well that I feel out of place, literally out of ideas and out of things to fix in my personal life.

I am in one of those times. Good job, great girlfriend, money is in good shape, day to day is OK, and I am learning more every day than ever before. However... I still feel wrong. It is like the struggle of daily life makes me better than I am. Like just scraping and getting by makes me a better at being the person I really want to be. It seems to me that the complete picture of myself, Andrew, isn't really here right now. I am being lazy and my real self hates me because I am too comfortable. I remember the last time this happened... I made a bad choice and it has messed everything up ever since. The question now is what I am I going to do right now. What do I need to put forth the life chalenge to get me back in line.

Well the first step... a blog post... Check one off that list.

What should be next???


--Andrew

A new perspective

I am sitting here tonight a little 'tipsy'... But well in my right mind to have a discussion about the changes of perspective.
I have been down roads and paths in my life that were plan stupid when looked at from hindsight. But right now I don't believe I need to worry about that. Thing are just starting to become great again after two + years battling back from the setback in early 2011. Life is in good shape... Money is flowing in to the savings. Work is smooth and demanding and there is lots of it. Family and friends are having their ups and downs but rolling with the punches and seeming to pop out on top. Who could ask for more??
So it is time for a perspective change. I am not as young as I used to be. It is time to start thinking about what I am going to be doing for the rest of my life after work. I'm not sure what that's going to be at this particular point in time. I'm not old but I am also not young anymore. Starting to think about what I want to accomplish over the next 50 ish or so years is going to determine how I move forward in my life.
It is no secret, there is someone in my life right now. The kind of person that makes me want to think about what the future holds. Yes, I do know what that last sentence really really means and what it has the potential of meaning. It is been an idea in my brain for a while something that has meaning but has no words on stone yet. Is the time of trials right now... Meaning that the world can go in a direction and there is no controlling what he does. We must deal with the how things play out.

I'm into football this season, very much so. I really do like football. I join the fantasy football league with my company. Did a few  for friend leagues last year but not with people I know. Battling those that you work with is an entirely new level of excitement and competition. There is just something about challenging the intellect and abilities of someone you know in a environment that is controlled yet endlessly unpredictable. It sometimes it shows you a new perspective of those you are competing against. I've already found out that people are not all that much different overall. We all deal with the actions and consequences of all of those around us. Almost like a weave pattern where one thread affects the one next to it which affects the one next to it. Robert Jordan did a damn good job describing that IDF about a singular individual and how it can affect everything in the world.
As I have learned about the world in the things within it, I have determined that one must always adapt and change his perspective on the world. For as you learn about things and people, the world becomes larger. Once perspective from sitting in a valley is that the world is small but the perspective when we've reached the mountain speak is very very different. For the mountain we may be at the top of isn't the tallest in the region but the shortest. It's a constant reminder that for every inch you learn or gain there are millions of inches or feet or yards or miles of information ideas and unseen world still waiting for us. Technology is one of those professions that is more perspective and knowledge driven then many others. As we learn we expand our ability to see other things going on within the technology realm.
Take cellular phones for example. Smart phones have been around for many years however in the past most phones were purchased on the idea that this is what it did and that was it. Now if you buy a smartphone you couldn't infinitely expand what that phone is capable of. You can even change operating systems. Mobile technology has become an expanded world for us IT individuals. So we must expand I'll perspective on technologies like email and instant messaging and how that works into our network environments. But he even on top of all of that natural expansion of Technology. We have our interpersonal growth. We learn 90 percent of a new system and we learn that there is huge volumes more information stuck in the last 10 percent then there was in the entirety of the 90 percent, at least from our perspective it was 90 percent, that we learned. That is the way of Technology  and I assume is part of many many other careers and pads we as individuals humans take.

I think that's enough b******* for today. The perspectives in the ramblings on about other random stupid things. Always remember that no matter what you know now and how much you learn. There will come a time where you learn enough information to know that there is a lot more information out there to get.

Andrew

Sleeplessness like me

So I have been in bed for over an hour without the slightest hint of sleepiness coming over me. I really need to stop with the educational pursuits right before bed... gets the mind turning to many ways for it to settle down for sleep. Two nights in a row isn't too bad.. any more and I will have trouble working. But I will cross that bridge when it happens.

Well there are changes and things in life have also helped add some pressures that might be adding to the sleep issues. I moved almost 2 months ago now... can't believe it was that short time ago. Time isn't going by as fast as it should with the amount of busyness I have been up too. These last 7 weeks feels like it has been 6 months or more. It feels like it has been over a year since the last time I was working as a level 1 on site tech but that changed only back in March to the new site. Then changed again to a multisite floating role a few weeks later. Then to a second level Systems Analyst a few weeks after that and that was only 3 weeks ago yesterday, Monday. Yeah... there has been some things going on 'round here.

I want to write on here more... but every time I have an idea or drive to do so I am never in a place to take advantage of it. I never have been able to take the time I used to and work on just getting my thoughts in to works like I used to. I think I am loosing my ability to do it. :( that makes me sad. It took a lot of time to build that skill and my ability to type it with some efficacy. Me + Keyboard + Spelling = ummm... most likely in bottom 1/10 of 1% in the world. But that is still better than where I was! Not to mention I hated writing anything or even the idea of writing anything. Now emails, notes, descriptions, instructions, and everything else I have to do in my work and life are a piece of cake! For all you students out there. Doing will make you better at what you do... no matter how mundane and random that is.

Well I have also taken up the banner of a few games. MMO style games that I almost swore... well maybe did swear that I wouldn't ever get in to. Now I am playing both Star Trek Online and Neverwinter with some surprising regularity. Right now I am on a Neverwinter spree and spend a few hours every week unwinding and forgetting about the world for a while. Not that anything bad is happening but it is nice to disconnect completely for a while from time to time.

eyes are starting to get a little heavy... yay... sleepy time...

Andrew

19 weeks in to 30

As many of you may know already know, I am in my 30th year of life. This is the19th week of that 30th year. Some interesting things happened in the 18th week... a lot of job shifting and other things. The scheduling of which will be crazy over the next 3 weeks and will keep me in my "intellectual only" running shoes. This guy does not really own and hopefully will never be conned into owning running shoes. As I was typing this I actually got that schedule in my email. The irony of timing.

There has also been some other good things in life. A realization of comfort in how I feel and how others feel about me. Knowing this makes some other things about how we exist better. Being able to discuss things that most people shy away from just because they are uncomfortable with the subject or afraid of discussing that subject with the specific person you are with. Now, I rarely have issues discussing anything about anyone in front of anyone, but not everyone knows that about me. And if they don't know that about me they might think I might react irrationally and be upset. That is something I enjoy about myself these days. It is hard to upset me or offend me. 

There are some more things happening that can't really be discussed in a public forum... at least not yet. Just put it this way, there are people I have to be have interaction with I haven't been required to have interaction with before. This might lead to loss of respect for that person or group of people depending on what 'mentality' or 'way they think' turns out to be. (not my words) Just so you know... I believe the worst thing that I can bestow on any one person in this world... is the loss of my respect for them as a human being or what they stand for. I don't stand with people that don't have respect for others and if the mentality is what I expect it to be... well lets just say my blog might start having copies of their words more often and names to go with them. Just saying I don't conform just because you say I have to! 

Back to the 30 years thing. I never thought I would be where I am at today. But the world job market isn't what it was 10 years ago or even 5 years ago. I was in a much better place in life and career just 3 years ago  but things change and we are forced to adapt. Luckily adapting is something I am really good at. This year is the year of bettering myself job wise. I have a goal in mind that will take me about 16-20 months to make a reality. I think it will be really easy to do despite the uphill battle I face in doing it. My goal is not obtainable even right this moment besides in a few peoples eyes that are blinded by their own truly personal issues with me. Part of this plan is to force by pure effort and quality work passed their objections. You know the slave that became more powerful then the king by literally winning the hearts of the people. I am going to make myself invaluable to everyone I talk with. Making me more important than anyone else before or after making sure no one forgets the contributions I have made and to make sure I get what I deserve for the effort. 

By the time I am 31 I will be more than I am today... more in many ways. I can't predict the future and I can't state the exact outcome. But, that is the reality we all have to overcome. 

Andrew